Posts tagged ‘Conservatives’

May 18, 2015

Cameron states “NHS pledges are achievable with sofa-cash”

by philapilus

“There’s probably four grand in that one”

David Cameron has insisted today that the Conservatives will meet their pre-election pledges on NHS funding because “there’s bound to be shitloads of cash down the back of hospital sofas.”

The prime minister said “Look, you know how it is, you sit down and maybe 20p rolls out of your pocket, gets stuck between the cushions, and you don’t find it till months later when you strip the cushions off to make a fort.

“Well imagine that for every sofa in every hospital, but then

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January 19, 2015

Party leaders outline policies based on personal lives

by philapilus

“I’ve won! I’ve won!”

In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.

David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.

“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the

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March 19, 2014

Proletariat to get drunk and play bingo after brilliant budget

by philapilus

Who says the Conservatives don’t understand modern Britain?

There was widespread praise today for George Osborne, after his egalitarian budget distributed tax breaks to the wealthy, and bestowed slightly cheaper beer and bingo on the unwashed masses.

Lumpenprole Wendy Nailinthehead said “Lor’ bless ‘im, the gennelman ‘as noticed us in our plight, and provided for us. ‘e’s a reg’lar saint. I can’t wait to go and spend me babby’s child allowance down the bingo ‘all.”

Big-fisted coal-miner and drinker, Alf Ardup, said “I don’t know much about economics. That’s for them as has school learning. But I am very thankful to them for the cheaper beer.

“Once a year I’ll be able to afford a whole extra pint, and on those nights the wife’ll get even more of a kicking when

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January 10, 2014

MP warns of influx of time-travelling immigrants

by unpseudable

Every Slav could have had one of these by 1988. We can’t know for sure.

Conservative Member of Parliament, and ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ star, Nadine Dorries, used her appearance on Question Time this week to alert the public to the danger of mass immigration from the Eastern Europe of the mid-1990s. Or potentially chronologically even earlier.

Dorries’ stark warning came in response to an audience member asking if racist rhetoric might subside as the feared large-scale influx of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria has failed to materialise. “There has been no tidal wave but there might be tomorrow, there might be next year – we don’t know – and that is the problem.” She asserted, continuing, “We could have a tidal wave from Yugoslavia.”

When it was pointed out to her that Yugoslavia broke up during the Yugoslav wars of the early 90s, Dorries continued, “Err, well, yes, of course.

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November 18, 2013

Paul Sykes in ‘Brewster’s Millions’ challenge

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at Lord's cricket ground...

“You don’t *have* to be a raving lunatic to support the UK Indepen– oh no, sorry, hang on a moment, yes you do.”

It has emerged that Paul Sykes’ decision to provide considerable financial support to UKIP, is part of an elaborate ‘Brewster’s Millions’-style challenge, whereby he has to bankrupt himself with nothing to show for it.

In the cheesy 1980s film, Monty Brewster accepts a bet whereby he has to waste $30 million in 30 days, in order to inherit $300 million.

Similarly, it has been revealed that Sykes was also offered the chance to inherit ten times his current £650m fortune, provided he wastes everything on pointless, ridiculous and unprofitable endeavours, like supporting UKIP.

But Professor

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October 2, 2013

Why Cameron’s cronies get the loaf, and the poor have crusts, by Polly Toynbee

by philapilus
David Cameron

‘I am guessing this uniformed man is the head of his fascist secret service, who go round supermarkets secretly re-pricing food until the poor can no longer afford it’

If ever we needed evidence that the Conservatives were out of touch, it came this week, when the Prime Minister admitted he didn’t know the price of a loaf of bread.

Unlike ordinary decent folk – like me – who do know the price (it’s 47p, and I didn’t just read that on the BBC website, I definitely already knew it), Cameron is living in Lala land.

Once again he seems to be inviting heavyweight, brilliant intellectuals – like me – to vent our spleens and make laboured, hamfisted, alliterative puns about how the crumbs and crusts the poor are living on are nothing compared to Cameron’s Cotswold Crunch.

In other words to make complete pretentious twats of ourselves.

Well, I’m not falling for it. I’m going to

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September 30, 2013

“You say Tom*TAY*to, I say tom*TAR*to, let’s call the whole thing an abomination,” say Tories

by philapilus
English: Green tomato on the plant before ripe...

Look at them rubbing against each other like a right bunch of gaylords

A new hybrid plant, called the TomTato, has just come onto the market, and has already been roundly deplored by senior Conservatives as “an unholy debasement of the concept of marriage, as laid down by God Almighty.”

The TomTato, created by grafting a potato stalk to a tomato stalk, was intended to be a solution for people with small gardens, as it produces both crops from a single plant in a single pot.

But Peter Bone, Tory MP, said “This plant clearly represents a departure from scripture. Need I remind today’s market gardeners of Leviticus 19, which says ‘thou shallt not sow thy field with

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August 14, 2013

Cameron promises to get tough on prejudice by pretending it isn’t there

by philapilus
PM welcomes President Putin

“Honestly Stephen, you should see the ticking off I gave him last time we met!”

In a Twitter statement today, David Cameron has set out the Conservatives’ election manifesto on tackling prejudice, promising that “Wherever we find injustice and cruelty we will face it head on, and jolly well absolutely ignore it till it gets the message.”

Cameron’s tweet follows a similar statement earlier this week, in which he gave a masterfully-reasoned rejection to Stephen Fry’s plea for a boycott of the Sochi games.

He explained on Sunday “Only by attending the 2014 Winter Olympics, and completely refusing to mention Russia’s endemic homophobia, whilst complying wholly with their draconian anti-gay laws, can Britain lead the world in challenging prejudice.”

Stephen Fry said

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November 2, 2012

Government spends a fortune stuffing massive reptile

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles MP, Conservative Party C...

Photographs of his entire body are only possible from space

Following the shock news that the Foreign Office spent £10,000 restuffing an anaconda, an FOI request has this morning revealed this was not the only time public money has been poured into stuffing frightening, gargantuan reptiles.

Albert the anaconda was presented to the Foreign Office in the 19th century, and having deteriorated significantly, was conserved at considerable cost by scientists at the Natural History Museum.

But a Freedom of Information request by TMB has uncovered an expenditure of hundreds of thousands of pounds since the Conservatives came to power, on making sure Eric Pickles is also adequately stuffed.

A civil service source, who asked to remain anoymous, said “The problem with the thin-lipped, cold-blooded beast, is that when he dislocates his jaw, he is capable of swallowing a small community – in one sitting.

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October 31, 2012

Tips for Running the Country, by Pippa Middleton

by philapilus
Hot cross buns. Note: these are square buns fr...

Not just the princess’s sister: Pippa is also well known for her incredible buns

Hello everyone! Following the fab success of my party planner’s guide, ‘Celebrate’, I was approached again by Penguin, and offered another half million pounds to write another book. Isn’t that brilliant?!

After some meetings (which were lovely!), which we held in Claridge’s tearooms, we decided to do a book specially for all those brainiacs who keep us all so safe and happy with their brilliant ruling.

And I don’t mean just my sister! I’m talking about all those dear men  who make all those laws and stuff. I am sure they know what they are doing, but we could all do with a few tips from time to time couldn’t we, and half a million smackeroos sounds good to me, so what the hey, I’ve written a book just for them! Lovely!

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