Posts tagged ‘Eric Pickles’

May 11, 2015

The TMB guide to Cameron’s new cabinet

by philapilus


Eric Pickles will be the new moon

As David Cameron continues to form his new cabinet, we bring you the lowdown on the ministers already appointed:
Prime Minister: Boris Johnson

In a surprise move, David Cameron has decided to make Johnson the head of his new government, though the role will only apply during the night-time when no one is looking. Boris will also take over David’s marital obligations to Samantha

Home Secretary: Michael Gove/Theresa May

The new government’s first cabinet meeting will feature a bloody death-match between these two ministers, who have each demanded the opportunity to stick and disembowel the other like a squealing pig. The victor will

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February 10, 2015

Conservative auction offers fox-hunting, polo and peasant-throttling

by philapilus

He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole

A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.

“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to

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January 19, 2015

Religious leaders ask Cameron to explain relevance of MPs to Britain

by philapilus

Eric arriving at a press conference on his giant black moth

Senior religious figures have written an open letter to the Prime Minister, asking “how the complete fuckwits composing the political class can possibly be seen as contributing to British identity.”

The letter follows one written to Muslim leaders by Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, (once favourably described as ‘like the bloated turd that inevitably blocks the only toilet at a house party’). In his letter, Pickles asked Muslims to explain why rabid xenophobic Britons shouldn’t be allowed to just beat the shit out of them.

Imam Abdul Iqbal said “I thought long and hard about the ways that

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November 6, 2013

A guide to crack, by Rob Ford

by philapilus
Rob Ford with puppet, at the "Better Ball...

‘Um…Is it just the drugs, or is there a little man on my hand?’

Hi everyone, Mayor Rob Ford here, with Part 1 of my new series of articles on drugs and how great they are and why you shouldn’t take them.

Now, before I start, I want it to be clearly understood that I am not a drug addict, don’t use drugs, don’t buy drugs, and do not have a regular dealer.

I have used drugs, pay for

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October 7, 2013

Cabinet reshuffle expected this week

by philapilus
English: More clowns at Clown School

The new line-up pose for a photo at No.10

Rumours of an anticipated cabinet reshuffle have heightened, after Chloe Smith and John Randall stepped down from their government posts on Sunday.

The two signed a joint letter of resignation, saying “Dave, you are a twat. We know you were going to axe us, so we’re off. Go fuck yourself with a splintery broom-handle.”

Although the Prime Minister has been relatively secretive about when the reshuffle will happen, a Westminster source says that the likely recipients of certain posts are “obvious really. It’s a no-brainer.” The expected changes include the following:

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September 30, 2013

UK children can’t hold their drink

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

Why don’t our children want to be more like this?

There was public outcry this morning at the revelation that hundreds of children across the UK – many aged 11 or under – were admitted to A&E units last year, after drinking too much.

A BBC Radio 5 live investigation revealed that 6,500 under-18 year olds were admitted to hospital in total, of whom nearly 300 were 11 and under.

Minister for Communities, Eric Pickles, said “This is an absolute disgrace. When I were a lad of six I drank eight pints a day without throwing up once, because I made sure that I simultaneously ate around 70 scotch eggs, pork pies and

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September 11, 2013

Shapps: “Independent reports are more independent if I write them for you”

by philapilus
Resident with Grant Shapps

“Hi, my name’s Grant…or possibly Michael. Or maybe Sebastian… hang on, what day is it?”

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps has today lashed out at a UN official’s criticism of conservative party policy, on the basis that the comments weren’t made or approved by the conservative party.

Raquel Rolnik, who is producing a report for the UN human rights council on adequate housing around the world, recommended that the government’s changes of housing benefit be suspended, especially the so-called ‘bedroom tax’.

“This is disgusting,” said Shapps, “Ms Rolnik made totally unfair comments about social housing benefits, based on chatting to benefit claimants living in social housing! She didn’t

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July 2, 2013

Gove makes bid for ‘Hateful Shit’ status

by philapilus
English: Michael Gove speaking at the Conserva...

Big Sucker of Nuts wants your vote

The competition amongst top Tories to be remembered as the most Hateful Shit of the coalition government was shaken up today, when Michael Gove announced his intention to get rid of six-week school summer holidays.

A spokesman said “This is a stroke of genius on Michael’s part. What he’s doing is effectively going to piss off a lot of people right now, but more importantly, he is also making himself a key focus of hatred for the next generation, and for generations yet to come.

“If the Education Secretary is successful in cutting school holidays, every kid in the country will grow up passionately loathing him – maybe almost as much as kids from the ’80s hated Thatcher.”

Gove had been high in the 

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June 7, 2013

“Clean your fucking plates” says Pope

by unpseudable

Mmmm, tasty.

Pope Francis this week slammed the culture of waste in the West, likening the disposal of food to stealing from the poor.

“Throwing away food,” he said, “is like stealing from the table of those who are poor and hungry. You bastards, you utter, utter bastards. You all think it’s perfectly normal to chuck away a chicken, to dump a dumpling. But you’re wrong. You make me sick. But I’m going to hold it in – lest I waste my lovely ham sandwich lunch. Which would – obviously – be wrong.”

Religious commentator, Reg Illous, commented:

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June 3, 2013

Downing Street love affair triggers vomiting epidemic

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

You’d need intestines of steel not to

A&E departments across the country are said to be completely overwhelmed this morning, after news of an affair between top government figures caused an outbreak of unstoppable vomiting.

The story broke yesterday in the Mail on Sunday. The paper, in the finest traditions of tirelessly impeccable Mail journalism, spread the unsubstantiated rumour and neglected to mention only such small details as the names of the people involved.

But this lack of a definitive ‘whodunnit’, meant that Britain was forced to spend the next 24-hours considering every potential horrible coupling from the large pool of incredibly unattractive senior

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