Posts tagged ‘Christmas’

December 23, 2014

Men to leave present wrapping till the last minute again

by philapilus

Seriously, again?

Men across the UK have insisted that they are on top of their Christmas preparations this year, and that some, if not all, of the gifts they bought from a garage forecourt might even get wrapped up.

They have added however that they can’t do it just yet, because there’s something good on BBC 3.

Tim Twanks, a man, said “Being a lazily-drawn male caricature, like every other

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December 31, 2013

Anus of the Annus, 2013

by philapilus

After a year in which we have been spoiled for choice with your selection of ‘Wankers of the Week’, ‘Masturbators of the Month’, and even ‘Fingerers of the Fortnight’, the votes are in, and we can proudly present the person that YOU the readers think was the most awful fuckwit of the

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December 23, 2013

Middle class Christmas dinners “not actually prepared by Heston personally”

by philapilus
English: Heston Blumenthal at Taste Of London ...

‘I’ve got piles of cash this high back at home’

Waitrose shoppers have expressed considerable disappointment this morning, on discovering that all the ridiculously expensive Heston Blumenthal Christmas foodstuffs they’ve purchased were not actually hand-made by the chef.

The news that Blumenthal merely created and lent his name to a range, which was then made by exactly the same people who make all the other stuff you normally buy, has enraged avid advert-appreciators, who thought Waitrose were offering dishes personally prepared by the chef at the Fat Duck.

“I’m furious,” said Mrs Tory Wright, mother of Crispin, Clarissa and Clarence, “I spent

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December 23, 2013

Disgruntled Christmas workers planning revenge

by philapilus

 

Hypodermic syringe

“What is that terrible smell?”

People who for whatever reason do not have today off work, have expressed a profound desire to exact revenge on absent, holidaying colleagues.

Wendy Nailinthehead, office grunt for Peterborough council, said “At the Christmas party my boss told us ‘someone’ had to come in Monday. Someone turned out to be me. Every other bastard is off.

“The only thing getting me through the day is stealing personal items and petty cash from everyone’s desks. So far I have £4.71, and a bunch of shitty little toys, which I

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December 20, 2013

Santa Claus ‘replaced by drone’

by philapilus
Book illustration, pen drawing

He gets wood, then goes visiting children with his rod in his hand. What the hell is sinister about that?

A few weeks after Amazon revealed its plans to introduce delivery drones in the near future, Santa Claus has today announced that he will also cease personal deliveries – possibly as early as this Christmas.

Speaking after a photoshoot in which Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart were pictured sitting on his knees, Father Christmas said “To be quite honest with you I think this may be my last appearance.

“I am just so sick and tired of constantly getting accused of being a raging paedo. Nowadays I can’t even let someone sit on my

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December 10, 2013

MPs ‘brilliant again’ says everyone

by philapilus
English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

‘This is my caring face’

After several years of residing in the metaphorical doghouse (largely for buying solid gold actual doghouses), MPs were today welcomed back into the bosom of the British public.

Yesterday’s confirmation of the 11%  payrise MPs are receiving as part of the government’s austerity measures, coincided with an afternoon’s Parliament of talking at length about how great Nelson Mandela was – reminding voters of the bloody good job their

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December 6, 2013

John Lewis continues manhunt for bauble-breaker

by philapilus
Punisher

John Lewis has hired Frank Castle, on a ‘bring her in or take her out’ contract

A spokesperson for John Lewis has announced that the corporation “will not rest”, until it finds the little girl who wrote a letter apologising for breaking a Christmas bauble.

The letter, which has been called “extremely sweet” by police graphologists, contained a heartfelt apology, and had two £1 coins selotaped to it, to recompense the store for the damage.

The retail giant alerted the media, published the letter, and indicated their intent to find the 5 year old – it was presumed, in order to thank her.

But spokesperson, Percy Spoke said

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November 11, 2013

John Lewis forced to admit it came up with bear and hare advert all by itself

by philapilus
Ursus arctos middendorffi /kodiak bear/ Kodiakbär

Go on, just try patting him on the head and saying ‘Happy Christmas’…

After accusations of plagiarism were roundly dismissed, John Lewis was forced to accept responsibility for the appallingly twee, sentimental dross it is using to try and convince people to give them money this Christmas.

The retailer had attempted to dissociate itself from the advert, by planting rumours that it was a rip-off of

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November 11, 2013

Annual ‘Christmas is too early’ complainants begin complaints too early this year

by philapilus
English: King's College, Cambridge, UK, under ...

The Prodge recorded many of their most famous songs here, including “Punch women in the face” “I’m the Arsonist” and “melody with four notes repeated forever over an uninventive drum-track”

People who complain yearly about how early Christmas adverts and products begin to appear, got annoyed even more prematurely than in previous years, according to an official study.

In July this year, as various stores prepared for their incredibly long pre-Christmas marketing campaigns, which were due to start in August, a rumour that they had in fact already begun was spread amongst those gleefully caustic sods who can’t wait to start complaining about it.

In July unemployed miserable bastard Tim Twanks tweeted “Can’t believe it, commercialisation of Christmas started more early than ever, apparently shops are ALREADY playing

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December 20, 2012

21/12/12 apocalypse to be caused by Christmas lights

by philapilus
English: Christmas lights in Haughton, Staffor...

Sort of like the Sistine chapel

A study published this morning warns that the Mayan prediction of the ending of the world this Friday has been verified by scientific evidence, and will in fact be a direct result of Christmas decorative lighting.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Roundabout Institute for Apocalypse and Taxidermy Studies, said “What people don’t seem to realise is that the proliferation of absolute aesthetic horror that is the draping of houses with gaudy flashing lights, will in a matter of hours bring about the end of days.

“You know your neighbour, with the garden full of neon reindeer, a 12 foot glowing santa on her roof, and multi-coloured lights surrounding every window and flashing 24 hours a day for six weeks? Well thanks to her, you are utterly fucked, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can

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