Posts tagged ‘Catholic Church’

July 12, 2017

Vatican: Glutenous bread “more fleshy”

by unpseudable
bread

An artist’s representation of Jesus

The Roman Catholic Church this week ruled that gluten-free bread can no longer be used in Mass.

In a letter to bishops, Cardinal Robert Sarah stated that gluten-free bread “just isn’t Jesusy enough, you know? The texture is all different – not like flesh at all, in my experience.”

Sarah (who is obviously a man – this is the Roman Catholic Church), went on to add, “I mean, what’s the point of a metaphor if people don’t stick to it rigidly?

“N-not that it’s a metaphor of course, oh no: Jesus was literally – literally, mind you – made of bread and wine.

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August 21, 2013

Birth of the Antichrist may be imminent

by philapilus
English: Satan as Antichrist

Strangely no one has ever really commented upon Cowell’s unusual means of transport to and from the TV studios

The Catholic Church warned this morning that there is a very real possibility that the Antichrist will soon be upon us.

Father Mario Carrta, of the Holy Church’s Committee for Debating the End of the World, said “The Holy Book tells us that in the End Times a beast will arise; noxious and perfidious beyond all imagination.

“And it will sire a son, who, through no fault of his own, will be the antithesis of all that is holy.

“It was thus with great horror and trepidation that the Committee discovered in the paper this morning that Simon Cowell will

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June 7, 2013

“Clean your fucking plates” says Pope

by unpseudable

Mmmm, tasty.

Pope Francis this week slammed the culture of waste in the West, likening the disposal of food to stealing from the poor.

“Throwing away food,” he said, “is like stealing from the table of those who are poor and hungry. You bastards, you utter, utter bastards. You all think it’s perfectly normal to chuck away a chicken, to dump a dumpling. But you’re wrong. You make me sick. But I’m going to hold it in – lest I waste my lovely ham sandwich lunch. Which would – obviously – be wrong.”

Religious commentator, Reg Illous, commented:

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March 5, 2013

Breaking news: Vatican inquiry into Cardinal Keith O’Brien makes preliminary statement

by philapilus
English: Broken glass

Reporting breaking news so fast we don’t even pause to call the glazier in

The members of the Vatican inquiry into the sexual misconduct of Cardinal Keith O’Brien met this morning, and in a brief document outlined the basis of their investigation.

“The Holy Catholic Church hereby convenes the inquiry into Cardinal Keith O’Brien, whose sinful sexual encounters have caused us great pain and shame.

“The Cardinal has grieviously harmed the church’s image with his flagrant disregard for precedent and his perverse choice of sexual partners who were not simply over the age of consent, but were actual adults.

“The Cardinal has not only

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February 17, 2013

“Missed again!” Pope taunts God

by philapilus
English: VATICAN. With Pope Benedict XVI. Русс...

“So we’re agreed? We’ll keep telling Him to fuck off, and let him take it out on your countrymen. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Pope Benedict XVI this morning used one of his last public appearances to lash out at God Almighty, Alpha and Omega, Creator of All that Is and Was and Shall Be, accusing Him of being “As past it as I am”.

The relationship between the LORD and his head representative on Earth has soured dramatically, since the pontiff announced last week his intention to quit his job to spend more time pursuing his new hobbies, or “Burying myself up to my eyebrows in jugs and drugs.” as he put it.

After a lightning strike on

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July 5, 2012

US Government in stupid and pointless statement shock

by unpseudable

A US government agency yesterday explicitly denied the existence of mermaids, mermen and all other humanoid-aquatic hybrids.

In response to a highly convincing promo for a Discovery Channel show, the National Ocean Service patiently posted a response: “No, mermaids don’t exist.  Nor do minotaurs, centaurs, satyrs, dryads, naiads, triads or Santa Claus.  Ok, to be fair we’re just guessing about the other stuff, but seriously, if anyone’s going to know about mermaids it’s us.  And we can tell you, there ain’t any, buddy.  Unless they’re just really good at hiding.  Or invisible.  Which, let’s face it, is unlikely.”

The Discovery Channel was quick to issue a response to the National Ocean Service’s response: “Oh, yes, so the National Ocean Service says there are no mermaids, but what do they know?  Have they got any proof?  No, of course not.  They probably haven’t even watched the promo.  It’s got a picture of a mermaid in it!  That proves they might exist, right?”

The National Ocean Service, bored with this altercation, attempted to end the correspondence with one further response: “No.”

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April 3, 2012

Catholic church disappointed in poor reception of “New Approach” on sexuality

by philapilus

 

Irish immigrants in San Francisco 1905

"Begorrah and bedad; we're looking for a t'ird fella for a t'reesome, if ye're interested?"

The Catholic Church in Ireland has issued a statement expressing sadness at the cold reception of a trial volte-face on sexuality.

A priest who used the opportunity of a parental meeting on children’s confessions to debate hardcore man-on-man action was said to be “disappointed” when stony-faced parents failed to appreciate the gesture. Or indeed the throbbing cocks.

During a powerpoint presentation about little children saying sorry for all their egregious and atrocious sins, Father Shane McCullough-Killkerhellerellen segued neatly into images of deep-throat dicking and anal torture, and said “How about dis sort of thing? Pretty good eh? T’umbs up? Sweet Jaesus, that’s a lot o’ spunk for shure!”

He smiled hopefully at the attendant parents and children, who waited some seven seconds before responding in true Irish fashion by chasing him from the room with pitchforks and shillelaghs.

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