Posts tagged ‘brian paddick’

April 30, 2012

London elections: your vote, your choice

by articulatedsheep

This Thursday will see the fourth set of elections for a London Mayor. Because everyone and everything in the world that is important either is in, or relates to, London, we are going to ignore the fact that 109 councils in the rest of England are also having elections (along with the Welsh Assembly) to provide you with a quick and easy guide to decide who to cast your ballot for on Thursday, on the assumption that you live in the capital.

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April 20, 2012

Sugar lifts Livingstone campaign

by unpseudable

If that's not the face of someone having a really serious shit, I don't know what is

As the London Mayoral election race hots up to temperatures just in excess of zero degrees Kelvin, Lord Sugar is seeking to help guide floating voters.

Reality TV star, Alan Sugar, has urged people not to vote for Ken Livingstone in the upcoming election – an action described as “a boon” by the election team behind Livingstone himself.

“Thank the Lord!  Quite literally,” says Ken’s publicity Guru, Gary Uru. “I mean things were looking pretty shitty there for a while, what with Ken’s unerring shittiness and all, but this has really given the campaign the boost it needed.  I mean, who do you trust less: Sugar or Livingstone?  Eh? Eh?  Or Johnson, for that matter?  See, it really evens out the odds.”

Boris Johnson is reported to be “upset” at this recent turn of events.  Sources suggest that he has approached the likes of Simon Cowell and someone else of whom TMB researchers simply can’t be arsed to find out the name, to ask them to publicly write off the posh tosser, hoping to tip the balance back in his favour.

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April 13, 2012

Mayoral election campaigns to show as little taste as is humanly possible

by philapilus
Beagle puppy

Ken's next video will show him beaming whilst this puppy licks his face in slow motion, with Karen Carpenter singing 'we've only just begun...'

Following Ken Livingstone’s incredibly sincere and emotionally raw breakdown into what the tabloids are calling “epic diluvian weeping”, at a screening of his own campaign video, other mayoral candidates have risen to the challenge of making their campaigns as nauseating as possible.

Ken’s tears were described by Ed Balls – whose name is actually seriously ‘Balls’ – as “Proof that beneath that fiercely intellectual crust, that veneer of charm and near-superhuman brilliance – politically and existentially – lies a beating heart of deep and rare compassion. Ken’s physical beauty is matched only by the profoundly  sumptuous integrity of his empathy.

“Look at this clip of him crying like a baby as crowds wave banners showing him hugging a kitten. See?”

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February 22, 2012

Livingstone in “bridge to the moon” promise

by articulatedsheep

The race for London mayor is hotting up, as Ken Livingstone has announced

A pint for the person who gets this joke

his transport priorities for the next four years.

If elected as Mayor, Mr. Livingstone has pledged to step up investment in London’s transport infrastructure by:

–        Making the Underground, and London buses, free to use on a permanent basis;

–        Building eighteen new Tube lines, including direct connections to the Paris Metro system and the New York Subway;

–        Building tram lines down every single street and pathway in Greater London.

“No longer will we see Londoners’ money being wasted on expensive vanity projects,” said Livingstone, apparently without any sense of irony. “I make these absolute pledges on which the capital can judge me in 2016. Remember that when I stood for re-elected in 2004 I gave a promise that I would reduce Tube fares? True to my word, I only put them up by 9%. I think that demonstrates that I am a man to be trusted.”

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