Posts tagged ‘Christ’

November 11, 2013

John Lewis forced to admit it came up with bear and hare advert all by itself

by philapilus
Ursus arctos middendorffi /kodiak bear/ Kodiakbär

Go on, just try patting him on the head and saying ‘Happy Christmas’…

After accusations of plagiarism were roundly dismissed, John Lewis was forced to accept responsibility for the appallingly twee, sentimental dross it is using to try and convince people to give them money this Christmas.

The retailer had attempted to dissociate itself from the advert, by planting rumours that it was a rip-off of

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June 12, 2013

C of E row over ‘breakdancing Jesus’s’ views on gay marriage

by philapilus
Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...

Just imagine how useful that halo could be for headspinning

The Anglican communion has once again come to the verge of schism, after the unveiling of a mural in Bristol depicting a breakdancing Jesus.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, said “This painting of Christ, doing that sort of ‘handstand-on-one-hand’ thing breakdancers do, is on the one hand (pardon the pun) a wonderful celebration of cultural and religious diversity.

“But, unfortunately, it has of course also raised the deeply controversial question of how a breakdancing Jesus might feel about the issue of gay marriage. Would a toprocking saviour feel that bumsex or muffdiving was something to be celebrated in sanctified matrimony? I think not.”

Liberal Christians, however, contend that

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September 19, 2012

Millions of Christians to kill one another over “Jesus’ wife” papyrus

by philapilus
English: Icon of Jesus Christ

She probably divorced him after catching him wearing her dresses

A papyrus fragment dating from the 4th century indicates that Jesus had a wife, according to new research unveiled this week by Professor Hamish McEyebrau of Slough Multistorey Carpark University.

Professor McEyebrau translated the very small bit of text on the fragment of fabric, which shows that some people living three centuries or more after Christ died reckoned he might have been married.

Unfortunately, as with even the most miniscule artefacts relating to religion, the papyrus has led to instant schism and is now believed likely to cause the next round of global conflict.

“The insight this papyrus could have given into what people in the 4th century discussed and believed and thought about could have been fascinating,” sighed McEyebrau, “But much to my surprise the religious communities around the world seem to have decided to launch bitter tirades against one another.”

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September 17, 2012

Country in shock at reports of theft in Manchester

by philapilus
English: Map of Manchester from 1801.

It would be incredibly unwise to point out that Manchester appears to have originated from the kind of massive vomit-splatter usually only found at bus-stops and outside all-night kebab shops

Post-Olympic spirit in the UK has plummeted from pride and nostalgia down to dumbfounded disbelief, as an unprecedented report suggests that quite a lot of people are taking things without paying for them – in Manchester of all places!

The city, famed throughout Britain for its culture, and its learned, mellifluous-voiced populace, has always been considered a bastion of crimeless civility.

But evidence shows that more music is pirated in Manchester than anywhere else in the country.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Council for Planning Permission and Musical Piracy Studies, said “It seems scarcely credible, but every hour Mancunians make more illegal downloads than the rest of the country does in a decade. To put that in context, the rate of theft is almost as high as the rate of headbuttings in Glasgow.”

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August 7, 2012

‘Mars isn’t all that’ says NASA

by philapilus
Mars Rover Curiosity, Right Side View

It doesn’t even go very fast; you can’t do wheelies or anything

Since the landing of NASA’s robot rover ‘Curiosity’ yesterday morning, initial elation and optimism has turned to disappointment and ennui, tinged with regret.

“It’s just a massive anti-climax really,” said Mission Organiser, James K Tirk, “We have spent years getting to this point, driven by the burning question: has life evolved elsewhere in our solar system?

“But we have invested so much effort, hope – not to mention an unbelievable amount of money – in this endeavour, that we all realised yesterday that unless we find something like an entire civilisation of chitinous super-insects, bent on destroying the Earth, it is going to be a massive let-down.”

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February 21, 2012

Shock as people paid to fight have a fight

by philapilus
English: Fight

this has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with violence

The Uk has once again managed to fill the headlines of its godawful newspapers with phrases like “British brutes brawl (a)broad” and “Brit bruiser-boys behave badly” or even “Boxing brats’ break-out battle; backhanded blows beggar belief — both banned by boxing board berhaps?”

Mild-mannered David Haye, and the perfectly gentlemanlike Dereck Chisora, inexplicably had some sort of disagreement at a Press Conference.

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