Posts tagged ‘Department for Work and Pensions’

February 28, 2014

Coma patients to be used as energy source

by philapilus

It’s tempting to make a laboured DWP pun, like ‘the Department of Witless Penny-pinchers’. But it’s much easier to just say: Duncan Smith; Wanker & Prick

After a government attempt to ask coma patients to find work backfired, the Department for Work and Pensions has unveiled a new plan for increasing the productivity of the selfishly indolent sick.

The DWP had tried sending letters to coma patients, “aggressively encouraging them to stop being lazy, get up and do some bloody work”, only to realise that people in comas don’t generally read.

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “These layabouts didn’t even read the letters. Unbelievable! But we think we’ve

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December 13, 2013

EU migrants to face 100 ‘most dastardly questions’ IDS can devise

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith-Nightingale House-M...

Shown here retaking O-level Maths for the 47th time, it is believed that Duncan Smith (who lied about having studied at the University of Perugia) thinks exams are the worst fate anyone can suffer

From today all EU migrants wanting to come to the UK will have to answer 100 questions written by Iain Duncan Smith, and then allow him to spit in their mouths, before they can claim benefits.

A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions said “Immigration is a huge worry for us. We’ve all been basically running around the office, waving our hands in the air and screaming constantly, for about ten months now.

“Most mornings when I’ve taken the Minister his coffee, I’ve found him sitting under his desk, gently rocking backwards and forwards, muttering ‘Bulgarians, Romanians, millions of them…millions of

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September 11, 2013

Shapps: “Independent reports are more independent if I write them for you”

by philapilus
Resident with Grant Shapps

“Hi, my name’s Grant…or possibly Michael. Or maybe Sebastian… hang on, what day is it?”

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps has today lashed out at a UN official’s criticism of conservative party policy, on the basis that the comments weren’t made or approved by the conservative party.

Raquel Rolnik, who is producing a report for the UN human rights council on adequate housing around the world, recommended that the government’s changes of housing benefit be suspended, especially the so-called ‘bedroom tax’.

“This is disgusting,” said Shapps, “Ms Rolnik made totally unfair comments about social housing benefits, based on chatting to benefit claimants living in social housing! She didn’t

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