Posts tagged ‘Clegg’

October 24, 2013

Facebook allows users to post video of Clegg-beheading

by philapilus

 

David Cameron

Dave ‘Headsman’ Cammers

Having just made a U-turn on an earlier U-turn over the posting of videos depicting beheadings, Facebook is once again courting moral controversy, after announcing it will be allowing the posting of grainy, domestic footage showing the decapitation of Nick Clegg by David Cameron.

The beheading, which sources close to the prime minister say has been on the cards for some months, will take place later today, in response to Clegg’s declaration of disagreement with the tories over the ‘rolling back’ of green levies.

It will be videoed by an aide using his iPhone, stolen by the NSA, leaked by a whistleblower, and then uploaded to Facebook all around the planet by around 10pm GMT.

A spokeswoman for

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February 20, 2013

“If I told you the truth you’d crap yourself” warns Clegg

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister of ...

He’s fine, right up to the point when he opens his mouth

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg caused concern this morning, when he refused to give exact figures for how many Romanians and Bulgarians are expected to immigrate when restrictions are lifted next year.

Speaking on his LBC Radio slot, Clegg struck terror into the heart of middle England when he declined to reveal the government’s estimate, saying “Firstly it’s more of a ‘guesstimate’ anyway (which admittedly makes a mockery of the whole thing), but to be honest, I’m worried that if I told you the figure you would probably just have a massive seizure.

“I imagine that

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June 13, 2012

Clegg “finally to show backbone” by standing up to Cameron in pointless, ineffectual way

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg, Leader of the Liberal Dem...

Receiving a bit of career advice; Clegg said this informal chat helped him immensely

The deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg, will today do everything he can to confirm speculations about how utterly impotent he is within the ironically named “coalition” government.

As the fate of  Jeremy Cunt completely fails to hang in the balance, Clegg has ordered the Liberal democrats to abstain from a pointless vote about whether or not the Hulture Secretary will be referred to the adviser on the ministerial code.

The ministerial code, a huge leather-bound manuscript, kept locked away and defended with terminal intensity by Keith Richards wearing a pirate hat, is a laughable list of things which ministers should try not to get caught doing.

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May 8, 2012

Cameron and Clegg: “We can work it out”

by philapilus
Nick Clegg and Chris Huhne

Sometimes Cameron didn’t even bother turning up to the Couples Counselling sessions…

David Cameron and Nick Clegg will publically renew their vows today, in an outdoor ceremony presided over by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The Prime Minister and his squeeze have had a rocky couple of years, and want to reaffirm their relationship in front of the press, who have so closely followed the stormy rows.

According to a leaked memo, Clegg will begin the scripted exchange, saying “David, I promise to stay by your side (or more properly, beneath you), to nurture you, to cherish you, and to honour you, with my body, and I renew my vows by re-offering my ring – somewhat red and raw though it curently is.”

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March 12, 2012

No articles about Nick Clegg today

by philapilus
English: Shirley Williams, Baroness Williams o...

Having a go at this poor old dear would be like running up to Simon Weston and saying "Hey, mate: You're REALLY handsome...NOT!!" You vicious bastards...

In a surprising move, the British press has today made a uniform decision not to bother printing anything about the sorry state in which the Lib Dems – well, to be honest you already know. Which is precisely the point.

After the combined might of Clegg and Shirley Williams failed to control the party at its Gateshead conference, the editors of every newspaper in the country issued a joint statement that “It’s really just not worth writing about Nick anymore. It’s like stapling a corpse to a wall in order to be able to execute it by firing squad.”

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