Posts tagged ‘Department of Health’

August 4, 2014

GPs telling patients to ‘fuck *ff’ by phone “not making them less ill”

by philapilus

Rubbish for listening to heartbeats

Doctors who instruct patients to bugger off over the phone are not successfully lowering the numbers of people seeking medical help, according to a new study.

The report, published in the Lancet, found that the new ‘time-saving’ measures, whereby patients telephone their GP rather than visit the surgery, “are not fooling anyone.”

It states that “People who have genuine medical issues still

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July 12, 2013

Cigarettes ‘less harmful’ when sold in attractive packets

by philapilus
English: Camel cigarettes. Warning signs on Ci...

The camel picture wards off sickness and death, and makes smoking these cigarettes almost as good for you as a healthy morning jog


The government has today defended its decision to defer introducing mandatory plain packaging for cigarettes, citing new evidence proving that cigarettes are 123% healthier when the packets have adverts on.

The conservatives were initially in favour of Department of Health recommendations to cut smoking rates through banning attractive packaging.

But a report commissioned by Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt suggests that a plain white packet bearing the legend “These will kill you, you moron” is much more likely to give you lung cancer, and significantly increases the chances of all your children dying from passive

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April 24, 2013

News Briefs: Evangelicals ‘confused and angry’ over HIV stagnation

by philapilus
English: A pair of white briefs.

Briefs, see? So sharp we might cut ourselves on our own elastic

Evangelical and millenarian churches have today expressed growing frustration and bewilderment, at the news that HIV is gradually being contained.

Many believers convinced that the virus is God’s righteous judgement on sinners were said to be ‘Shocked and riddled with doubt’, after a campaign by the Department of Health suggested the spread of HIV could be halted within as little as one generation.

Evangelical pastor, Reverend Willy Stroker, said today “I was convinced that what with the UK Parliament being full of fag-lovers who think bumbandits are basically fine, God would crush most of the country with a brilliant HIV plague.

“Obviously, however, God seems to have let us down on this one. If you ask me He is being a bit too compassionate. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t dream of casting aspersions on His Holy limitless wisdom, and I’m all for endless love and forgiveness.

“But gays deserve to suffer on earth and rot in hell, and that’s an end of it.”