Posts tagged ‘Ed Miliband’

June 18, 2015

Labour candidates promise paperclips and Fanta

by philapilus

The 1926 General Strike was Corbyn’s first venture into the world of politics

The candidates for the Labour leadership engaged in a TV debate in Nuneaton yesterday, unleashing a fierce battle of ideological one-upmanship.

Although pundits had predicted little in the way of substance or policy, the four hopefuls exceeded expectations and laid out their candidacies with firm strategy.

Liz Kendall offered “A Britain that has many, many more paperclips available, not just in our offices but in our schools, our townhalls, and even

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June 4, 2015

Ed Miliband found rescuing kittens

by philapilus

“God told me to find them, bless their sweet little paws”

The former Leader of the Opposition Ed Miliband has been found wandering up and down motorways rescuing kittens, according to Thames Valley Police.

Making a statement to the press, PC McGarry of the Missing Politicians unit, said “I can confirm that having disappeared after his disastrous electoral defeat almost a month ago, Ed was found by a patrol vehicle, cycling along the hard shoulder of the M4 with a net and a little cage containing several feral cats.”

Mr Miliband initially pretended to be a Welshman called Dai Cheesebag, but officers found his House of Commons pass in his jacket pocket and

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May 13, 2015

Labour leadership contest: the candidates

by philapilus

They’re a sorry bunch, but just remember: it could be so SO much worse

Following Ed Miliband’s disastrous defeat last week, we bring you an update on all the candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring for the leadership of the Labour party.

Chuka Umunna: Umunna has really won over the youth vote, with his description of West End nightclubbers as ‘trash’. He has been described as the British Barack Obama, not because he resembles the American president, nor has similar politics, but largely because white people can’t name any other black political figures.

Joseph Stalin: Often described as being ‘hard left’, Stalin has vowed to

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May 11, 2015

Conservatives introducing ‘complete bastard’ agenda

by philapilus

New policies

David Cameron has announced that his new Conservative majority government will bring in a series of measures “designed to showcase the hideous bastard that lies within our collective soul”.

The prime minister said this morning “I had a great chat with the Queen on Friday, despite the fact we were both massively hungover from all the celebrating.

“I informed Her Majesty that I was going to be scrapping the Human Rights Act, bringing back fox hunting, ratcheting up austerity, clamping down on

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May 8, 2015

Ousted Clegg, Balls and Miliband announce musical career

by philapilus

‘I’ll be the handsome moody one’

The ousted leader of the opposition, deputy prime minister and shadow chancellor have revealed plans for future careers in the music industry.

Ed Balls, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband announced the launch of their new band ‘All Directions’ this afternoon from a pub on the Old Kent Road.

A visibly inebriated Ed Balls said “I come…I came in ‘ere, and there’s this fella! Nick Whassisname, and he was crooning and crying into a pint of bittetter, and I thought…thass lovely! Thass bloody…hic…lovely!”

Balls revealed that he began an impromptu duet with the weeping Clegg, which the

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April 17, 2015

Miliband disappointed after lesbian threesome fails to happen

by philapilus
Group hug

“Can I join in?”

Ed Miliband said he was devastated this morning, after the televised group hug between Nicola Sturgeon, Nathalie Bennett, and the Welsh one, failed to turn into something more erotic.

The all-female cuddle, which took place at the end of the broadcast election debate, was, said Miliband “One of the most exciting moments of my life since becoming an MP, and also one of the most disappointing.”

The Labour leader confessed “I really hoped there might be some kissing, and then maybe one of them would get out the body lotion, and

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April 15, 2015

Cameron pledges Good Life DVDs for everyone

by philapilus

A Conservative favourite, the Good Life featured a rich couple, and the peasants next door who lived off roots from the garden.

David Cameron has promised that a Conservative government will ensure everyone in the UK receives a cheap knock-off copy of three Good Life episodes, in one of those cardboard sleeves like you get free in the Daily Mail.

The Prime Minister said “In these times of austerity we will of course stick to the long term economic plan, of encouraging you all to bend over and assume the position. But I want the Good Life for each and every one of you. On DVD, which is cheaper and more realistic than actually providing a genuinely reasonable existence.

“We’re not giving you all of them, obviously; that would be extravagant. But you can have, oh I don’t know, maybe three episodes? Maybe the first one, and the one where they’re fighting over the windbreaker. Oh, and the Christmas one, where they all get drunk, and Tom and Jerry try and seduce each others’ wives.

“Just like when

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April 10, 2015

3 Minute Visions: The Conservative Manifesto, by Michael Fallon

by philapilus

‘Safe Hands’: two of the great things about Michael are that, unlike dangerously unhinged Ed, he used public funds to pay his mortgage, and achieved a drink-driving ban for no less than 18 months!

In this week’s ‘3 Minute Visions’ – our space dedicated to putting the roast-dinner leftovers of news through the blender of analysis, to produce the speedy soup of synopsis – we have asked the brilliant Defence Secretary, Michael Fallon, to talk about the Tories’ election campaign.

I am delighted to be asked to explain our manifesto to you, especially because, unlike Ed Miliband, we would never deliberately destroy our armed forces and hand this country over to the Soviets.

Our pledges to you, the voters, are based on not stabbing people in the back, like Ed does on a daily basis. I can’t tell you how I know this, but not only did he do this to his brother, David, he also stabbed several sick children in the face whilst “visiting” Great Ormond Street!!! (Additionally he

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March 30, 2015

Katie Hopkins joins Labour campaign with pledge to leave UK

by philapilus

Hopkins is the only female journalist whose existence was prophesied in the Book of Revelation: “Yea, and forth shall come a right bitch who will be unto you as a shard of broken glass through thine eyeballs, and a grating noise of horror in thine ears. And ye shall despair.”

Official Mouthpiece of Satan, Katie Hopkins, has unexpectedly joined forces with Ed Miliband, promising the UK that she will “fuck off forever and leave you all alone, if you promise to vote for Labour”.

Taking to Twitter, the professional harridan said “I guarantee that if Ed becomes PM I will leave this country and never come back. I might even get a surgeon to fuse my jaws together and cut off my typing finger, if you’re lucky.”

Labour spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “When Katie’s agent told us she

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February 10, 2015

Conservative auction offers fox-hunting, polo and peasant-throttling

by philapilus

He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole

A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.

“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to

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