Posts tagged ‘Church of England’

July 12, 2017

Vatican: Glutenous bread “more fleshy”

by unpseudable

An artist’s representation of Jesus

The Roman Catholic Church this week ruled that gluten-free bread can no longer be used in Mass.

In a letter to bishops, Cardinal Robert Sarah stated that gluten-free bread “just isn’t Jesusy enough, you know? The texture is all different – not like flesh at all, in my experience.”

Sarah (who is obviously a man – this is the Roman Catholic Church), went on to add, “I mean, what’s the point of a metaphor if people don’t stick to it rigidly?

“N-not that it’s a metaphor of course, oh no: Jesus was literally – literally, mind you – made of bread and wine.

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March 21, 2013

Archbishop spells out radical new message on homosexuality row

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Hands up if you still can’t decide…

The newly enthroned Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, announced today that he would bring to the church a new way of thinking about the controversial issue of gay marriage.

Speaking to a 2000-strong congregation, which included Prince Charles and David Cameron, Welby said “I feel that the deep divisions over same-sex marriage within the Anglican community have brought us to  a point of crisis, and the time for a new direction has come.

“And so whereas my predecessor, Dr Rowan Williams, characterised his feelings on this issue as ‘Frustrated’, I think you will all agree my approach is both original and positive when I tell you that I, on the other hand, feel ‘Challenged’.”

He beamed and repeated “‘Challenged’, see? It’s a totally different word.”

After several moments of

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December 5, 2012

‘Now just hang on a frigging minute!’ say ordained women

by philapilus
Adam and Eve

The whole problem started with this dopey cooze; “Eat the apple, oh go on, eat the apple.” Idiot.

The recently unsuccessful campaign for women bishops reformed itself around a new purpose this morning, following the government’s announcement of changes to the rules of royal succession. 

The changes will allow Prince William’s first child to succeed automatically to the throne, even if he has a girl — a move which women liberals in the CofE have condemned as a violation of all that is natural and/or holy.

Large commedienne Dawn French, who has played a vicar and therefore knows what she is talking about, said “Women everywhere have struggled for the right to be the one in the funny hat and robes who tells all the ones in the funny robes but without hats what to do.

“I mean it’s pretty demeaning that

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November 22, 2012

“God prefers willies” says Church of England

by philapilus
English: Rowan D. Williams, Archbishop of Cant...

“I’m not saying its massive, but at least it dangles, and that’s all God cares about”

In the wake of the General Synod’s vote yesterday, which saw the CofE reject proposals to allow women bishops, a statement was released this morning claiming that, generally speaking, God Almighty is much more into dicks than fanny.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and Justin Welby who will succeed him at the end of his term, co-authored a letter to the Times in which they explained that “Before the vote the Church engaged in long and deep prayer sessions, asking that the will of God be revealed through the voting of his followers.

“Clearly therefore, it was His holy guidance which led us to decide that women aren’t as good at stuff like wearing dresses and talking loudly in public.”

The letter continues “On the whole, God is

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November 19, 2012

“Actually, we don’t want to be bishops anyway” say women

by philapilus
English: Henry Chichely, Archbishop of Canterbury

“We already get to wear much nicer dresses, anyway.”

As the Church of England’s General Synod prepares to vote tomorrow on whether to allow women to become bishops, the Anglican communion has been rocked by the revelation that women don’t care anymore.

Across the country, equality groups and feminist campaigners said this morning that the whole thing was just boring now.

“It’s taken twenty years to get to this vote,” said Reverend Dawn French, whose congregation at Dibley had been very keen to see her leave and stand for a bishopric “And frankly, I just think I want to work in a sector where wondering if women aren’t some dirty, inferior shadow to men isn’t cutting edge, radical thought.

“I was thinking of

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September 26, 2012

Commission to choose new Archbishop convenes

by philapilus
Rolf Harris @Sheffield Doc/Fest 2010

The church stands firmly against bestiality. And on an unrelated note, here’s Rolf Harris.

The Crown Nominations Commission today begins its final meeting to select a candidate to succeed Rowan Williams.

The meeting, which will last two days and is held at an undisclosed location, is traditionally surrounded by a veil of secrecy, but in an exclusive scoop TMB has discovered the names on the short list. This is the first time such information has ever been unveiled.

According to highly secret sources, there are two front-running candidates, and the committee is deadlocked between them. Both men are understood to be desperate to win the nomination, as they are both shortly to leave their current posts.

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July 13, 2012

Joke religion to broadcast bollocks

by unpseudable

The man without whom there would be no Battlefield Earth. Just think about that.

As if existing and having famous members wasn’t enough, the Church of Scientology now plans to launch a TV station.

Scientology spokeswoman, Karen Pouw, said, “The Church (that’s right, I said “Church”) plans to establish a central media hub for our growing world network of churches, and to move into religious television and radio broadcasting in our continued scheme to take over the world.  Err… I mean, spread the important message about Thetans and all that shit.”

Experts suggest that it could be similar to the Christian Broadcasting Network run by Pat Robertson.  Only scarier.  “Imagine really good looking people talking for hours about unremitting bollocks, interspersed with the film Battlefield Earth, then you’ve pretty much got it,” said Rick Ross, cult expert.  “Hollywood’s the obvious place for them to be.  I mean, it is the home of entertainment.  Besides which, there are more blithering idiots per square mile there than anywhere else in the world.  But of course, by broadcasting such irredeemable balls they can reach all the other blithering idiots everywhere.  It’s terrifying.

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June 12, 2012

Gay marriage “certain to bring about medieval disasters” warns Church of England

by philapilus
Portrait of King Henry VIII (1491-1547)

“The fear is that he might come back to life and start killing people if we let the gays get away with it”

The Church of England has today made a formal statement reacting to the coalition government’s proposal for same-sex marriage, in an extensive legal and philosophical document entitled “The End is Nigh”.

Archbishop the Right Reverend Will E Spitrost said “What this government has failed to appreciate, in its attempt to sideline canon law, and impose the amoralistic ideological dictates of civil legislation onto the church, is that this is definitely going to be worse than when Henry VIII went crazy and began butchering monks.

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March 18, 2012

Job Opportunities/Archbishoprics: Canterbury

by philapilus
Brian made this picture while Rowan Williams, ...

thoroughly nice but fundamentally ineffectual chaps wanted!

Are you stuck in a rut? Looking for a change of direction? Have you ever considered the church? No? Oh go on, you might like it!

The Church of England is delighted to offer this exciting managerial position, a fantastic opportunity to work with a broad spectrum of people who believe in brotherly love and unity, and violently disagreeing to the point of schism over unbelievably minor stuff.

Keep reading! Please? 

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