Posts tagged ‘Conservative’

June 6, 2014

Nigel Farage delighted with not winning Newark

by philapilus
2nd Place Ribbon by cross37 - A basic 2nd place award ribbon

“Yay! We won!”

Nigel Farage last night expressed his delight at UKIP’s coming second in the Newark by-election, and claimed “I think you’ll find we never wanted to win anyway.”

Mr Farage initially denied having ever indicated UKIP would win outright, then agreed he had said it but insisted he was talking about a different place called Newark, then denied it again, then finally said that whilst he had said it, if you listened carefully, it was clear he hadn’t meant it in the way it sounded.

He went on to explain that he was very tired.

“When I said we would win Newark, obviously what I meant was that the Conservatives would win the actual seat, but that we would

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December 12, 2013

‘Barmy cult’ promoted to ‘barmy religion’ status

by philapilus
L. Ron Hubbard in Los Angeles, California.

“If you pile this much cash in front of me, I’ll tell you all the secret mysteries of the universe…”

The Supreme Court yesterday ruled that “big pile of flannelwank”, Scientology, is to be elevated from amongst the world’s batshit-mad cults to join the ranks of the batshit-mad religions.

Lord Chief Justice, Justin Lord-Judge, said “Scientology is a huge bunch of arse, and as such it is beyond the realm of possibility that any free-thinking, vaguely rational person would consider it as anything other than make-believe babble.

“However, it is no more ridiculous than any of the other huge bunches of arse making supernatural claims, such as Islam, Buddhism, Judeo-Christianity, Hinduism, or the Conservative party.

“Therefore, as

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November 18, 2013

Public asks Google and Microsoft: ‘Why the shitting hell didn’t you do that before?’

by philapilus
2 x IBM PC XTs

Microsoft said yesterday that it has ‘rethought’ the ‘Great For Kiddyfiddle Pics!’ slogan used to advertise early versions of its Operating System.

After Google and Microsoft announced joint measures to make it harder to find images of child abuse online, literally everyone has responded by saying in unison “Ok…so why exactly didn’t you do that before, you fucking pricks?”

A spokesman for the partnership project, Percy Spoke, said “Our set of new algorithms will ensure that many inappropriate searches no longer return images of sexual abuse, and instead a big shiny message will pop up, saying ‘Oh you naughty thing, you!’

“We thought we might include a funny GIF of a well-known and trusted celebrity waggling a finger. Someone everyone loves, and who has worked with children; you know, someone like Jimmy Savile.”

As the incredibly

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November 14, 2013

Tories ‘said nothing’ between 2000 and 2010

by philapilus

“YOU know I’m not a total wanker, don’t you?”

The Conservative central office announced today that it had expunged its entire archive of speeches and press releases for the first decade of the century, because there really hadn’t been anything worth keeping in it.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “We looked through it, and basically we have just been saying exactly the same thing for years.

“We haven’t changed our policies one iota, and we haven’t said a thing that we’re not saying today, so there was no need for the archive. You can just listen to what we are

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November 11, 2013

English language ‘now finally broken beyond repair’ after John Major’s killing stroke

by philapilus
former British PM John Major in the Terme Hote...


The long-suffering English language was rendered asunder this morning with an audible ‘pop’, after former tory prime minister Sir John Major accidentally stretched logic and truth beyond the point of no return.

In what only a severely brain-damaged rabbit could call a shrewd observation, Major suggested that a private school-educated elite had a stranglehold on public office and the running of the country.

But, unfortunately for meaning and semiotic consistency with reality, Major followed this up by suggesting that the highly-privileged elite  – which includes, for instance, the entire Conservative cabinet – was somehow

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October 7, 2013

Cabinet reshuffle expected this week

by philapilus
English: More clowns at Clown School

The new line-up pose for a photo at No.10

Rumours of an anticipated cabinet reshuffle have heightened, after Chloe Smith and John Randall stepped down from their government posts on Sunday.

The two signed a joint letter of resignation, saying “Dave, you are a twat. We know you were going to axe us, so we’re off. Go fuck yourself with a splintery broom-handle.”

Although the Prime Minister has been relatively secretive about when the reshuffle will happen, a Westminster source says that the likely recipients of certain posts are “obvious really. It’s a no-brainer.” The expected changes include the following:

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May 14, 2013

Cameron “Absolutely delighted” by Tory infighting

by philapilus
English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

“It’s going really well. Definitely.”

Downing Street issued a statement this morning saying that the prime minister was “very happy” with his party’s current self-combustion over Europe, and considers it a sign that the debate is “very healthy and not-at-all castatrophically fuckwittedly disastrous for us”.

Many Eurosceptic Conservatives were enraged by the ommission of any reference to an EU referendum in the Queen’s Speech, and have proposed an amendment in Wednesday’s debate on the speech, along the lines of “Sodding well grow some bollocks, Dave”.

But Cameron has played down

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May 9, 2013

Tories to ‘Out-bonkers’ Ukip by bringing back Dorries

by philapilus

Nadine says the colourful voices that live in her teeth told her to rejoin

After losing ground to Ukip in last week’s county council elections, the conservative party has reinstated Nadine Dorries, in an attempt to reclaim the status of ‘party with the highest appeal to lunatics’.

Dorries was suspended from the Tory benches for taking a holiday whilst parliament was sitting, in order to appear on a reality TV show.

But as the conservatives realised they were being out-manoeuvered by the preternaturally unhinged Nigel Farage, chief whip Sir George Young said they had “No alternative but to roll out the biggest nutters we possibly can. And they don’t come more batshit-crazy than Nadine.”

Dorries has

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April 29, 2013

Conservative ‘Holy Relics’ to go on sale

by philapilus
Andrew Mitchell meets Michelle Bachelet, head ...

If he shakes your hand, don’t wash it, because the holiness that rubs off on you protects from scrofula and herpes.

Chairman of the Conservative Party, Grant Shapps, has unveiled a new Tory plan to auction off sacred obects associated with senior party figures.

Beginning with the bike belonging to Andrew Mitchell, which was at the centre of the ‘Plebgate’ row, key items are to be sold via Ebay, to spread the holy power of Conservatism throughout Britain.

Shapps said yesterday “Buying these miraculous objects is

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April 8, 2013

Britain to spend next two weeks pretending to be sad about mad old lady’s death

by philapilus
Ed Milliband MP speaking at the Labour Party c...

It’s not exactly the face of someone who’s mourning, is it?

According to experts, everyone in the country is going to spend the next fortnight acting as if the death of former prime minister Margaret Thatcher is A Great Loss To The Nation, rather than something they are a) indifferent to, or b) delighted about.

Known as the ‘Iron Lady’, Mrs Thatcher was in power from 1979-1990, a period during which she very nearly managed to rid the UK of its pesky lingering vestiges of industry.  

A particularly skilful creator of mass unemployment, Thatcher was also an adept financial deregulator, and

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