Posts tagged ‘Britain’

November 5, 2013

Russell Brand to set himself alight on bonfire in Guy Fawkes tribute

by philapilus
Lewes Bonfire, Guy Fawkes effigy

Tracey Emin has made an incredibly lifelike sculpture of Brand in honour of his sacrifice, which is called ‘I want to have your abortion, Russell’

Self-proclaimed revolutionary Russell Brand has offered to burn himself to death, in an open letter reply to Robert Webb’s open letter response to Brand’s interview with Jeremy Paxman, which was itself in response to Brand “having decided to go all political and stuff”.

After Webb chastised Brand for chastising Paxman for chastising Brand for telling young people not to bother voting, Brand chastised Webb in return for having had an education, and he went on to refute Webb’s allegation that revolutions inevitably lead to violence, death camps and the worst of human horrors.

“Yeah like, maybe in the past or whatevs, but now it’s like, a different era,” said Brand “and like I’m well political, and tryna get all like disenfranchised young people not to vote but to

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October 22, 2013

May’s ‘go home’ van-drivers told ‘to go home’

by philapilus
Prime Minister David Cameron is met by Theresa...

“You’re not going to tell me to go home too, are you?” trembled May this afternoon

Home Secretary Theresa May was today forced to admit that a government plan to have vans driving round Britain shouting at illegal immigrants to ‘Fuck off back home’ with loudhailers, was “possibly not the very best idea ever in the history of the Home Office”.

Speaking to the Commons, Mrs May said “All drivers involved in the ‘go home’ pilot scheme, have been told to scrape the ‘Go Home!’ stickers off the sides of their vans, and then go home.

“The civil servants instructing them to go home then came to my office, whereupon I in turn instructed them to go home.”

But Theresa May insisted that

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August 12, 2013

Spanish Armada makes routine visit to Britain

by philapilus
English: The Spanish Armada.

Definitely not an overreaction at all.

A huge fleet of Spanish warships commanded by the Duke of Medina Sidonia will make a routine visit to the UK as part of an “Ordinary training exercise”.

As tensions between Britain and Spain increase over Gibraltar, both countries have been careful to insist that the deployment of a massive, heavily armed naval force is a purely run of the mill occurrence.

Spain has accused Gibraltar of creating an artificial concrete reef to restrict Spanish fishing, and threatened increasing border controls. The UK responded by publically backing Gibraltar’s sovereignty.

David Cameron said “International relations

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July 22, 2013

Resurgent Britain to re-take ex-imperial domains

by philapilus
English: Market stall, High Cross Headgear and...

New research shows that if the world was a luxury shopping mall, Britain would be the market stall outside.

With the birth of the royal baby only hours away, victory in the Ashes, Murray’s Wimbledon win, and a Brit coming first in the Tour de France for the second year running, Britain has announced that once again it is the best country in the entire world.

Prime minister David Cameron said this morning “In consultation with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, I have decided that, basically, we are just brilliant again. Seriously, we effing rule.

“Because of this, Britain will be re-colonising all previously held lands around the globe, and the empire will be completely reinstated. Probably by about thursday teatime, because

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July 19, 2013

Men at barbecues “Worse than the SS”

by philapilus
Some chicken, pork and corn in the barbeque

‘Innocent meal, or an excuse to wave your cock at people?’

New research published in the Guardian, Britain’s leading paper for self-flagellants, suggests that men who cook at barbecues are on the verge of unleashing a new Shoah.

In an article published today, columnist Mike Ock explains how the grilling of meat turns men into rabid sexists and fascist rapist-murderers, because of something to do with their penises.

“Men who cook steaks over charcoal, are participating in an orgiastic indulgence of phallocentricity.” said Ock.

“Even the

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May 28, 2013

Round-up of your bank holiday weekend

by philapilus
English: A television remote control.

You PROMISED yourself you were going to hide it this time…

Britain admitted this morning that it had done less than half of the things it had planned for the long bank holiday weekend, and that feelings of guilt, sloth and failure had made the always-unpleasant return to work worse than usual.

Unemployed bank holiday commenter, Tim Twanks, commented “Unfortunately I have once again thrown away a golden opportunity to really actually do some of the stuff that I am always saying I will do as soon as I get the chance.

“Instead I

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May 16, 2013

Mervyn King: “It’s all just about the Golden Handshake now”

by philapilus
The Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Lo...

“If you ever go down to the basement you’ll see there aren’t even any foundations. The whole building just sits on a cushion of hot air, like a hovercraft, or Cameron’s Cabinet”

Outgoing Governor of the Bank Of England, Sir Mervyn King, admitted this morning that talk of Britain’s economic recovery has been largely motivated by “the number of zeros I am going to get on the end of my cheque in June”.

King, one of the country’s most powerful figures, and whose every utterance affects the confidence of investors, said “The country’s economy is definitely growing. I know I said it was 0.5% yesterday, but it can be even higher if you like.

“Let’s call it 5% this year, rising to 9% next year. Haven’t I done well? In fact I think we’re

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May 15, 2013

“Everyone should be put down, apart from farmers and me” says Cornwall councillor

by philapilus
English: A two-headed calf, Museum of Lausanne...

“It’s disabled children like this one who really piss me off; they’re such a waste of taxpayer’s money”

Colin Brewer, the councillor who caused controversy this year with his comments about the virtue of killing disabled babies, is once again at the centre of a public row.

Brewer, who had been forced to resign but somehow won his seat back in this month’s elections, said this week “The problems of this country are all about limited finances and overpopulation.

“The only way to fix broken Britain compassionately is to smash every single newborn infant’s skull against a wall until the brains ooze out of its ears, and then chuck the body on a giant bonfire.”

He added “Unless

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May 2, 2013

Severe Weather Warning: Nigel Farage

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at Lord's cricket ground...

God help us all

The Met office has released a nation-wide alert today, as it emerged that Britain is facing severe amounts of Nigel Farage.

As polls opened this morning for county council elections across England, news channels warned that high levels of Nigel Farage are to be expected, which could affect voting.

Schools and businesses will remain open, but the Met Office forecasts that “Britain will be inundated with Nigel Farage by midday, with Farage continuing well into

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April 23, 2013

George Osborne’s Diary

by philapilus
George Osborne 0437bm

If I hold this in front of me, no one will see the stain

April 23rd

Got up this morning urgently needing a tinkle. Barely made it to the loo in time. Bed was dry today though, so that was a good start. Washed hands thoroughly.

What a week it’s been! Dear Margaret’s funeral of course, what a sad day for Britain and the world. Bit of a problem though, desperately needed a wee halfway through. Of course, you can’t get out when you’re in the middle of a pew!  

Had to sit there squeezing the

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