Posts tagged ‘Cocaine’

November 27, 2013

Nigella’s ‘accidental’ illegal ingredient

by philapilus
Cocaine powder

“Doesn’t that look like salt to you?”

It has emerged that TV chef Nigella Lawson has been ‘accidentally’ adding cocaine to her cooking for several years.

“It was completely unintentional,” insisted an embarrassed Nigella, “I was going to add some baking soda to a bread recipe, and realised I ‘d run out.

“The cornershop didn’t have any, and Tesco was shut.

“Then this guy approached me on the street and asked was I looking for something. Well, he

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December 7, 2012

“Tis jus’ me magic fairy dust!” cries Dettori

by philapilus
A leprechaun counts his gold in this engraving...

it’s hardly surprising really: why else would jockeys go so quickly from happy to fighty to miserable?

Italian leprechaun and jockey Frankie Dettori said this morning that he is extremely upset about the six-month ban that French racing authorities have handed him.

Dettori tested positive for a banned substance in September, believed to be cocaine. But the three-time British champion refutes this charge, and insisted “No to be sure, twas me magic dust! Begorrah; we leprechauns all use it, otherwise how else would we get on something as big as a horse, begad?”

Jean Michel Jarre, spokesman for the stereotypically French racing authority, France Galop, said “Hawhehaw, zis little man, he has been – how you say in English? – taking ze piss, no? He is doing ze coke, and he expect us to

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March 12, 2012

“I was completely off my tits” says Prince

by philapilus
Cocaine powder

"This is rally good shit, homies"

An aide to Prince Harry has issued an important correction to all the newspaper stories which reported that the Prince had been ‘choked up’ on his recent Commonwealth tour.

Apparently Harry had actually admitted to being ‘coked up’, but due to an over-reliance on Microsoft spellcheck – stemming from piss-poor education – virtually every Fleet Street Royal Correspondent had managed to misrepresent the Prince.

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