Posts tagged ‘Daily Mail’

December 11, 2015

Mugabe backs Hopkins on backing Trump

by philapilus

‘England’s Rose’: according to Peter Sutcliffe, 84% of people consider Katie Hopkins to be the epitome of beauty

Robert Mugabe has this morning weighed into the argument over Donald Trump’s call for a US Muslim ban, claiming that “65% of all Britons agree with Katie Hopkins that at least 25% of all Britons agree with Donald Trump. Britain First! America First! Rights for Whites!”

Mugabe’s words were immediately backed by Kim Jong Un, whose support for Mugabe was subsequently backed by ISIS, who claimed that 3.3bn people (including themselves) had signed a petition calling for Trump to be king of the world.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Fuckwit-Analysis said “This is not the first time this has happened; a bigoted twat comes up with some spurious bullshit, which is immediately backed by an even bigger moron who invents some statistics, which are

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December 10, 2015

Daily Mail launches appeal to fix teeth of Lee Rigby killer

by philapilus

The Britain First campaign is asking the public to imagine Lee Rigby as “a little Christmas elf, who would want us all to join together in the spirit of charity”

The Daily Mail newspaper has announced a charitable appeal in order to raise funds for Michael Adebolago’s dental work.

The newspaper learned that the killer of Lee Rigby had lost two front teeth whilst being restrained by prison officers, and immediately decided to help.

Mail spokesperson, Mike Ock, said “Our paper is not just about cutting-edge journalism, we’re also about compassion. Lots of compassion. When we heard

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September 7, 2015

Cameron to announce card and flowers for refugees

by philapilus

“They’re only coming for our ludicrously generous state benefits – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with their own homes” said the complete c*nts of the British right-wing press, until 5 minutes ago 

David Cameron will lay out his new strategy for dealing with the mass migration problem this afternoon, which is expected to involve having a quick whip round for a commiserations card and a bouquet of flowers from a petrol station.

Sources close to the Prime Minister say he “will praise the courage of Syrian refugees, before promising to send the posey of flowers – and possibly a pack of Rich Tea biscuits that he’s had in the cupboard for ages and which no one has eaten.”

Mr Cameron will also, it is hinted, ask any

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July 7, 2015

Daily Mail to make official policy decisions on terrorism

by philapilus

The Daily Mail: literally never wrong, nor batshit mad

It has been announced that the Daily Mail will be allowed to make key decisions regarding the fate of British Jihadis, after the former head of counter-terrorism said he thought their ideas were “on the money”.

Robert Quick said “I was working through the policy implications of letting homegrown Islamists join IS provided they agree never to come back, when I suddenly realised that I was basically quoting a Daily Mail article by John Littlerick, saying we should ‘bloody well send ’em out there and good riddance’.

“I started to look through back issues, and found pretty much the same thing had been expressed on every page for a decade. Ever since 7/7 Britain’s meanest-minded journalists have encouraged everyone to think we should stick the towelheads on a plane, then tell them to fuck off and not

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May 1, 2015

‘Stumbling Ed’ pic replaces ‘Half-drowned Kinnock’ as entire basis for Tory campaign

by philapilus

STUMBLE!!! STUMBLE!!!!!!!

After Ed Miliband’s podium-step stumble on Question Time last night, gleeful Conservatives have said that their strategy for the remainder of this year’s election will be entirely based on showing photos of the stumble.

Lynton Crosby, election organiser for David Cameron and huge fan of the tobacco industry, said “This is fantastic. We don’t need to keep pretending we’re winning the economic argument, or even bother with policies. We’re just going to use the word ‘stumble’ over and over and over again on social media.

“It’ll probably still be good for milking in 2020. Just like when Neil Kinnock fell in the sea, all over again; that photo’s been

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March 2, 2015

CAGE sways Mail over ‘nice guy’ Jihadi John

by philapilus
File:Seeboden Treffling Burg Sommeregg Foltermuseum Guillotine 24082007 31.jpg

The mass beheadings that characterised the French Revolution started because a palace guard gave Robespierre a wedgie, and then flicked his earlobe – FIVE TIMES

The Daily Mail said it has “changed its editorial view” of Mohammed Emwazi, the terrorist known as Jihadi John, after reviewing the press conference held last week by advocacy group, CAGE.

The Islamic State militant was the subject of a tribute by CAGE director, Asim Qureshi, who praised Emwazi’s “Beauty, gentleness, softness, lovingness, kindness, sexiness, impressive trouser-snake, skill with a blade, and come-to-bed eyes.”

Mail editor Paul Dacre said today “The editorial team have watched the recording, and we were all really moved. Especially when Qureshi started crying because of how poor Jihadi John had been forced – utterly against his own will – into beheading people because

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May 7, 2014

Daily Mail apologises to immensely rich, powerful author

by philapilus
Curse that Muggle!

Curse that Muggle woman!

The Daily Mail has printed a grudging apology to JK Rowling, and has been forced to admit publicly that she isn’t “A lying money-grabbing single-mother benefit-cheat immigrant, who is gay, black and slaughters small furry animals in her living room whilst her friends watch and laugh.”

A Mail spokesperson, Percy Spoke said “My Lord Dacre has instructed me to say that we will retract the ever-so-slightly inaccurate thing that some people might have thought we meant.

“His Unholiness insists however that

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March 3, 2014

“Black, gay, jobless immigrants to side with the Scots?!” screams Daily Mail

by philapilus
File:Flag of Scotland.svg

“My mate told me that someone in the pub reckons the Scots and their Ugandan minions plan to crucify the English on it, in the manner of St Andrew”

Most of Middle England had a heart attack this afternoon, after Scotland offered asylum to homosexual Ugandan refugees, fleeing persecution under new anti-gay laws.

President Yoweri Museveni’s  outlawing of gay sex, gay marriage, speaking camply, or quite enjoying the pop music of the 1980s un-ironically, has left many in the country feeling they had nowhere to turn.

But Jock McStrap, Scottish Minister for England-bothering, said “Aye, send em aul o’er heer, we dinnae min’. If it macks yon English shat their troosers, aul the better, d’ye ken? The muir the murrier.”

The parts of

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October 1, 2013

Daily Mail attacks Miliband’s father for not being a Nazi

by philapilus
Harold, Lord Rothermere 1868-1940

It’s a good thing no one associated with the Daily Mail 80 years ago ever said anything even remotely politically or ethically unconscionable

The Daily Mail has entered into a savage row with Ed Miliband, over its assertions that the Labour leader’s father was “Not engaged enough in raving pro-Nazi demagoguery in his youth.”

Picking up on one line in a diary entry that Ralph Miliband made when he was a teenager, in which he pondered momentarily whether Imperial Britain might not after all be the bestest thing ever since the very dawn of time, the Mail launched into a characteristic tirade.

“It was the task, no the duty, of all young men of that era, to propagate the Nazis and the British fascists,” wrote a furious Geoffrey Levy “Right up

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May 31, 2013

Mars Rover ‘discovers Richard Littlejohn’

by philapilus
LBC News Talk - Richard Littlejohn photocard (...

Just Fucking Awful

NASA pictures from the Mars Rover have caused a furore of excited debate amongst the scientific community, after keen-eyed observers noticed they appeared to show Richard Littlejohn.

Scientists claim that by zooming in on details in the Rover’s 49,301st and 49,302nd photographs of small brown rocks, the repellent rodent can be seen quite clearly, chewing on its own testicles.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, leading geneticist from the Slough School for Spotting Stuff on Mars, said “We believe that

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