Posts tagged ‘david attenborough’

May 6, 2016

Attenborough to be renamed “Atty McAttface”

by philapilus
File:David Attenborough (cropped).jpg

Atty is expected to be launched into the Arctic Ocean some time next week

Sir David Attenborough is to be renamed ‘Atty McAttface’, in tribute to the failed attempt to name Britain’s new polar research ship ‘Boaty McBoatface’.

The ship was named the RRS Sir David Attenborough despite overwhelming public support for the Boaty moniker, by spoilsport science minister Jo Johnson MP, MP.

But a naming committee agreed that

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September 2, 2015

Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s

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September 10, 2013

Attenborough: “The End is Nigh”

by philapilus
David Attenborough 1

Moments later Sir David launched an astonishingly savage physical assault

Veteran broadcaster and beloved narrator of natural history programmes, Sir David Attenborough, was taken into care this morning, after he was discovered marching up and down Oxford Street screaming obscenities at people and chanting “YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DOOMED” through a loudhailer.

Sir David was wearing a sandwich board on which he had scrawled ‘The End Is Nigh’ dozens of times, using gibbon excrement.

The renowned presenter had previously

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May 22, 2013

Declining British wildlife “not meeting government targets”

by philapilus


English: Red Squirrel One of the many red squi...

Britain’s wildlife is massively inefficient, according to a prominent conservative thinktank

The government has been forced to admit failings in its wildlife policy, after a State of Nature report suggested that 10% of British animal and plant life could disappear entirely in the near future.

Number 10 issued a statement this morning saying “The projected reduction of wildlife shows a significant failure to achieve government targets.

“Under austerity measures, the coalition pledged to bring down British wildlife by 17% in the course of this parliament, rising to 34% by 2017.

“But due to

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June 13, 2012

Penguins “sick depraved bastards” revelation

by unpseudable

“You are sick! Sick! I can’t even look at you!”

Research newly unearthed by the Natural History Museum from Captain Scott’s expedition to the Antarctic reveal just how totally fucked up the animal kingdom can be.

George Murray Levick, a scientist with Scott’s expedition 100 years ago was so shocked by what he saw he could only face reporting the hideousness in Greek. Some male Adélie penguins, he reported, have sex with dead females. In fact, they’d sometimes fuck ones who died the year before. Furthermore some would lure females and chicks, screw them and sometimes even kill them.  And probably then fuck them again.

Some would even have sex with other males.

“They just fuck left, right and centre.” Wrote Levick. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. That’s all they do. Well, sometimes they eat. And sleep. The rest of the time it’s just a whole lot of fucking. Look, there are some going at it right now. Oh my God, I think I’m going to be sick. That one’s actually falling apart. Dead is dead, you sick fuck!”

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April 19, 2012

“Anyway…it was coming right at me!” sniffs Juan Carlos

by philapilus
African Elephant in South Africa

If you don't cull them they might take over the world...

King Juan Carlos of Spain has made a sulky apology, after  going on a luxury hunting jolly to Africa at a time when his subjects are currently enjoying an unemployment rate of almost 1 in 4.

The monarch admitted he might just have been rubbing it in a tad,  but still tried to play down accusations that he maliciously shot an elephant on his hunt in Botswana – an act which has enraged the Spanish public. Just to put that in context, this is a nation of people who like nothing better than gathering around and watching men stab angry male-cows in the head.

Juan Carlos claimed that he had got lost on the motorway in Catalonia, somehow ended up in Africa, and had then been forced to shoot a crazed elephant that was charging at him, in order to preserve his own life.

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