Posts tagged ‘Dawn French’

January 16, 2013

Outrage as wrong sort of testicles found in burgers

by philapilus
Offal

This would be much less appealing if it came from a horse

Shoppers expressed their fury today at announcements that the bits of intestine, testicles, nostrils and fat-cysts which they have been enjoying in their burgers, may have come from the wrong sort of quadruped.

Meat products from supermarket giants Tesco, Aldi, Lidl and Iceland have been withdrawn after tests indicated some products contained reclaimed processed mashed-up bodyparts that came from horses and not cows.

David Cameron issued a warning to food suppliers in a statement today; “This is totally unacceptable. Your big mashing machines, those ones that can grind up a tree and turn it into Weetabix, appear to have been used on horses instead of cows. Frankly all the poor people

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January 10, 2013

“Half the world’s food is absolutely yuck” says new report

by philapilus
bull ball

It’s not all bad; fast food burgers sometimes have actual bits from animals in them, like this.

The Institution of Mechanical Engineers has released a report which claims that around 50% of the world’s four billion tonnes of food is thrown away annually, because it is “Unbelievably disgusting and wholly indisgetible.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Institution’s Slough Roundabout branch, said “At first we thought that this waste was largely just down to edible foodstuffs being squandered through human error, inefficiency, and greed.

“But as we collected more data we found that almost all the food being thrown away tasted like  it was made of boiled baboon-anuses and raw bird-vomit. Maybe it was. We were too afraid to find out.”

The report states

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December 5, 2012

‘Now just hang on a frigging minute!’ say ordained women

by philapilus
Adam and Eve

The whole problem started with this dopey cooze; “Eat the apple, oh go on, eat the apple.” Idiot.

The recently unsuccessful campaign for women bishops reformed itself around a new purpose this morning, following the government’s announcement of changes to the rules of royal succession. 

The changes will allow Prince William’s first child to succeed automatically to the throne, even if he has a girl — a move which women liberals in the CofE have condemned as a violation of all that is natural and/or holy.

Large commedienne Dawn French, who has played a vicar and therefore knows what she is talking about, said “Women everywhere have struggled for the right to be the one in the funny hat and robes who tells all the ones in the funny robes but without hats what to do.

“I mean it’s pretty demeaning that

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September 17, 2012

Prince William: “Not enough is being said about my wife’s breasts”

by philapilus
prickly paddy melon (Cucumis myriocarpus), Wil...

Everyone likes melons

Prince William, the future King of Britain, has lashed out at the press and at common people around the world, for not showing enough interest in his wife Kate’s nipples.

In a statement released by the Royal couple today, William insisted that if Kate is indeed going to be Queen of the world’s ninety-sixth most important country, then people should jolly well start ogling her chest a bit more.

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January 25, 2012

Last week’s Radio Times £799 on ebay

by philapilus
Royal Marines snipers with L115A1 sniper rifle

The most popular Google search this week is 'Marines with their weapons out". Pictures like this cause great disappointment

Women and open-minded men across the country have been bidding so ferociously for copies of last week’s Radio Times, that the magazine has reached the reserve price on ebay of almost eight hundred pounds.

The egregious rag, with its pages and pages of thoroughly unenlightening articles when all you really need is a list of the programmes for God’s sake, featured a large group-photograph of some Royal Marines in nothing but their shorts.

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