Posts tagged ‘catherine duchess of cambridge’

November 1, 2013

“I was murdered by Simone Simmons” says Diana’s ghost

by philapilus
English: Princess Diana meeting with Sri Chinm...

The departed spirits of Princess Diana and Sri Chinmoy revealed this morning that they frequently had foursomes with Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson in a spaceship orbiting Pluto

Princess Diana’s ghost has lashed out at Simone Simmons today, after the Daily Star published an article in which her former ‘spiritual counsellor’ claimed to be carrying messages from the dead royal to the Duchess of Cambridge.

In an extraordinary revelation, the mother of Princes William and Harry, and would-have-been-grandmother to Prince George, said to TMB’s very own spiritual guru, Randy Bumfukowitz, “Tell everyone not to believe that lying little twat. It was none-other than Simone who orchestrated my death, through her links with the shady and secretive illuminati of the Royal British Legion.”

Diana, former daughter-in-law of the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh, then

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October 24, 2013

Royal Christening chaos

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Still missing

The private christening yesterday of Prince George was mildly overshadowed by ‘supernatural oddities’, according to eye witnesses.

A close relative of the couple said “It all started when Kate carried him in to the Royal Chapel at St James Palace. The walls began trembling, and the pews bounced across the floor, which hadn’t happened in the chapel since Prince Philip ate that dodgy curry in 1987.

“Then, just as the Duchess was about to

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July 22, 2013

Woman in labour to give birth

by philapilus
Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbili...

Experts say that this is very much the sort of thing we can expect.

A woman in the early stages of labour has travelled to St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington, where it is expected she will later give birth to an infant, which will almost certainly be either a boy or a girl.

The birth will consist of an actual human person coming out of the woman, although for reasons of comfort, biology, and aerodynamics, the person will be several sizes smaller than the woman from whom it comes.

It is expected that the infant will be given a name or names, and will gradually

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March 6, 2013

Kate: “I’ll take a teddy for my d…”

by philapilus
Royal Wedding of William & Kate 155

Face it; it’s not going to look out of place in this line-up. (And also, it can pull the chariot, as long as it isn’t actually on fire)

  Rife speculation over whether the Duchess of Cambridge was expecting a boy or a girl reached a fevered climax yesterday, after reports that she almost let slip what the baby’s sex was.

According to pretty much every newspaper and glossy mag out there, some random woman off the street claims she might have heard the princess nearly using the word ‘daughter’. Allegedly.

But this morning, to the stunned shock of the world’s media, a statement

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February 19, 2013

‘Fat-faced little troglodyte’: Duchess of Cambridge attacks Hilary Mantel

by philapilus
Mastif_angielski_pręgowany na krajowej wystawi...

Mantel may not be the most beautiful author, but many feel Princess Kate has overstepped the mark

Princess Kate has been at the centre of a row this week, after totally unprovoked comments about Hilary Mantel that she made in a speech recently.

The duchess, who does not know Mantel personally, said that the double Booker Prize-winning author had “A face like a wad of unshaped dough, with two holes poked in it for eyes. Her teeth are yellowed and uneven, and her hair is swept back off her wrinkled, overlarge forehead in what may be the most aesthetically offensive hairstyle since Mo Mowlam.

“Her sharp nose could be called beaky, if it wasn’t for the fact that this would risk causing grave offence to vultures, while the

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December 6, 2012

Queen told to fuck herself

by philapilus
Queen of United Kingdom (as well as Canada, Au...

Try not to automatically punch her in the kidneys and call her a vag-faced Aussie cockmaster

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was this morning repeatedly told to “Fuck off”, “Piss off” and generally “Go shag a corgi”, by everybody with whom she spoke on the telephone.

A source close to the ageing monarch let slip that the royal psychiatrist had been called to comfort her, after continual telephonic rebuffs and insults left her catatonic with shock.

In a rare move, Buckingham Palace issued a press statement about the Queen’s private conversations, explaining that “Since the hoax by two Australian radio presenters, who

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December 4, 2012

Duchess of Cambridge blessed with fruit of Prince William’s mighty loins

by philapilus
Prince William at a Polo match in Sandhurst, J...

What I wouldn’t give to be that horse, straddled and whipped by that noblest of men

by our royal correspondent, Wendy Nailinthehead

The whole country is once again unified in an outpouring of emotion, at the news that Princess Catherine is expecting a baby; an addition to that most superb of all families and bloodlines in these beautiful isles of ours.

I myself experienced an excitement verging on hysteria, most fitting given the etymological root of that word – hystera, the womb.

I was moved to focus on that royal womb, that surely most perfectly formed womb, in which the royal progeny will develop, and the

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December 4, 2012

Royal Baby: what the papers are saying

by philapilus

The Morning Babel brings you a round-up of headlines from the British press:

English: Reversed and cropped detail from File...

Is he planning to kill this one?

Royal baby will be “almost as good as Diana”

     — The Daily Express

 

Royal baby: the latest fashion tips for foetuses

     — ES magazine

 

Royal baby FAT!!!! Scans show the tiny foetus has NOT managed to keep as TRIM as its mother; could Kate be on a BOOZE and DRUGS binge??!?!?!

     — Heat Magazine

 

Shock report: Royal baby might be black

     — The Sunday Sport

 

Prince Philip ‘Planned to kill Royal Baby’

     — The Daily Mirror

 

Wills and Kate: are they really happy to be pregnant?

     — The Daily Mail

 

Princess’s baby bump makes bumper year for royals

     — The Sun

 

Royal baby will not pay corporation tax

     — The Independent

 

Royal baby destined for much better life than your children

     — The Guardian

October 31, 2012

Tips for Running the Country, by Pippa Middleton

by philapilus
Hot cross buns. Note: these are square buns fr...

Not just the princess’s sister: Pippa is also well known for her incredible buns

Hello everyone! Following the fab success of my party planner’s guide, ‘Celebrate’, I was approached again by Penguin, and offered another half million pounds to write another book. Isn’t that brilliant?!

After some meetings (which were lovely!), which we held in Claridge’s tearooms, we decided to do a book specially for all those brainiacs who keep us all so safe and happy with their brilliant ruling.

And I don’t mean just my sister! I’m talking about all those dear men  who make all those laws and stuff. I am sure they know what they are doing, but we could all do with a few tips from time to time couldn’t we, and half a million smackeroos sounds good to me, so what the hey, I’ve written a book just for them! Lovely!

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February 15, 2012

Presscuttings

by philapilus
Men boxer underwear

TMB’s news briefs:

Advance purchases of Barbie dolls cancelled by men:

It seems that huge advance sales of Mattel’s Duchess of Cambridge Barbie doll have been cancelled, after purchasers realised what was actually meant by ‘dolls aimed at the adult collectors market’.

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