Posts tagged ‘China’

August 8, 2016

China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and

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June 20, 2016

Chinese fisherman has ancient book “proving” China’s moon ownership

by philapilus

See; it’s red and everything

China’s claim to own the entirety of the moon has been vindicated according to the country’s national media by the discovery of a 600 year old book on the fishing island of Hainan.

The document, belonging to fisherman Jackie Chan, has been offered as definitive proof of lunar ownership, as it describes how the Chinese were the first people ever to look at the moon.

The South China Times reported that “We saw the moon first and we bagsied it then officially. You can’t undo

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September 25, 2015

Osborne praised for participating in Saudi Arabia execution

by philapilus

What an odious little shit

George Osborne has been praised by the Saudi Arabian government for “rolling up his shirtsleeves and joining in” with a public beheading.

An official Saudi statement said “After his refusal to criticise so-called ‘human rights offences’ in China, Mr Osborne was the obvious choice for a conflict-less visit, so we got him over.

“He was delightful, and as servile as

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July 1, 2014

UK must keep Trident for 1980s re-enactments, say experts

by philapilus

Like a big pretty flower

The Trident Commission has insisted that the UK needs to retain its nuclear capabilities, or face being unable to participate in historical re-enactments of nuclear-apocalypse paranoia.

In its report, the Commission stated “Imagine going to Warwick castle for a day out, and discovering that none of the pretend knights have swords. Or watching a joust where they have to throw blancmange at one another, because they aren’t allowed lances?

“That’s sort of what  it’ll be like if we get rid of Trident.”

The Commission insists that

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December 5, 2013

‘Spunky Cameron comes up with a pig idea’ says Sun

by philapilus
47th Munich Security Conference 2011: David Ca...

‘It’s my dream for Britain; to associate ourselves with millions of gallons of frozen pig semen’

The British press says David Cameron will receive a hero’s welcome on his return home from China, in honour of the historical deal he has brokered, to export pig spunk to the world’s second largest economy.

Cameron had predicted that his goodwill visit would promote business, international co-operation, and ‘help drum up trade with the Chinks’, but the announcement of a £45m deal on sperm surprised everyone.

“You have to hand it to Dave,” said a spokesperson for British trade, “He’s really come up with something. Let’s just hope he’s able to pull it off! Otherwise we’ll be in a sticky sit– I’m sorry, I’ll stop now.”

Rounding off his

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October 31, 2013

Dell laptops ‘not worth peeing on’ say cats

by philapilus

The feline community has expressed outrage over the suggestion that their urine smells similar to laptops made by manufacturer of very low grade computers, Dell.

Cat

‘Are you fucking kidding? Not if you paid me.’

Mr Mistoffelees, spokescat and conjuror for children’s parties, said “Those assholes who complained that their piece-of-shite laptops smelled of cat pee can go hang themselves.

“My urine is like a fine, dry Tesco’s own brand chardonnay, compared with the un-upgradable, cheap, laughable excuses for ‘computers’ that bunch of morons crap out.

“Honestly, they

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August 16, 2013

Edinburgh’s Tian Tian actually a dog

by philapilus
English: Dog breed Canadian Pointer black and ...

This penguin’s a bit suspicious as well

Following the embarrassing revelation that the ‘African lion’ at a Chinese zoo was in fact a Tibetan mastiff dog, keepers at Edinburgh zoo have discovered that their possibly-pregnant panda Tian Tian is also a disguised canine.

Like the mastiff, Tian Tian blew her cover when she barked at visitors. After she subsequently pissed on a lamp-post, mauled a post-man and then later ate her own vomit, zoologists gradually realised that she was definitely a dog.

The ‘panda’ handler Wendy Nailinthehead said “Our suspicions were slightly aroused when Tian Tian first arrived from China. They told us that you have to keep repainting the white bits, otherwise they wear out.

“But

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August 12, 2013

Up-themselves world leaders moonlight as up-themselves taxi-drivers

by philapilus
A typical London Taxi.

Apparently Maggie Thatcher took absolutely ages to get you to your destination, because she point-blank refused to make any turns.

After prime minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg, made the surprising admission on Sunday that he secretly drove a cab, many other world leaders have ‘come out’ and spoken about their double lives as taxi-drivers.

Stoltenberg said yesterday “I’ve spent years reading in the papers about what cabbies are up to, their various driving policies, and their heated debates over the best routes to take.

“I’ll be the first to admit I’m not exactly a qualified taxi-driver – I mean, I only run Norway – but I felt sure that I could do it just as well as them, and that if only more cabbies listened to the average, Joe Normal world leader like me, our taxis could be better run, more efficient, and also there wouldn’t be all these foreigners over here taking our jobs.”

The Norwegian PM also

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May 22, 2013

Declining British wildlife “not meeting government targets”

by philapilus

 

English: Red Squirrel One of the many red squi...

Britain’s wildlife is massively inefficient, according to a prominent conservative thinktank

The government has been forced to admit failings in its wildlife policy, after a State of Nature report suggested that 10% of British animal and plant life could disappear entirely in the near future.

Number 10 issued a statement this morning saying “The projected reduction of wildlife shows a significant failure to achieve government targets.

“Under austerity measures, the coalition pledged to bring down British wildlife by 17% in the course of this parliament, rising to 34% by 2017.

“But due to

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May 16, 2013

Mervyn King: “It’s all just about the Golden Handshake now”

by philapilus
The Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Lo...

“If you ever go down to the basement you’ll see there aren’t even any foundations. The whole building just sits on a cushion of hot air, like a hovercraft, or Cameron’s Cabinet”

Outgoing Governor of the Bank Of England, Sir Mervyn King, admitted this morning that talk of Britain’s economic recovery has been largely motivated by “the number of zeros I am going to get on the end of my cheque in June”.

King, one of the country’s most powerful figures, and whose every utterance affects the confidence of investors, said “The country’s economy is definitely growing. I know I said it was 0.5% yesterday, but it can be even higher if you like.

“Let’s call it 5% this year, rising to 9% next year. Haven’t I done well? In fact I think we’re

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