Posts tagged ‘Brexit’

April 19, 2017

Vote tory or I’ll end you, by Theresa May

by philapilus
File:Theresa May.jpg

Unlike Labour, I’m going to MEAN to do it when I ruin everything for everyone

As you will all have heard by now, I have called a snap election for next month.

I know you all thought I’d been saying for weeks there was no way I would do it, despite my slim majority, because it would cause national uncertainty. But you’re misremembering. Stop it.

The plain fact is that

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March 29, 2017

Brexit letter lost in post

by philapilus

On signing the letter Mrs May said “It’s all downhill from here! No, that doesn’t sound right, I mean; it’s all uphill from here! Er…hang on…is it just me or is there no way to make this sound good?”

The government has confirmed that the letter Theresa May wrote to Donald Tusk – invoking article 50 and triggering Brexit – has been lost in the post.

A number 10 spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Mrs May wrote the historic letter, historically signed it, and in a true history-making moment, historically put it in the letterbox.

“She wanted to

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February 21, 2017

Theresa May visits Lords with baseball bat

by philapilus
theresamay

Theresa ‘Negan’ May

Theresa May made the highly unusual move of sitting in the House of Lords yesterday to observe the debate over the Brexit bill.

According to one Lord, “The prime minister entered the room, cracked her knuckles and then ostentatiously unwrapped a long silk package containing a baseball bat.

“As the

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January 31, 2017

People who voted for stupid thing ‘not to blame if it was protest vote’

by philapilus

“All I said was ‘hey let’s just keep going’, but you should have ignored me; it’s not my fault I’m a moron”

People who have voted for something really fucking awful are not to blame when it happens provided the vote was only a protest vote, according to themselves.

Wendy Nailinthehead, who voted for an enraged baboon to usurp the office of President of the United States said “It’s not my fault that we now have a shrieking primate in charge of the country, waggling his turkey-neck and waving his tiny hands.

“I only voted for him in protest against the

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January 10, 2017

Pound plunges below ‘cheap sweet’ threshold

by philapilus
quid

The once mighty quid is now worth less than a third of a ‘foam shrimp’

Sterling has plummeted to new depths this week, and £1 will no longer be sufficient currency to exchange for a single cheap sweet from the pick’n’mix counter.

Sterling flatlined on Monday morning after Theresa May failed to quieten Brexit nerves in a Sky interview on Sunday.

May was visibly drunk, and at times verbally abusive to interviewer Sophy Ridge, but insisted through teary-eyed despair that

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November 23, 2016

Budget reveals surprising lack of cash

by philapilus

 

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We never really thought we’d actually miss him, but…

Philip Hammond’s first budget statement raised consternation today, after he was forced to admit that there didn’t seem to be a lot of money about.

The new chancellor addressed the House, saying “Mr Speaker, um, I’m not sure whether this will go down very well, but here goes anyway.

“Look, I really hope no one’s going to give me a ribbing over this, but it seems

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August 25, 2016

Farage and Trump to go on date

by philapilus

“Look I know you’re not happy about it, but he just…*gets* me, Melania, and that’s all there is to it.”

Nigel Farage and Donald Trump have agreed to go for a pint and maybe a dinner at Pizza Express, after hitting it off earlier in the week.

Farage spoke at a Trump rally, likening the glorious American future under Trump to the glorious British future post-Brexit, highlighting the glorious lack of ethnic minorities and money.

A Trump aide said “As Donald watched Nigel a light came into his eyes, and he began to gently

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June 29, 2016

UK doesn’t remember Turkey

by philapilus

Drawing a blank

The United Kingdom said this morning that it can’t quite remember Turkey, asking whether it was perhaps in South America.

After news broke that a city in Turkey had suffered a huge terrorist attack, with scores of people dead, Britain collectively mouthed the country’s name, whilst shaking its head in puzzlement.

Man on the street Geoff Shovel said “Turkey…Turk-ey…? Nope, nope not really ringing any bells. Are you

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June 28, 2016

Hodgson resigns from shadow cabinet

by philapilus

has had enough of Corbyn

Roy Hodgson has resigned from the shadow cabinet following the England football  team’s drubbing at the hands of a country with less people in it than Shropshire.

After England pulled out of Euro 2016 due to being comprehensively beaten, Hodgson said he “no longer had faith in Jeremy Corbyn, and I will no longer serve in

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June 27, 2016

Britain only allowed to vote for TV talent shows in future

by philapilus

You can vote for this, but NOTHING ELSE

Britain has been told that it should restrict itself to voting on completely pointless shit like Saturday night talent shows, and must now refrain from ever voting on anything that matters.

Experts stressed the importance of Britain never going near a ballot box again, after the country effectively voted in favour of jumping off a very tall cliff to see how much it hurt when you hit the ground.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of

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