Posts tagged ‘England’

December 31, 2013

2013 in headlines

by philapilus
English: Morgan Freeman at the Cannes film fes...

‘The greatest statesman of our era’

Once again TMB brings you a round-up of the major news stories from the last twelve months, which is our way of helping you impress everyone at the New Year’s Eve party with your amazing memory (and not at all an easy way of churning out an article without actually doing any

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December 2, 2013

People still not riding to work on unicorns, says report

by philapilus
English: Tank!

How many KFC staff do you see rocking up in one of these?

The RAC Foundation has produced a report showing that most people are continuing to use traditional modes of transport, such as cars or buses, rather than riding on griffins, unicorns, or pegasi.

A spokesperson said “To our complete surprise, commuting in England and Wales is still generally done by car, train, bus… you know, things like that.

“Fewer than 1% of all commuters ride mythical creatures, less than 250 people within the M25 area arrive at the office on a combine harvester, and almost no one within urban conurbations sails to work in 19th century paddle steamers.

“This goes to show that when it comes to commuting, this

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November 21, 2013

London Underground workers to be redesignated as gladiators

by philapilus
A deserted Temple Station platform - rush hour...

On the Tube no one can hear you scream

TfL has unveiled exciting new cuts to London Underground, which will involve closing every single ticket office, bringing staff out from the relative safety of their glass-fronted booths, and then pitting them against the aggressive, murderous hordes of London commuters.

At a press conference this morning, Mayor of London Boris Johnson said “Actually I… I… I think that this is going to be hugely popular, and um, you know very… very um, entertaining.

“It’s going to, you know, save us several million quid, and make for some great Youtube footage of our chaps and chapesses being, well, set upon I suppose.”

The revamp will also see lines run 24 hours a day at

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October 29, 2013

Southern England blown into Atlantic by storm

by philapilus
The North-South divide in the United Kingdom

Experts say that it will take months for the St Jude-battered country to return to it’s normal colour

The entire South of England, as well as parts of Wales and the West country, were last night being towed back to the mainland, after monster storm St Jude ripped them loose and hurled them hundreds of miles out to sea.

Although the search has been called off for still-missing parts of Hampshire and Kent, rescue-ships were jubilant this morning to discover the Isle of Wight, which had been swirling round and round in a whirlpool about 80 miles off the coast of Ireland.

Estimates of the economic cost of the storm, which veteran weatherman Michael Fish called ‘the embodiment of evil personified’, have been increasing hourly, but Minister for

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October 10, 2013

Badgers ‘won’t keep still’ complains Paterson

by philapilus

The government has strenuously denied allegations that around 50% of the dead badgers had in fact been purchased from a taxidermist just hours before the final figure was to be released

Environment Secretary Owen Paterson said yesterday that the failure to reach badger cull targets was due to the creatures’ propensity to move about, and hide underground, rather than sit very still in the open for 12 hours at a time waiting to be shot.

“It’s most unfair to blame us” said Paterson. “The government cannot be held responsible for the unsporting behaviour of badgers.

“It is not our fault if the little buggers won’t keep still. How can

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October 7, 2013

Children not learning enough about make-believe

by philapilus
Picture of Gen Con Indy 2008 in Indianapolis, ...

How can Jesus compete with breasts like Carol Danvers’?

 A damning Ofsted report suggests that over half of England’s schools are failing to teach children enough about fairytales and imaginary friends.

The report states that Religious Education is considered ‘Bullshit’ and ‘An utter waste of time’, by a worryingly high number of both pupils and teachers.

Unemployed RE teacher, Tim Twanks, said “When I was working I saw a disturbing and progressive decline in the numbers of children who believed in magical superfriends that listen to their

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September 30, 2013

UK children can’t hold their drink

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

Why don’t our children want to be more like this?

There was public outcry this morning at the revelation that hundreds of children across the UK – many aged 11 or under – were admitted to A&E units last year, after drinking too much.

A BBC Radio 5 live investigation revealed that 6,500 under-18 year olds were admitted to hospital in total, of whom nearly 300 were 11 and under.

Minister for Communities, Eric Pickles, said “This is an absolute disgrace. When I were a lad of six I drank eight pints a day without throwing up once, because I made sure that I simultaneously ate around 70 scotch eggs, pork pies and

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September 11, 2013

UK economy to collapse if England doesn’t qualify for Brazil 2014

by philapilus
World cup England

A metaphor even the English can understand

The success or otherwise of the England football team to qualify for the World Cup hangs over the UK economy like the sword of Damocles, it was claimed yesterday, and failure is guaranteed to reduce us to mass poverty, savage barbarism and starvation.

The British Retail Consortium yesterday warned the FA that if England did not qualify, the cost to the wider sphere of commerce across the UK would be “At least a Jizzilion kasmillion pounds”.

Wendy Nailinthehead, of the BRC, said “Unless our team of people who kick a ball about on a field get to kick the ball about on a field in South America, the

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August 23, 2013

Daily Telegraph wins top toadying award

by philapilus


Steven Seagal at the Pollstar Awards in Februa...

Cameron is nearly this cool

The Daily Telegraph newspaper has this morning thrashed all the competition to take the prestigious ‘Arselicker of the Year’ press award.

The Torygraph, despite numerous entries from papers across the political spectrum, clinched the award at the last minute with today’s article showcasing beach-based snaps of David Cameron.

The article suggests readers listen to ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ whilst ogling the photos of a barechested Cameron striding manfully across England’s fair sands, enjoying a

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July 9, 2013

Prince Charles’s letters can’t be seen in case they say what they say

by philapilus
English: His Royal Highness Prince Charles, Du...

Any fool could tell he’s a rampant commie

Three high court judges have ruled that letters in which Prince Charles tried to sway government policy should not be seen by the public, in case he tried to sway government policy.

Which he did.

The judges said that attorney general Dominic Grieve had done the right thing in vetoing publication of the ‘black spider memos’, which as they showed the prince doing something wrong, might make people think he had done something wrong.

Rejecting a

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