Posts tagged ‘Danny Alexander’

April 30, 2015

Wanker of the Week: Danny Alexander

by philapilus

Nominated by:

Albert Einstein

Nominated for:

“Vote for us if you don’t want the Tories to get in again, but you don’t mind us helping them get in again!”

Danny has today attempted to launch an offensive against his coalition partners, with all the acumen of a five year old telling tales in school. Basically he’s waving around a piece of paper from 3 years ago,which he says he’s only just found, and which proves definitively that the Conservatives are massive bastards who are

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February 12, 2014

UK Treasury ministers to rip off unsuspecting Americans

by unpseudable

With news emerging this week of a phone scam that used a photo of the unwitting Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, new and potentially lucrative Treasury schemes have been unveiled.

Who wouldn’t trust this guy?

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, put out a statement to explain: “We received reports that a woman from Kentucky got a call from Jamaica, informing her that she’d won $2.5 million and a Mercedes Benz, and all she needed to do was send money to pay off the tax on the prizes.  This she duly did – simply because the caller used a photo of Danny Alexander as ID, to prove his legitimacy.  And she thought he looked trustworthy – why is anyone’s guess.  So we figured: shit, why don’t we just do that?  We could make millions!

“And if we get caught

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October 28, 2013

HS2 alternative “Almost as disruptive as HS2” warns report

by philapilus
English: Danny Alexander MP addressing a Liber...

For decades hence an image of this face will accompany the definition of the word ‘Success’ in every encylopedia

A government-commissioned report by Network Rail and Atkins claims that the alternative to the highly unpopular HS2 rail link would be “probably almost as much hassle as HS2, so we might as well do it anyway”.

The report warns that upgrading existing rail lines instead of building unwanted new ones “Will be a massive fag, and will cost almost half as much, and since we already printed the brochures, and spent ages doing an HS2 Powerpoint presentation, when

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September 11, 2013

UK economy to collapse if England doesn’t qualify for Brazil 2014

by philapilus
World cup England

A metaphor even the English can understand

The success or otherwise of the England football team to qualify for the World Cup hangs over the UK economy like the sword of Damocles, it was claimed yesterday, and failure is guaranteed to reduce us to mass poverty, savage barbarism and starvation.

The British Retail Consortium yesterday warned the FA that if England did not qualify, the cost to the wider sphere of commerce across the UK would be “At least a Jizzilion kasmillion pounds”.

Wendy Nailinthehead, of the BRC, said “Unless our team of people who kick a ball about on a field get to kick the ball about on a field in South America, the

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June 27, 2013

Osborne “Not a commoner” say experts

by philapilus
English: McDonald's Shogun Burger with Egg

He also prefers champagne to Tesco’s budget lemonade. It’s shocking.

27/06/2013

Picture analysts say they have unearthed compelling evidence that the chancellor of the exchequer might actually be a bit posh, and not a cheeky Eastenders-type character, as was previously assumed to be the case.

George Gideon Oliver Osborne, heir apparent to the Osborne baronetcy, posted an image of himself eating a burger on Twitter, the night before his Spending Review speech.

This received a storm of frenzied acclamation, with 98% of the UK populace believing the picture showed that he’s ‘Definitely One of Us’.

But forensic photography experts have

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April 23, 2013

George Osborne’s Diary

by philapilus
George Osborne 0437bm

If I hold this in front of me, no one will see the stain

April 23rd

Got up this morning urgently needing a tinkle. Barely made it to the loo in time. Bed was dry today though, so that was a good start. Washed hands thoroughly.

What a week it’s been! Dear Margaret’s funeral of course, what a sad day for Britain and the world. Bit of a problem though, desperately needed a wee halfway through. Of course, you can’t get out when you’re in the middle of a pew!  

Had to sit there squeezing the

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March 20, 2013

Chancellor’s budget surprise

by philapilus
English: A slice of Strawberry Cheesecake from...

The economy might be utterly screwed, but cheesecake is delicious

George Osborne surprised Whitehall this afternoon with what pundits are calling his most unusual budget speech yet.

The chancellor had been expected to outline a series of cuts for government departments, describe a gloomy economic forecast, and once again offer no hope whatsoever except that alcohol will continue to be just about affordable enough for Britons to drown their sorrows.

But, breaking with tradition, Osborne stepped up to the dispatch box and instead of laying out the budget documents, opened a Patisserie Valerie package, revealing a

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March 19, 2012

Cameron “bored to tears” of trying to fix Britain

by philapilus
English: Isambard Kingdom Brunel against the l...

Cameron says "Handing over the running of things to Johnny Foreigner is what made Britain Great."

David Cameron will today announce in a speech that Britain is nowhere near as good as he thought, and rather than do the tiresome work of actually having to run it, he would quite like to just sell it off bit by bit.

“Having noticed how fantastically well privatisation always, always, always works,” Cameron is expected to say, “I am going to use the huge political mandate that you, the people of this country, overwhelmingly handed me, to sell Britain.”

He will go on to outline the vital importance of infrastructure to the efficient running of a country and its economy, before saying “which is why it is vital that we hand over as much of it as possible to private firms and other countries.

“Starting with something small, as a trial-run, that won’t affect anyone too badly if it all goes tits-up. Like the road system.”

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March 18, 2012

Osborne: “I am in touch with working people”

by articulatedsheep

Announcing that this week’s Budget will reflect the needs of the majority of Britain’s taxpayers, struggling to make ends meet, the Chancellor has pledged that fiscal and revenue policies being introduced in a imminent future will make a real difference to those staving off poverty.

Osborne: not in any way vampiric, we should stress

“I’m finely attuned to the needs of this country’s hard-pressed middle classes,” said Mr. Osborne, recoiling momentarily from a chink of sunlight penetrating through the stygian gloom of his inner sanctum in 11 Downing Street. “I have lost count of the number of people telling me that, because of the recession, they have had to sell one – or even two – of their Bentleys, or been forced to let go their fourth home in the Maldives.”

“Helping people like these to make their lives more comfortable is the reason I got into politics.”

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March 14, 2012

‘Sell me your children’s future’ says Osborne

by philapilus
Travis (chimpanzee)

believe it or not, this is one of his best ideas, bless him...

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has today cemented his reputation for no-nonsense, sound, tough-but-fair, ingenious economy-stabilising measures which are always, in a very real sense, completely fucking insane.

Terms like ‘true economic genius’, ‘trailblazing problem-solver’ and ‘competent financial manager’ have all been applied to Osborne this morning, though unfortunately all were preceeded with the phrase ‘He is definitely not a…’

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