Posts tagged ‘david miliband’

May 13, 2015

Labour leadership contest: the candidates

by philapilus

They’re a sorry bunch, but just remember: it could be so SO much worse

Following Ed Miliband’s disastrous defeat last week, we bring you an update on all the candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring for the leadership of the Labour party.

Chuka Umunna: Umunna has really won over the youth vote, with his description of West End nightclubbers as ‘trash’. He has been described as the British Barack Obama, not because he resembles the American president, nor has similar politics, but largely because white people can’t name any other black political figures.

Joseph Stalin: Often described as being ‘hard left’, Stalin has vowed to

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April 4, 2013

Di Canio: “I am NOT a racist fascist, just a fascist. Except that I’m not a fascist. Obviously.”

by philapilus
After taking power, Mussolini was often seen i...

“It’s not a political gesture”

Ex-footballer and Sunderland manager Paolo Di Canio gave a press conference last night, in which he told reporters that “I wish everyone would leave me alone, you know? I’m just going through one of those periods in life – everyone gets them – when you try experimental stuff out, you know?

“So what if I dabbled in a little fascism? I don’t see what the big deal is. A fascist salute here, a Nazi belief or two there – maybe even a tattoo of Mussolini covering my entire body, and a life-sized Hitler doll in my bed at night; none of it means anything.”

Di Canio likened his harmless experimentation to the sexual awakening of adolescence, saying “It’s like when I was boy, and one day I discovered

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October 1, 2012

Tory poll shows country is crying out for Miliband family brawl

by philapilus
English: Foreign Secretaries David Miliband wi...

“You want justice, you want me to do murder for money, but you don’t call me Godfather, you don’t come to me with love and respect. But if you respect me, David, then your enemy Ed – he will become my enemy also. And he will fear you, David…”

Accoring to a recent survey commissioned by the Tory party, what the people of Britain really want is some sort of gladiatorial combat between the Miliband brothers.

The poll, which was obviously completely representative, unbiased, and as accurate a gauge of British opinion as can be taken without literally sticking a finger up England’s jacksie, indicates that 89.7% of people want to establish an everlasting Tory Imperium.

The vast majority of people also want David Miliband to fight Ed to the death, in a cagefight reminiscent of the Tom Hardy/Joel Edgerton film, ‘The Warrior’.

Two-thirds of those surveyed said they would settle for a televised argument over Christmas dinner, followed by the two brothers trying to strangle one another on the carpet whilst their parents move to the drawing room and turn up Bing Crosby.

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June 24, 2012

Factional war erupts in Labour Party

by articulatedsheep

Ed Miliband has claimed that that his party’s moves to cheerfully rip itself apart are a “tactical move” intended to provide a more level playing field in British politics.

“To be frank,” said Mr. Miliband, “we’ve simply had it very easy for the last few months. The cavalcade of shit coming out of Leveson, much of it adhering embarrassingly to the Prime Minister and his senior colleagues, the double dip recession, the imminent and obvious disaster of the forthcoming benefit reform measures – the list goes on. Opposition has become a bit too much like shooting fish in a barrel, which is why we’ve decided to carry out some pointless internecine squabbling to give the Government a bit of a breather.”

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April 1, 2012

Ed Miliband revealed as April Fool

by articulatedsheep

The Labour Party has revealed that Ed Miliband’s leadership has been a gigantic, highly complex April Fool joke.

Revealing the amusing subterfuge, a bashful Miliband appeared at a press conference flanked by his brother, who actually won the leadership contest in 2010 but who agreed to stand aside for a couple of years “for a bit of a laugh”.

“It’s been a riot,” said a relieved-looking Ed, “but I think the joke’s gone far enough now. April Fool!”

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