Posts tagged ‘budget 2012’

March 23, 2012

Budget: winners and losers

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that the big winners in the 2012 Budget will be corpulent plutocrats who frequently wear top hats and smoke huge cigars, while the big losers will be everybody else.

Detailed figures published by the Treasury this morning have set out a full breakdown of measures being put in place by the Chancellor to grind the poor further into the dirt. These include:

        A £2 billion subsidy for fine champagne for people mentioned in Burke’s Peerage;

–        Free membership of two West End clubs for all sons of the nobility;

–        A cash injection for Britain’s struggling silver-topped walking cane industry;

–        A national rollout of steel-soled boots with which the moneyed elite can stamp on the faces of homeless people while chortling heartily;

–        The reinstatement of the principle of jus prima noctis, which will now allow the directors of all FTSE 100 companies to sleep with any employee on their first day in the job;

–        The construction of a large fleet of entrepreneurial limousines, in which captains of industry will sit in comfort while being conveyed to a variety of agreeable City lunches, insulated from the slow breakdown of civilisation occurring around them.

Mr. Osborne said, “These important measures will help to get Britain moving again.”

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March 18, 2012

Osborne: “I am in touch with working people”

by articulatedsheep

Announcing that this week’s Budget will reflect the needs of the majority of Britain’s taxpayers, struggling to make ends meet, the Chancellor has pledged that fiscal and revenue policies being introduced in a imminent future will make a real difference to those staving off poverty.

Osborne: not in any way vampiric, we should stress

“I’m finely attuned to the needs of this country’s hard-pressed middle classes,” said Mr. Osborne, recoiling momentarily from a chink of sunlight penetrating through the stygian gloom of his inner sanctum in 11 Downing Street. “I have lost count of the number of people telling me that, because of the recession, they have had to sell one – or even two – of their Bentleys, or been forced to let go their fourth home in the Maldives.”

“Helping people like these to make their lives more comfortable is the reason I got into politics.”

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