Posts tagged ‘Birmingham’

June 4, 2013

Wetherspoon’s recruited in government cost-cutting drive

by philapilus
Result of a serious automobile accident

“Don’t drink and drive this Christmas; do it the rest of the year as well”

Pub chain JD Wetherspoon announced yesterday that it has been invited by the government to take part in a new pilot scheme, which could cut public expenditure and create jobs.

By allowing the firm to open a pub on the M40, the government hopes to at least triple the number of fatal accidents involving people from Birmingham.

Work and pensions minister Iain Duncan Smith said

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October 11, 2012

Boris Johnson is 2012 Nobel Laureate

by philapilus
English: Mayor of London, Boris Johnson poses ...

The parasitic symbiote enveloping his head tells Boris what to do

The world’s most prestigious literary achievement, the Nobel Prize for Literature, has seen its fair share of surprise winners, but in a move that critics are calling “long overdue”, the 2012 laureate is none other than the Mayor of London.

The accolade, which has been awarded in the past to such varied luminaries as Gunther Grass, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Winston Churchill, was expected to go to Haruki Murakami whose exquisite meditations upon life have made him a household name, at least in households which own his books.

Boris Johnson was not even considered to be a contender, and his writing has not often been taken seriously. Which is also true of his speaking, his presenting, and pretty much any instance in which he is ever considered in any way at all whatsoever.

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January 10, 2012

Birmingham to be Evacuated

by philapilus
English: Trains to Stansted and Birmingham The...

The emergency project to create a high speed rail-line between Birmingham and London has been green-lit by the government today, despite strenuous opposition from several quarters.

The plan for ‘High Speed Two’ was pushed through by Justine Greening and Theresa May, (Transport and Home Secretaries respectively), after the two realised quite how many people desperately want to escape Birmingham. The city was famously once turned down by Satan as a potential location to expand his Hell franchise for being “Too unbelievably horrific”. Even Holiday Inn thought twice before eventually opening up there.

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