Posts tagged ‘Chris Grayling’

October 18, 2017

Grayling: The future is Brussels…sprouts

by philapilus

Turnip

Chris Grayling has expanded on comments he made at the weekend when he explained that if foreign food prices increase dramatically post-Brexit “everyone can just eat more British produce”.

Pictured holding a turnip, Grayling said today “If we walk away from Europe with a ‘No Deal’ situation it honestly won’t be a problem.

“If imported

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July 12, 2015

Gove overturns draconian legislation of previous government (whoever they were)

by philapilus

Don’t take the piss though

Michael Gove has cemented his reputation as a trailblazing social reformer, after reversing legislation restricting the number of books prisoners are allowed – a measure presumably put in place by an as yet unknown scheming malefactor.

The Justice Secretary said “This draconian law is precisely the sort of thing that the Conservative party has always been completely against. I literally cannot imagine what kind of government could have thought this was a good idea.

“Best if we don’t look into it though I reckon. It’s not important who introduced it or when. All that matters is

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October 31, 2014

Benefits stopped for those giving out free Halloween treats

by philapilus

 

A super-tax on pumpkins will fund extra police presence tonight, to keep the UK’s children cowed and under curfew.

The government has warned that any0ne on benefits caught giving out free sweets to trick-or-treaters tonight will face an immediate withdrawal of all state aid, and possible prosecution.

The Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said “This is not about punishing generosity, or interfering with fun traditions.

“But in order to maintain an honest and just society where hard work is rewarded, we will be stripping all benefit from those who give away valuable commodities whilst simultaneously demanding that the state support their

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October 21, 2014

93% of all internet trolling done by 2 people

by philapilus

Since they were arrested the internet has atrophied and entered a state of hibernation

Research by New Scotland Yard’s Internet Section has discovered that almost all online trolling and celebrity hacking is the work of just two people.

The research was carried out after Justice Secretary Chris Grayling announced new legislation to tackle those who use the internet as a means to offend, abuse others anonymously, or possibly just express opinions.

PC McGarry No 452 said “We have

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September 4, 2013

Government to build special prison to breed evil super-villains

by philapilus
Bane cosplayer

Brutal, evil, and without a trace of humanity, Chris Grayling has been Justice Secretary since August 2012

The Justice Secretary Chris Grayling has today unveiled plans to close some of the UK’s most overcrowded prisons, and throw all of the inmates into a huge, underground dungeon, of the kind featured in the film ‘The Dark Knight Rises’.

Grayling said this morning “Our prisons are expensive, overcrowded, and frankly they are really boring. I should know, I have to keep inspecting them and it is dull as fuck. Whereas the last Batman film had this awesome pit full of violent, fist-fighting men, and spawned Bane, who was absolutely super-cool.

“Seriously, did you see the bit where

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