Posts tagged ‘Ed Balls’

May 8, 2015

Ousted Clegg, Balls and Miliband announce musical career

by philapilus

‘I’ll be the handsome moody one’

The ousted leader of the opposition, deputy prime minister and shadow chancellor have revealed plans for future careers in the music industry.

Ed Balls, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband announced the launch of their new band ‘All Directions’ this afternoon from a pub on the Old Kent Road.

A visibly inebriated Ed Balls said “I come…I came in ‘ere, and there’s this fella! Nick Whassisname, and he was crooning and crying into a pint of bittetter, and I thought…thass lovely! Thass bloody…hic…lovely!”

Balls revealed that he began an impromptu duet with the weeping Clegg, which the

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March 17, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Belle on the budget

by philapilus

Once again we bring you the daily cartoon syndicated from sister paper the Grauniad! Today satirist Stefan Belle has, with outstanding, impartial insight, cut right to the heart of the budget debate! No wonder they call him “one of the least irrelevant 18th century

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February 12, 2014

UK Treasury ministers to rip off unsuspecting Americans

by unpseudable

With news emerging this week of a phone scam that used a photo of the unwitting Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, new and potentially lucrative Treasury schemes have been unveiled.

Who wouldn’t trust this guy?

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, put out a statement to explain: “We received reports that a woman from Kentucky got a call from Jamaica, informing her that she’d won $2.5 million and a Mercedes Benz, and all she needed to do was send money to pay off the tax on the prizes.  This she duly did – simply because the caller used a photo of Danny Alexander as ID, to prove his legitimacy.  And she thought he looked trustworthy – why is anyone’s guess.  So we figured: shit, why don’t we just do that?  We could make millions!

“And if we get caught

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January 29, 2014

Balls-baiting regresses to shouting ‘You’re a twat’ over and over

by philapilus

‘What’s so funny about a pair of balls and a stick anyway?’

Positive economic figures allowed the Tories to mount a concerted attack on Shadow-Chancellor Ed Balls yesterday, with initial homonym jokes about male testicles/his name, soon degenerating into screams of “You useless cunt, Balls!”

Questions from Conservative backbenchers began along the lines of ‘Is the opposition’s economic policy just total Balls?’, ‘Is the Shadow Chancellor getting testey?’ and even the somewhat laboured ‘Has the Shadow Chancellor run into a policy cul-de-SAC?’

But quite quickly the Tories

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January 13, 2014

Ed Balls challenges “fucking cunt Clegg” to fight after school

by philapilus

Historical precedent: Charles Kennedy thought he was hard too, until his nose was in the powerful, sweaty grip of Gordon Brown…

After saying on the radio that he could take the shadow chancellor in a fight, Nick Clegg was today formally challenged to a bout of fisticuffs by a highly inflamed Balls.

A Conservative eyewitness from Form 3B said that Ed Balls waited for Clegg outside the House of Commons at breaktime, and took the LibDem leader by surprise, pushing him to the floor.

“Nick tried to get up, but Balls stood above him, shaking his fists threateningly, until Cleggy curled up like a terrified hedgehog.

“The shadow chancellor then slapped the

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July 28, 2013

Reason for jump in economic growth revealed

by articulatedsheep

The reason for the huge spike in Britain’s economic growth in the last quarter has been revealed. 

Between April and June, the economy grew by a staggering 0.000001%. As a result, a swaggering George Osborne appeared on BBC Breakfast last week to say, “Basically, we’re the best, and Labour are shit. If we keep this level of growth up, the economy will be back to 2007 levels in 2178.” 

Ed Balls, meanwhile, has spent the last week locked naked in a cupboard, emitting huge, gulping sobs of shame and regret. 

Telegraph "must be kept in fridge for safety reasons", WH Smith insists

Telegraph “must be kept in fridge for safety reasons”, WH Smith insists

It has, however, now been revealed that the reason for the positive news on growth is the purchase in the Leeds Station branch of WH Smiths of a Twix, and a bottle of Buxton Spring Water, along with a complimentary copy of the Daily Telegraph. 

As part of the same transaction, a customer also took the opportunity of buying a large bar of Dairy Milk for £1, after being pestered to do so twice by the sales assistant. It is understood that this particular purchase tipped the economy into positive growth. 

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April 5, 2013

Osborne: “Only poor people commit murder”

by philapilus
George Osborne 0482am

“Grabbing you by the head, the benefits claimant will then break your neck with one quick twist”

George Osborne has this week outlined an intriguing new theory linking poverty to crime, a claim he explains is substantiated by the horrific Philpott tragedy.

Using the extremely media-provocative case of utter cunt Mick Philpott, who killed his own children, Osborne explained that “It doesn’t take Colombo to notice that the obvious prime causal factor in this vagabond’s brutal slaying of his children was that he was a benefits claimant.”

Speaking during a brewery tour, in

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March 20, 2013

Chancellor’s budget surprise

by philapilus
English: A slice of Strawberry Cheesecake from...

The economy might be utterly screwed, but cheesecake is delicious

George Osborne surprised Whitehall this afternoon with what pundits are calling his most unusual budget speech yet.

The chancellor had been expected to outline a series of cuts for government departments, describe a gloomy economic forecast, and once again offer no hope whatsoever except that alcohol will continue to be just about affordable enough for Britons to drown their sorrows.

But, breaking with tradition, Osborne stepped up to the dispatch box and instead of laying out the budget documents, opened a Patisserie Valerie package, revealing a

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January 4, 2013

Labour: “We pledge Ferraris for everyone (unless we win)”

by philapilus
Rare Casio fx-77 Solar Powered Scientific Calc...

It pretty much comes down to who has the best one of these

Labour has this morning revealed that if it were currently in power all of the long term-unemployed would be given temporary jobs , those in work would each get a Ferrari, barmaids would be 32% more attractive, and old people would remember more than they used to, and be slightly less annoying, talkative and urine-scented.

Ahead of next Tuesday’s debate on whether benefits should rise in accordance with inflation, shadow work and pensions secretary, Liam Byrne said “We have this really good scientific calculator, that Ed Balls’s mum bought him for doing his A-levels, and we all sat round and did the maths the other day, and we could afford to do all this right now, if we were in office. I bet you wished you’d voted for us now.”

Byrne added “We are throwing down the gauntlet to the conservatives with this hypothetical spending plan, and feel we can promise, hand on heart, that if we were in their shoes, everyone would have a job and a really fast car. This puts the onus on them to explain just why it is that Britain is not currently full of happy, employed people speeding around in new automobiles.”

Labour were

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December 6, 2012

Balls and Osborne in ‘Out-twatting’ draw

by philapilus
Ed Balls

not to be out-twatted…

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne and shadow chancellor Ed Balls finished neck-and-neck in yesterday’s smackdown battle for the coveted ‘total twat’ title.

‘Twatting’, or ‘Out-twatting’ as it is also sometimes known, has a long history within the hallowed halls of Westminster, and is central to parliamentary democratic debate.

According to time-honoured tradition, the process begins when, after having accused one another of doing exactly the same thing, a government minister and his or her opposite number, take turns at the dispatch box to call one another ‘twat’ as many

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