Posts tagged ‘Christianity’

June 14, 2016

Homophobia fine, says world

by philapilus

This is a symbol of god’s everlasting love for, and necessary genocide of, the human race. NOT a symbol for bum-banditry.

Everyone has reached a consensus that homophobia is basically fine, in the wake of America’s most deadly shooting in Orlando at the weekend.

After 49 people were massacred in a gay nightclub by Omar Mateen, the world’s media agreed that Islamic, jihadi, terrorist, and radicalism were the only terms necessary for understanding the murders, and that baseline homophobia – prevalent in mainstream religions and in society more widely – wasn’t really worth mentioning.

Media analyst Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “What we

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November 11, 2013

Annual ‘Christmas is too early’ complainants begin complaints too early this year

by philapilus
English: King's College, Cambridge, UK, under ...

The Prodge recorded many of their most famous songs here, including “Punch women in the face” “I’m the Arsonist” and “melody with four notes repeated forever over an uninventive drum-track”

People who complain yearly about how early Christmas adverts and products begin to appear, got annoyed even more prematurely than in previous years, according to an official study.

In July this year, as various stores prepared for their incredibly long pre-Christmas marketing campaigns, which were due to start in August, a rumour that they had in fact already begun was spread amongst those gleefully caustic sods who can’t wait to start complaining about it.

In July unemployed miserable bastard Tim Twanks tweeted “Can’t believe it, commercialisation of Christmas started more early than ever, apparently shops are ALREADY playing

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June 12, 2013

C of E row over ‘breakdancing Jesus’s’ views on gay marriage

by philapilus
Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...

Just imagine how useful that halo could be for headspinning

The Anglican communion has once again come to the verge of schism, after the unveiling of a mural in Bristol depicting a breakdancing Jesus.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, said “This painting of Christ, doing that sort of ‘handstand-on-one-hand’ thing breakdancers do, is on the one hand (pardon the pun) a wonderful celebration of cultural and religious diversity.

“But, unfortunately, it has of course also raised the deeply controversial question of how a breakdancing Jesus might feel about the issue of gay marriage. Would a toprocking saviour feel that bumsex or muffdiving was something to be celebrated in sanctified matrimony? I think not.”

Liberal Christians, however, contend that

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September 19, 2012

Millions of Christians to kill one another over “Jesus’ wife” papyrus

by philapilus
English: Icon of Jesus Christ

She probably divorced him after catching him wearing her dresses

A papyrus fragment dating from the 4th century indicates that Jesus had a wife, according to new research unveiled this week by Professor Hamish McEyebrau of Slough Multistorey Carpark University.

Professor McEyebrau translated the very small bit of text on the fragment of fabric, which shows that some people living three centuries or more after Christ died reckoned he might have been married.

Unfortunately, as with even the most miniscule artefacts relating to religion, the papyrus has led to instant schism and is now believed likely to cause the next round of global conflict.

“The insight this papyrus could have given into what people in the 4th century discussed and believed and thought about could have been fascinating,” sighed McEyebrau, “But much to my surprise the religious communities around the world seem to have decided to launch bitter tirades against one another.”

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August 20, 2012

Mob-enforced arrest of child in Pakistan entirely justified, says everyone

by philapilus
8-year-old boy with Down Syndrome

You can tell they are evil little heathens from their fucked-up faces. It’s just God’s way of telling you not to trust them.

Pakistani police confirmed that they have arrested an eleven-year old mentally disabled Christian child for desecrating the Koran, after pressure from an angry crowd threatening to burn down Christian homes.

The girl, believed to have Down’s syndrome, was carrying a waste bag with pages from the Koran in it, and reportedly did not understand police questions.

“But this is no excuse,” said Rights for Everyone is Wrong activist, Dick Splash, “this girl, had she been more mentally cognisant, and not one of those funny little mongs, would almost certainly have realised that what she was doing was committing the heinous and terrible crime of blasphemy, and for that she must pay.”

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