Posts tagged ‘Brian Sewell’

September 21, 2015

Brian Sewell’s review: Heaven

by philapilus

what a dreadful garish display

Perhaps the quality one would expect most from the audaciously named ‘Heaven’ is an unalloyed and transcendent beauty; a perfection that might deserve such a superlative. Oh dear.

I have often been given cause to marvel at the magnificence that can be wrought in precious materials by the finest of craftsmen, but the so-called ‘Pearly Gates’ struck me as a drab affair, with none of the power of Rodin’s portals, nor even the

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December 15, 2014

Sewell on Theatre: 2B’s Nativity Play

by philapilus

One was hardly put in mind of Piero Della Francesca

Review by Brian Sewell

Depressingly, this year’s offering to the dramatic muses Thalia and Melpomene once again took place in the School Hall – that most unimpressive and drab of venues. But one cannot blame the actors for that.

What one can – and does – blame the actors for, however, is the appalling quality of the performance. After last year’s debacle one hoped that the budding thespians would put some effort into their art.

But alas, the same ill-prepared cast recited lines in a manner that could only be evidence of severe mental retardation, under the

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July 24, 2013

Royal baby’s name – speculation

by philapilus
Prince Harry helps promote Britain at New York...

“Yah, my money’s on ‘William Junior’; Kate’s always been in need of a little extra Willy…*SNORT SNORT*”

As the entire world ponders over what William and Kate are going to name their baby – and in the absence of any actual information – we’re spinelessly copying every other mighty news organ, and bringing you some of the meaningless speculations of people you’ve heard of. And pretending that it’s

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October 7, 2012

Arts Round-up with Sian Brewell

by philapilus
English: David Beckham Nederlands: David Beckham

“That titan Praxiteles himself would weep at the challenge of crafting his likeness”

As I sipped a fine 1963 Fonseca port last night, I had cause to meditate upon the execrable decline of civilization in that most important of all its manifestations, the visual arts.

None but the most plebocratic of philistines, or mediocre slouches who were happy to achieve a 2:1, can possibly deny that the drearily exhaustive lists of scientific successes through the ages are nothing compared to that existential jouissance one experiences when standing before a great masterpiece of art.

One feels impelled to fall to one’s knees and to remain in supplication, willing and ready to be entered by the gloriously satisfying and engorged organ of the power of art, one is left helplessly moaning, as its thrusting, pulsating delivery of aesthetic fulfillment motivates one to cry out with delight.

So it was very much with a lust for that highest of artistic penetrations in mind that I considered what is available to the discerning viewer today.

Beginning with Bronze at the Royal Academy, I knew as soon as I went through the door that no matter what was in the galleries before me, nothing could compare with a memory of David Beckham’s sensually masculine chest, glimpsed upon a poster on the bus.

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May 11, 2012

Wanker of the Week: Brian Sewell

by philapilus

Nominated by: A A Milne

Nominated for: Brian is, in many ways, a brilliant thing. He is hugely entertaining, very arrogant, impossibly pompous, and hates everything unless it has quivering male buttocks. He is like an incredibly well-educated philistine. A bit like Owl, in my stories. Which is a good thing.


He pronounces ‘wank’ as ‘wornk’.

What a wornker.

April 18, 2012

Irate protests at swingeing cuts convince people that cuts might be pretty good after all

by philapilus

"So hard to care" said almost everyone

As stringent budgetary constraints across Europe result in more and more cuts to the cultural sector, one particularly unusual protest has managed to backfire spectacularly.
Antonio Manfredi, Director of the Casoria Contemporary Art Museum in Naples introduced a highly thought-out “aim for our own feet” strategy, when he began  burning contemporary artworks.
The campaign is supposed to draw attention to the fact that there will be less art around if funding continues to dry up, or indeed if curators and museum directors start setting fire to it.

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March 2, 2012

School music “fucking amateur” says Ofsted

by philapilus
English: The first page of the score of Dvořák...

Fewer than 5% of Year 7 pupils could explain how they would go about conducting this

An extensive Ofsted investigation, undertaken across a range of 180 schools over a three year period, has presented its findings in a report claiming that children are, on the whole, quite shit at playing instruments.

The report discovered that girls are more likely to engage in musical activities than boys – but that as they are all equally awful, it makes little difference.

Sean Rafferty, BBC In Tune presenter and guest co-ordinator of the Report, said “I find it simply ghastly that young people have such poor standards of musical ability. The best under-seven violinist we heard could only make a sound like a mental patient having a rusty saw raked over his exposed spinal cord.

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