Posts tagged ‘David Cameron’

April 20, 2016

“Sadiq Khan is muslim-coloured!” yells Cameron at PMQs

by philapilus
File:Sadiq Khan, September 2009.jpg

EXTREMISM!!!!!*

David Cameron caused considerable surprise today at Prime Minister’s Questions when he climbed up on the bench, pointed at Sadiq Khan MP, and shouted “Muuuussssslimmmmmm! Brrowwwwnn musssslim!”

As the prime minister continued to point and shriek, conservative MPs rose to their feet to get a better look at Khan, then joined the pm in horrified declamations.

“It was a terrifying spectacle,” said a Labour frontbencher, “just like in Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, when the

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April 7, 2016

The Prime Minister’s statement on his father’s tax avoidance

by articulatedsheep

This evening, it has emerged that the Prime Minister personally profited from an investment vehicle that his father, Ian, established to manage his cash in the Bahamas. Mr. Cameron has published a statement which we publish in full below. In doing so, we would like to make the caveat that what follows is entirely made up.

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April 5, 2016

Iceland PM demoted to shelf-stacking over Panama Papers allegations

by philapilus

They’ll probably pin the takeover of equally dreadful proletariat foodshop Bejams on him too

The Prime Minister of Iceland Sigmundur Gunnlaugsson has resigned after accusations of concealing millions of dollars worth of assets, and has been returned to the shop floor.

A spokesman for Iceland – a store known for its budget frozen foods and cheap and cheerful Christmas ads starring Jason Donovan – said “We haven’t had a crisis like this since Kerry Katona got caught with the magic fairy dust.

“Sigmundur hasn’t just let himself down; he’s let down all the mums who

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March 19, 2016

Labour plans weeklong campaign on the abolition of the Agricultural Wages Board

by articulatedsheep

Labour communications supremo Seumas Milne was reportedly “putting the finishing touches” to the party’s “week of action” on the abolition of the body that regulated wages for those in the agricultural sector, in the runup to Easter.

In a move likely to surprise commentators who might have expected the party to capitalise on the resignation of Iain Duncan Smith and open warfare in the Cabinet over Europe and cuts and disability benefits, Milne reportedly considers that there is “more long term traction” in a detailed dissection of the Government’s policies relating to the rural economy.

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February 9, 2016

Cameron’s mother furious after Mirror headline error

by philapilus

Enter a caption

David Cameron’s mother has expressed her rage today after the Daily Mirror ran with the headline ‘Cameron’s mum fights tory cuts’.

“I am sick and tired of newspaper staff failing to do simple spellchecks” said the former magistrate, “Obviously I am

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January 25, 2016

On this day: 25th January

by philapilus
File:Hippo Indigestion.jpg

Mob bosses found the exhilarating game was a useful way to settle their differences without bloodshed

TMB’s regular feature devoted to improving the public’s historical knowledge, reminding our readers that the past clings to the weft and weave of the present like the stubborn chubnuts after a vindaloo…

1925: notorious gangster Al Capone invents the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

1953: Southend is destroyed when a huge interstellar alien craft falls from

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October 4, 2015

2015 tory conference: Hunt mobbed by fans, Cameron praised for tax credit cuts

by philapilus

Beloved

The 2015 Conservative conference has already been judged a huge success, with witnesses describing an electric atmosphere at the Manchester venue.

Activists and party grandees cheered and cried out ‘Hosanna’ as David Cameron arrived riding his giant wild boar, Pickles, and strewing the ground before him with palm leaves.

After the prime minister dismounted he pissed in the face of a street urchin and announced that he would not be changing his mind on

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September 21, 2015

Samantha Cameron unlikely to accept ‘no comment’ on the dead pig-sex thing

by philapilus

Phwoar!!

It’s been revealed Samantha Cameron warned her husband earlier that “the ‘it’s beneath me to comment’ thing is really not going to fly at the dinner table tonight.”

Number 10 has worked hard today not to engage with allegations that the Prime Minister placed his member into the mouth of a decapitated pig’s head as a student, but Mrs Cameron told a friend that the allegations “would be coming up” and that there “would be repercussions” in the event of an unsatisfactory response.

The story, which

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September 16, 2015

Corbyn-Cameron PMQs “to last all week”

by philapilus

Obi Wan Corbyn is about to pop that lightsaber

The first PMQs between David Cameron and Jeremy Corbyn has substantially overrun, and according to sources “could last all week if not longer”, because of the huge sheaf of questions Corbyn is holding.

The session began well, with the two men making a pact that Prime Ministers Questions “should no longer be a screaming ‘Yo Mama’ match between middle-aged white men”. But interest in the chamber waned as the Labour leader began trawling through a list of 40,000 crowd-sourced questions.

MPs’ expressions changed from

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August 4, 2015

Calais migrants “have not yet unleashed armageddon” say experts

by philapilus

“fucking immigrants”

Analysts confirmed this morning that the South East of England has not yet descended into apocalyptic destruction and horror, despite the fact that a few thousand poor bastards are still trying to get across from Calais.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Reading Stuff, said “Even though the newspapers are saying that the Calais hopefuls have instigated the end times by climbing over a fence, we went and checked and Kent has completely failed to subside into the broiling maw of the sea, contra all expectations. In fact the

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