Posts tagged ‘benefits’

February 28, 2014

Coma patients to be used as energy source

by philapilus

It’s tempting to make a laboured DWP pun, like ‘the Department of Witless Penny-pinchers’. But it’s much easier to just say: Duncan Smith; Wanker & Prick

After a government attempt to ask coma patients to find work backfired, the Department for Work and Pensions has unveiled a new plan for increasing the productivity of the selfishly indolent sick.

The DWP had tried sending letters to coma patients, “aggressively encouraging them to stop being lazy, get up and do some bloody work”, only to realise that people in comas don’t generally read.

Iain Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “These layabouts didn’t even read the letters. Unbelievable! But we think we’ve

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February 5, 2014

Big Benefits Row voted best television programme of 2014

by philapilus

‘Phwooaarr!’ as John Major used to say. Not just a hottie, but she knows what she’s talking about, too.

Channel 5’s Big Benefits Row, and its presenter, Matthew Wright, have been given special one-off ¬†awards by BAFTA, in recognition of the enormous and profound impact on the issue of welfare reform that the programme achieved.

A statement from BAFTA said that “Matthew Wright presided over a calm, measured, and insightful debate, which he masterfully arbitrated.

“The titular ‘row’ was more of an exercise in Socratic method, with Wright helping an audience of extremely well-qualified celebrities to reach such important and unarguably correct conclusions, that Iain Duncan Smith himself has

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January 4, 2013

Labour: “We pledge Ferraris for everyone (unless we win)”

by philapilus
Rare Casio fx-77 Solar Powered Scientific Calc...

It pretty much comes down to who has the best one of these

Labour has this morning revealed that if it were currently in power all of the long term-unemployed would be given temporary jobs , those in work would each get a Ferrari, barmaids would be 32% more attractive, and old people would remember more than they used to, and be slightly less annoying, talkative and urine-scented.

Ahead of next Tuesday’s debate on whether benefits should rise in accordance with inflation, shadow work and pensions secretary, Liam Byrne said “We have this really good scientific calculator, that Ed Balls’s mum bought him for doing his A-levels, and we all sat round and did the maths the other day, and we could afford to do all this right now, if we were in office. I bet you wished you’d voted for us now.”

Byrne added “We are throwing down the gauntlet to the conservatives with this hypothetical spending plan, and feel we can promise, hand on heart, that if we were in their shoes, everyone would have a job and a really fast car. This puts the onus on them to explain just why it is that Britain is not currently full of happy, employed people speeding around in new automobiles.”

Labour were

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