Posts tagged ‘cern’

April 30, 2016

Weasels in bid to stop humanity destroying universe

by philapilus
File:Mustela nivalis -British Wildlife Centre-4.jpg

Always on the alert

Weasels have sabotaged the Large Hadron Collider in Cern in a desperate attempt to stop scientists from ending all existence.

The news emerged after the discovery that one of the noble creatures bravely sacrificed himself chewing through some live wires.

Weasel Doug Shovel said “You humans are always meddling in things you don’t understand, but your fascination for

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February 14, 2013

Large Hadron Collider broken after series of pranks

by philapilus
Part of the LHC at CERN, an experimental endeavor

“Mostly we used it as a ferris wheel.” admitted one shame-faced post-doc lab assistant.

The Large Hadron Collider at Cern in Switzerland has  had to close for an extensive period of repairs and refurbishment, having been mucked about with for four years by mischievous scientists.

The £3.6 billion particle accelerator stopped working properly only weeks after being switched on in 2008, when two research students used it to test their best conkers, firing them around the collider at sub-light speed towards one another.

Initially scientists attempted to suppress the story with

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July 5, 2012

US Government in stupid and pointless statement shock

by unpseudable

A US government agency yesterday explicitly denied the existence of mermaids, mermen and all other humanoid-aquatic hybrids.

In response to a highly convincing promo for a Discovery Channel show, the National Ocean Service patiently posted a response: “No, mermaids don’t exist.  Nor do minotaurs, centaurs, satyrs, dryads, naiads, triads or Santa Claus.  Ok, to be fair we’re just guessing about the other stuff, but seriously, if anyone’s going to know about mermaids it’s us.  And we can tell you, there ain’t any, buddy.  Unless they’re just really good at hiding.  Or invisible.  Which, let’s face it, is unlikely.”

The Discovery Channel was quick to issue a response to the National Ocean Service’s response: “Oh, yes, so the National Ocean Service says there are no mermaids, but what do they know?  Have they got any proof?  No, of course not.  They probably haven’t even watched the promo.  It’s got a picture of a mermaid in it!  That proves they might exist, right?”

The National Ocean Service, bored with this altercation, attempted to end the correspondence with one further response: “No.”

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July 4, 2012

Radio 4 “on the verge of writing amusing joke about the Higgs boson”

by articulatedsheep

The scriptwriters of topical Radio 4 sketch shows are reportedly “working flat out” to prove that the existence of understandable jokes about particle physics are not only theoretically possible, but empirically observable.

The Higgs looks surprisingly like the art on the cover of an experimental rock LP from about 1975

“The Now Show”, leading the research, has previously only been able to demonstrate the existence of the elusive joke at the level of two-sigma – a standard of amusement typified by a polite laugh emanating from a “majority” of the studio audience.

Now, Radio 4 has announced that it has created a joke that approaches the critical level of five-sigma – the level at which someone sitting at home, listening to the joke on the radio which eating a bowl of rapidly-cooling soup, might stop briefly to chuckle unselfconsciously.

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