Posts tagged ‘Cameron’

January 11, 2016

Corbyn ‘pretended his Twitter was hacked’ after drunken tweets

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn No More War crop.jpg

Feeling and looking rough as f*ck

Jeremy Corbyn has admitted this morning that he lied about his Twitter account being hacked, after making a series of unwise drunken tweets last night.

The leader of the opposition addressed a press conference in a pained whisper. Holding a cold flannel to his forehead and shutting his eyes tightly, he said “Look, I’m really sorry. Both for the inappropriate tweets and for lying, but please just leave me alone with

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October 4, 2015

2015 tory conference: Hunt mobbed by fans, Cameron praised for tax credit cuts

by philapilus

Beloved

The 2015 Conservative conference has already been judged a huge success, with witnesses describing an electric atmosphere at the Manchester venue.

Activists and party grandees cheered and cried out ‘Hosanna’ as David Cameron arrived riding his giant wild boar, Pickles, and strewing the ground before him with palm leaves.

After the prime minister dismounted he pissed in the face of a street urchin and announced that he would not be changing his mind on

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April 15, 2015

Cameron pledges Good Life DVDs for everyone

by philapilus

A Conservative favourite, the Good Life featured a rich couple, and the peasants next door who lived off roots from the garden.

David Cameron has promised that a Conservative government will ensure everyone in the UK receives a cheap knock-off copy of three Good Life episodes, in one of those cardboard sleeves like you get free in the Daily Mail.

The Prime Minister said “In these times of austerity we will of course stick to the long term economic plan, of encouraging you all to bend over and assume the position. But I want the Good Life for each and every one of you. On DVD, which is cheaper and more realistic than actually providing a genuinely reasonable existence.

“We’re not giving you all of them, obviously; that would be extravagant. But you can have, oh I don’t know, maybe three episodes? Maybe the first one, and the one where they’re fighting over the windbreaker. Oh, and the Christmas one, where they all get drunk, and Tom and Jerry try and seduce each others’ wives.

“Just like when

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September 11, 2014

Prime Minister arrives in Scotland with puppy and some kittens

by philapilus

The Scottish families visited by the politicians and their animal chums said “Wuv nae had such gud meeet since the Graet Glasgie rat plague o’ 2012.”

David Cameron, Ed Miliband, and poor little Nick Clegg, arrived in Scotland yesterday with a selection of small, cute animals, with which they hope to emotionally sway the country into staying within the UK.

The last ditch attempt by the two main party leaders and Cameron’s footstool, saw the three men travelling from town to town, holding up their little furry friends, and pleading with the Scots to “Have a heart.” Cameron, holding two

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June 30, 2014

Cameron: ‘Man who disagrees with me is worst possible thing for Europe’

by philapilus

 

Representing the UK like a BOSS

Representing the UK like a BOSS

David Cameron said today that the appointment of Jean-Claude Juncker “is the worst thing to hit Europe since Nazism, and may even be as bad as the Status Quo tour of 1988”.

The Prime Minister rang Juncker this afternoon to congratulate him, but immediately afterwards called a press conference in which he ranted for fifteen minutes about how the European Commission president-designate was “A gaylord, and wanker of the highest order”.

He went on to compare Juncker to the Black Death, Nazism, and

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December 5, 2013

‘Spunky Cameron comes up with a pig idea’ says Sun

by philapilus
47th Munich Security Conference 2011: David Ca...

‘It’s my dream for Britain; to associate ourselves with millions of gallons of frozen pig semen’

The British press says David Cameron will receive a hero’s welcome on his return home from China, in honour of the historical deal he has brokered, to export pig spunk to the world’s second largest economy.

Cameron had predicted that his goodwill visit would promote business, international co-operation, and ‘help drum up trade with the Chinks’, but the announcement of a £45m deal on sperm surprised everyone.

“You have to hand it to Dave,” said a spokesperson for British trade, “He’s really come up with something. Let’s just hope he’s able to pull it off! Otherwise we’ll be in a sticky sit– I’m sorry, I’ll stop now.”

Rounding off his

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October 29, 2013

“Exploitation by the Big 60, not the Big 6” promises Cameron

by philapilus
English: Ed Miliband, British politician and S...

Ed has said he will ‘Strangle the corporations with the big red hand of socialism’

With less than eighteen months to go until the next election, David Cameron yesterday took the fight to Ed Miliband on energy policy, as he unveiled his answer to Labour’s promised price freeze; “increase the number of total-bastard suppliers”.

‘Bunch of arseholes’

A government energy expert said that Cameron was “Drawing a new political line in the sand. A really good line, straight and true, on a nice big fresh bit of unmarked sand.

“Just down there, near where the tide’s coming in, see?”

After the six main suppliers of

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October 7, 2013

Cabinet reshuffle expected this week

by philapilus
English: More clowns at Clown School

The new line-up pose for a photo at No.10

Rumours of an anticipated cabinet reshuffle have heightened, after Chloe Smith and John Randall stepped down from their government posts on Sunday.

The two signed a joint letter of resignation, saying “Dave, you are a twat. We know you were going to axe us, so we’re off. Go fuck yourself with a splintery broom-handle.”

Although the Prime Minister has been relatively secretive about when the reshuffle will happen, a Westminster source says that the likely recipients of certain posts are “obvious really. It’s a no-brainer.” The expected changes include the following:

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October 2, 2013

Why Cameron’s cronies get the loaf, and the poor have crusts, by Polly Toynbee

by philapilus
David Cameron

‘I am guessing this uniformed man is the head of his fascist secret service, who go round supermarkets secretly re-pricing food until the poor can no longer afford it’

If ever we needed evidence that the Conservatives were out of touch, it came this week, when the Prime Minister admitted he didn’t know the price of a loaf of bread.

Unlike ordinary decent folk – like me – who do know the price (it’s 47p, and I didn’t just read that on the BBC website, I definitely already knew it), Cameron is living in Lala land.

Once again he seems to be inviting heavyweight, brilliant intellectuals – like me – to vent our spleens and make laboured, hamfisted, alliterative puns about how the crumbs and crusts the poor are living on are nothing compared to Cameron’s Cotswold Crunch.

In other words to make complete pretentious twats of ourselves.

Well, I’m not falling for it. I’m going to

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September 17, 2013

Samantha Cameron having affair with Manu Tuilagi

by philapilus

 

Winston Churchill in Downing Street giving his...

By 1945 Winston had had nearly every housewife in London. His fingers were so sore from making the cuckold sign that he resorted to using this one instead.

It emerged this morning that the prime minister’s wife has been having an affair with young rugby player, Manu Tuilagi.

The British and Irish Lions star visited Downing Street with his team-mates yesterday, for a function celebrating victory over Australia. During the official photo shoot, Tuilagi was caught on camera sticking fingers up behind David Cameron’s head.

A No 10 spokesman said “Initially we thought he was simply performing the schoolboyish ‘bunny ears prank’, which would have been quite high-level comedy for a rugby player.

“But forensic

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