Posts tagged ‘budget’

November 26, 2015

Osborne fails to complete wall on live TV

by philapilus

Presumably the chancellor’s catchphrase about finishing the job doesn’t apply in any concrete way

George Osborne has been criticised after doing a very half-assed bit of bricklaying which was caught by BBC cameras.

Journalists had tracked down the chancellor on a building site, where he spoke about the Spending Review and the economy, whilst working on a wall.

But to the nation’s surprise, after making his statement the chancellor downed his trowel, took off his helmet and hi-vis jacket, and

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July 8, 2015

‘Grexit’ renamed ‘Greverlasting wrangle’

by philapilus

He might be a bit stubborn, but to be fair he was elected as the leader of Greece; you know, to lead Greece…

As talks over the Greek financial crisis enter their 17th year, the feared departure of Greece from the Euro has been renamed, to reflect the fact that most people now expect the debate to go on interminably.

The chief cause of the neverending dispute appears to lie in the worsening relationship between Greece and her German-led creditors.

Hans Onmycok, Advisor on Financial Wrangles to Angela Merkel, said “Greece needs to know that it is absolutely not OK to have a government that acts according to the democratic will of its people alone. It should be obvious to

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March 19, 2014

Proletariat to get drunk and play bingo after brilliant budget

by philapilus

Who says the Conservatives don’t understand modern Britain?

There was widespread praise today for George Osborne, after his egalitarian budget distributed tax breaks to the wealthy, and bestowed slightly cheaper beer and bingo on the unwashed masses.

Lumpenprole Wendy Nailinthehead said “Lor’ bless ‘im, the gennelman ‘as noticed us in our plight, and provided for us. ‘e’s a reg’lar saint. I can’t wait to go and spend me babby’s child allowance down the bingo ‘all.”

Big-fisted coal-miner and drinker, Alf Ardup, said “I don’t know much about economics. That’s for them as has school learning. But I am very thankful to them for the cheaper beer.

“Once a year I’ll be able to afford a whole extra pint, and on those nights the wife’ll get even more of a kicking when

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March 17, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Stefan Belle on the budget

by philapilus

Once again we bring you the daily cartoon syndicated from sister paper the Grauniad! Today satirist Stefan Belle has, with outstanding, impartial insight, cut right to the heart of the budget debate! No wonder they call him “one of the least irrelevant 18th century

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March 20, 2013

Chancellor’s budget surprise

by philapilus
English: A slice of Strawberry Cheesecake from...

The economy might be utterly screwed, but cheesecake is delicious

George Osborne surprised Whitehall this afternoon with what pundits are calling his most unusual budget speech yet.

The chancellor had been expected to outline a series of cuts for government departments, describe a gloomy economic forecast, and once again offer no hope whatsoever except that alcohol will continue to be just about affordable enough for Britons to drown their sorrows.

But, breaking with tradition, Osborne stepped up to the dispatch box and instead of laying out the budget documents, opened a Patisserie Valerie package, revealing a

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March 23, 2012

Budget: winners and losers

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that the big winners in the 2012 Budget will be corpulent plutocrats who frequently wear top hats and smoke huge cigars, while the big losers will be everybody else.

Detailed figures published by the Treasury this morning have set out a full breakdown of measures being put in place by the Chancellor to grind the poor further into the dirt. These include:

        A £2 billion subsidy for fine champagne for people mentioned in Burke’s Peerage;

–        Free membership of two West End clubs for all sons of the nobility;

–        A cash injection for Britain’s struggling silver-topped walking cane industry;

–        A national rollout of steel-soled boots with which the moneyed elite can stamp on the faces of homeless people while chortling heartily;

–        The reinstatement of the principle of jus prima noctis, which will now allow the directors of all FTSE 100 companies to sleep with any employee on their first day in the job;

–        The construction of a large fleet of entrepreneurial limousines, in which captains of industry will sit in comfort while being conveyed to a variety of agreeable City lunches, insulated from the slow breakdown of civilisation occurring around them.

Mr. Osborne said, “These important measures will help to get Britain moving again.”

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March 18, 2012

Osborne: “I am in touch with working people”

by articulatedsheep

Announcing that this week’s Budget will reflect the needs of the majority of Britain’s taxpayers, struggling to make ends meet, the Chancellor has pledged that fiscal and revenue policies being introduced in a imminent future will make a real difference to those staving off poverty.

Osborne: not in any way vampiric, we should stress

“I’m finely attuned to the needs of this country’s hard-pressed middle classes,” said Mr. Osborne, recoiling momentarily from a chink of sunlight penetrating through the stygian gloom of his inner sanctum in 11 Downing Street. “I have lost count of the number of people telling me that, because of the recession, they have had to sell one – or even two – of their Bentleys, or been forced to let go their fourth home in the Maldives.”

“Helping people like these to make their lives more comfortable is the reason I got into politics.”

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