Posts tagged ‘Boris Johnson’

July 1, 2016

“Now it’s just getting sad” say Tories

by philapilus
File:Loser sign croped.jpg

L is for Labour

The Conservative party said today that Labour was now so impotent that beating them wasn’t even fun anymore.

George Osborne said “We’ve done everything we can to lure them back into the fray. Cameron resigned, Gove stabbed Boris in the back, the Theresa May killbot has been unleashed, and today, just for

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May 18, 2016

Mortarboard scourge finally ended

by philapilus

You could have someone’s eye out with that

The perils of airborne mortarboards at graduation ceremonies have finally been curbed in Norwich, after the University of East Anglia bravely outlawed the throwing of these deadly caps.

Dean of the University Sir Richard Bucketface said “For too long have the students of this university and their proud parents been subjected to horrific wounds or worse during our graduation ceremony.

“Only last year there were fourteen deaths amongst recipients of the BA in Cheesewatching, one of our

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July 28, 2015

Breaking the law “fine if you don’t know you’re doing it” says Boris

by philapilus

He used the same excuse when he murdered those gypsies too

Bungling London mayor Boris Johnson has defended giving his wife a ‘backie’ on his bike, saying that “Breaking the law doesn’t count unless you are fully aware you are doing something illegal.”

After being filmed carrying his wife on the back of his bicycle, Boris was said to be angered that people were accusing him of breaking the law, telling reporters “Bloody ridiculous, how can you break a law if you don’t even know it’s a law?!

“You couldn’t break a, you know, a – a thing for flowers, thing with flowers in, vase, that’s it, vase! You couldn’t break one of those without knowing it was a…hang on. No that’s not the same, is it?

“But you

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March 24, 2015

Cameron: ‘I can’t afford to stay in low-paid job for 10 more years’

by philapilus

‘But…but…you *can’t* go! We’ll miss you so much!’ said no one

David Cameron shocked pundits yesterday by announcing he would definitely not be standing for a third term as Prime Minister.

In an interview with the BBC, the PM said “Britain is fixed now. There’s no inflation at all! The 150 people who have actually still got any money will be delighted! I really don’t need to stay around now that I have made everything brilliant.

“Also, if I’m honest I’ve done this shitty minimum-wage work for five years already, and I want to move onto the big league and earn some serious

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February 2, 2015

Boris wins Kim Sears from Murray

by philapilus
Boris Johnson shooting with Peshmerga forces in Northern Iraq.

Boris pledges to bring down Dave Cameron if it costs him his life.

The world of tennis (which is a bit like the normal world, only smaller, not actually a planet, and concerned exclusively with the somewhat pointless game of tennis), was in turmoil today, after Kim Sears left tennis superstar Andy Murray for not-even-a-tennis-player, London Mayor Boris Johnson.

Sears and Boris announced their new relationship via Twitter, with a message packed full of four-letter words, and forthright sexual swears – appropriate given that they found each other through a mutual love of profanity.

Boris, who caused an upset with the

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September 29, 2014

Boris lambastes “Tory nutters for joining Ukip nutters”

by philapilus

The very Reckless Mr Mark Stupid MP

In the run-up to his headline performance at this year’s Conservative Party conference, Boris Johnson has attacked Tory defectors for being “Nuts. But, er…not in, you know, the good way.”

The rockstar-politician and occasional Mayor of London said that traitors Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless “Should be, well, should probably

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August 26, 2014

Boris calls for small change in law to let him become Emperor

by philapilus

Behold! The God-king descends majestically from the sky!

After calling this morning for legal reforms to do away with “All that rotten guff about fair trial and habeas corpus“, Boris Johnson has now suggested yet more “minute changes to the law, that will allow me to, you know, sort of rule you all as an Emperor/God-incarnate type of chap.”

Boris said this lunchtime that he would like to see “Some really very, very minor alterations in British Sovereign law, that just kind of ‘bump up’ my role a bit.

“Kind of elevating the

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August 7, 2014

Boris to eat dinner

by philapilus

The dinner revelations have not helped anyone solve the impossible conundrum over whether or not BoJo will return to the mainstream of British politics or make a leadership challenge

The UK’s media buzzed with unprecedented excitement this morning, after months of speculation finally ended with the confirmation that Boris Johnson will eat some food later.

Although it had long been said that Boris would very obviously eat dinner tonight, the coy Mayor of London had avoided giving away any clues one way or the other, leading to a storm of gossip and rumour.

Political analyst Mike Ock said “Of course, we did expect Mr Johnson would do this very unsurprising thing, and, by the same token, we imagined that

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March 11, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Bob Crow’s passing

by philapilus

Once again the Guardian’s Stefan Belle turns the acerbic blowtorch of his scintillating wit onto the news of the day. Here Belle mourns the passing of a titan, and the inevitable mean-spiritedness of those awful Tories!

This cartoon is

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March 4, 2014

“Some of our best friends wear bin bags!” protest Tories

by philapilus

“If they’re allowed to dress like bloody bin liners, why can’t we bloody well point that out?” said senior Tories, who really shouldn’t be allowed out unsupervised.

A Conservative spokesman has expressed outrage that the party was forced to expel a councillor “simply because he compared children in burkas to bin-bags.”

Sir Arthur Theremin said it was “Political correctness gone even madder than normal mad” after councillor Chris Joannides was given a 12 month expulsion, for making the derisory comments on an image he had posted on Facebook.

Theremin said “If we can’t make a perfectly rational observation, that darkie children in burkas look like rather full bin bags – which, by the way, anyone with eyes in their head could

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