Posts tagged ‘DWP’

August 19, 2015

DWP only paying out for fictional claimants

by philapilus

Jesus wept, what a useless bag of smeg

After being caught out using made-up claimants for a benefits sanctions information leaflet, the Department for Work and Pensions has this morning admitted that the vast majority of the  benefits bill is actually being sunk in to non-existent claimants invented by the marketing department.

The DWP secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “I do have to admit this does sort of seem to go against the narrative of ‘benefits cheats bankrupting the country’ that I have spent the last five years banging on about.

“I’m not going to make any

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February 28, 2014

Coma patients to be used as energy source

by philapilus

It’s tempting to make a laboured DWP pun, like ‘the Department of Witless Penny-pinchers’. But it’s much easier to just say: Duncan Smith; Wanker & Prick

After a government attempt to ask coma patients to find work backfired, the Department for Work and Pensions has unveiled a new plan for increasing the productivity of the selfishly indolent sick.

The DWP had tried sending letters to coma patients, “aggressively encouraging them to stop being lazy, get up and do some bloody work”, only to realise that people in comas don’t generally read.

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “These layabouts didn’t even read the letters. Unbelievable! But we think we’ve

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January 10, 2014

Timelapse between enacting policies and apologising for them is to be abolished

by philapilus

Nick Clegg has been sent on a tour of the country to apologise for everything to every single member of the population individually

The government has announced that all legislation and  policy decisions will now automatically be accompanied by a formal statement accepting that they are completely wrong, and apologising in advance for all the damage they will cause.

The news came after it emerged today that Royal Mail shares are still worth way more than the government sold them for 3 months ago, and that simultaneously Iain Duncan Smith’s universally loathed ‘spare bedroom tax’ has already been a complete farce.

A government spokesperson said “Potentially around 40,000 people seem to have lost benefits who shouldn’t have, and Royal Mail shares are worth closer to six quid than the three and a bit quid we sold them for.

“We’ve been trying to make out it’s ok, but it isn’t, it’s all a complete

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