Posts tagged ‘Conservative party’

April 1, 2015

Tories say ‘votes of 100 bosses are the only ones that matter’

by philapilus

British money has not been given the vote yet

The Conservative party expressed its delight this morning, after a supposedly unsolicited letter signed by 100 business leaders backed Cameron for a second term.

Grant Shapps, party chairman, said “The rest of the electorate can fuck off now. These people are richer, cleverer and more important than all of you. With their votes, it’s in the bag.

“Fuck off Britain. Your leaders have spoken.”

Businessman Mike Ock said

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January 23, 2015

7-party debates replaced with 93-party debates

by philapilus

Police try to hold back political party leaders as they storm the BBC studios

The breaking news that televised UK political debates may now include seven parties, has been immediately superseded by the news that in fact nineteen parties will be involved. This statement in turn has instantly been made null and void since we wrote it, by the news that twenty-six party leaders will now be debating.

The debates, scheduled to take place ahead of the general election later this year, were initially going to involve only the three main parties; Conservatives, Labour and Ukip. But after much argument between the prime minister and other leaders, the inclusion of smaller parties has now been put forward.

Political analyst Tim Twanks said “After

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November 7, 2014

Absolutely no one challenging Miliband for ‘unwanted’ leadership

by philapilus

Gold-plated job security: when literally everyone else would rather die than take over from you

Labour rebels denied attempts to overthrow Ed Miliband today, adding that no matter how dissatisfied they were with him, they couldn’t find a single person willing to take over and lead the Labour party into catastrophic general election defeat next year.

Rebel Wedge Antilles, MP for Little Chittface in Hampshire, said “Well, there has been a fair bit of sniping about Ed behind his back. There’s been clandestine meetings where everyone is trying to make out that they’re planning leadership challenges, and so forth, mostly out of bravado.

“But actually we haven’t found a single person who will go through with it and usurp Ed’s place. It’s a shit job, and

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September 29, 2014

Boris lambastes “Tory nutters for joining Ukip nutters”

by philapilus

The very Reckless Mr Mark Stupid MP

In the run-up to his headline performance at this year’s Conservative Party conference, Boris Johnson has attacked Tory defectors for being “Nuts. But, er…not in, you know, the good way.”

The rockstar-politician and occasional Mayor of London said that traitors Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless “Should be, well, should probably

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September 23, 2014

Miliband: “I can fix Britain by 2025, if you all just go away and count to a billion”

by philapilus

“Keep your eyes shut… no peeking, or you’ll spoil it!”

Ed Miliband wowed the Labour conference today, with a closing speech ambitiously pledging to fix absolutely everything in the UK in 10 years – provided everyone just goes away until he’s finished.

The leader of the opposition told party members “This is NOT another slogan. ‘Britain 2025’ is a real, tangible thing.

“I PROMISE you, hand on heart, that if elected I will definitely fix this broken country in a decade. Only thing is, it’s sort of like a magic trick; I have to do it secretly. If you’re all watching and scrutinising me, it won’t work. Kind of like

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March 10, 2014

Cameron still paying for friends

by philapilus

handshake-158683_640[1]

Tory HQ has had a special brochure printed to explain the concept of ‘Friends’ to party members

After it was confirmed this weekend that David Cameron continues to pay for people to like him, everyone agreed that this was pretty much what they’d expected anyway.

The story that the Tories had spent thousands of pounds trying to convince people to like his shitty Facebook page excited some utter morons, but failed to impress those of Cameron’s detractors or supporters with reasonable IQs.

IT consultant, Wendy Nailinthehead, who specialises in telling people to turn it off and then on again, said “Well, we all know he’s been doing that since infants school anyway. So why

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November 5, 2013

Russell Brand to set himself alight on bonfire in Guy Fawkes tribute

by philapilus
Lewes Bonfire, Guy Fawkes effigy

Tracey Emin has made an incredibly lifelike sculpture of Brand in honour of his sacrifice, which is called ‘I want to have your abortion, Russell’

Self-proclaimed revolutionary Russell Brand has offered to burn himself to death, in an open letter reply to Robert Webb’s open letter response to Brand’s interview with Jeremy Paxman, which was itself in response to Brand “having decided to go all political and stuff”.

After Webb chastised Brand for chastising Paxman for chastising Brand for telling young people not to bother voting, Brand chastised Webb in return for having had an education, and he went on to refute Webb’s allegation that revolutions inevitably lead to violence, death camps and the worst of human horrors.

“Yeah like, maybe in the past or whatevs, but now it’s like, a different era,” said Brand “and like I’m well political, and tryna get all like disenfranchised young people not to vote but to

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October 23, 2013

Major attacks Cameron on energy policy

by articulatedsheep

In a surprise intervention, former Prime Minister John Major has attacked the Coalition’s energy policy.

Dat crump, fam

Dat crump, fam

Major was elected to his Huntingdon seat in Parliament in 1979, before becoming Prime Minister in 1990. Following his emphatic electoral defeat in 1997 and his subsequent decision to withdraw from frontline politics, he relocated to south London’s notorious Aylesbury Estate near Peckham, where today he scrapes a living as a small time drug dealer and DJ.

“I sez to him, ‘It bait, bruv.'” Major explained to reporters. “‘Fam, round dis ends everyone know them retail electricity market is a jinels.’ But he givin’ me air, innit.”

“Is I vexed though?” Major continued with a sigh. “Iss standard, blud.”

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July 15, 2013

Iain Duncan Smith revealed as fake

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith-London March 2010

It should have been obvious to anyone this was just a clown in a grotesque mask having a laugh

This morning David Cameron’s credibility suffered another blow, after it transpired that his Work and Pensions Secretary is not real.

Commenting on the benefits cap being unrolled today, the Prime Minister tweeted Duncan Smith’s on Twitter, only to discover that it was in fact a parody account he had tweeted.

But worse was to follow, as Cameron’s staff tried to find the DWP minister to see what was going on, and discovered that not only was he not in his office, but, technically speaking, he does not exist.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for

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April 2, 2013

Duncan Smith rushed to hospital after £53pw challenge backfires

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith, British politician...

If he doesn’t pull through, Iain will always be remembered for his kind heart and dashing good looks

The Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, was taken to hospital in what was described as a ‘dangerously critical condition’ this morning, less than 2 hours into his attempt to survive for a week on £53.

Duncan Smith had gamely taken up the challenge to prove his claim that living on the minimum benefits allowance was “a piece of piss”, and agreed to a trial beginning at 7:30AM today.

But after spending almost all

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