Posts tagged ‘BBC’

April 30, 2015

Farage to enlist UK Gold and Granada Television in war against BBC

by philapilus

The Beeb will rue the day it went up against a highly polished organisation like Ukip…

Ukip has said that it will completely bypass the BBC, and communicate only via TV channels embracing “traditional British values”, for the remainder of its election campaign.

The party announced its war on the BBC after Nigel Farage took offence at a dig made against him on its flagship satirical show, Have I got News For You.

Ukip spokeswoman, Gina Flange, said “I think it’s disgraceful that a BBC documentary programme

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March 18, 2014

Missing plane MH370 was carrying the news

by philapilus

“Stop the press. Literally.”

After 10 days of not being able to find the news, news agencies around the world have realised that most – in fact probably all – of it was on board the missing jet, MH370.

The Malaysian Airlines flight vanished without trace on 8th March, the exact same date that almost all the news disappeared. Until now this was thought to be a coincidence.

But news-sleuth, Crapname Morse, said “After wide-ranging searches, undertaken by the international community, we have concluded that the missing news was on board the missing plane, which is why there hasn’t been any other news since it went off the radar.

“Our only

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March 3, 2014

Susanna Reid’s knickers move to ITV

by philapilus

“No one cares about Bill Turnbull’s, no matter how many pairs he has”

Ardent followers of the news have declared their intentions to switch from BBC to ITV, in protest against the corporation’s “continual dumbing down and anti-government bias”, in a switch which it is claimed has “Nothing to do with Susanna Reid’s knickers”.

Watchers insisted today that it was a complete coincidence that ITV has just successfully poached the popular BBC presenter for its new breakfast programme.

Last year a study found that Susanna Reid, who occasionally wears short dresses, and crosses her legs, is the favoured morning news presenter of most British men, for her “excellent, fluent and no-nonsense delivery of information in an objective manner.”

The study found “absolutely no correlation” between fans of Reid’s hard-nosed journalism, and the vast number of Google searches performed every day for flashes of

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February 18, 2014

Pavement squiggles ‘keeping the demons in’ says BBC

by philapilus

‘Inter-dimensional spiritual warzone ahead’

In an important piece of reporting, that experts have confirmed “is definitively not suggestive of it being a slow news week”, the BBC has successfully uncovered why workmen spray strange graffiti onto the pavement.

Phil Noose, chief news-fill correspondent, said “You might think that all those yellow and red numbers, dotted lines and poorly-formed letters amateurishly sprayed onto the tarmac represent some sort of workmen’s shorthand, indicating where pipes and cables are, and so forth.

“But the truth is far more complex and disturbing. Those shuffling, swearing, gorilla-like men, with their hard-hats and pneumatic drills, are engaged in

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January 10, 2014

MP warns of influx of time-travelling immigrants

by unpseudable

Every Slav could have had one of these by 1988. We can’t know for sure.

Conservative Member of Parliament, and ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ star, Nadine Dorries, used her appearance on Question Time this week to alert the public to the danger of mass immigration from the Eastern Europe of the mid-1990s. Or potentially chronologically even earlier.

Dorries’ stark warning came in response to an audience member asking if racist rhetoric might subside as the feared large-scale influx of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria has failed to materialise. “There has been no tidal wave but there might be tomorrow, there might be next year – we don’t know – and that is the problem.” She asserted, continuing, “We could have a tidal wave from Yugoslavia.”

When it was pointed out to her that Yugoslavia broke up during the Yugoslav wars of the early 90s, Dorries continued, “Err, well, yes, of course.

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December 23, 2013

Cameron: ‘If I’m like Enoch, then Vince Cable is Mussolini’

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg and Vince Cable

Vince and Nick “or Benito and Adolf, as I like to call ’em!” sneered Shapps

Senior tories have rounded on Vince Cable, after the Business Secretary suggested current immigration concerns are slightly reminiscent of earlier panics, such as the one which precipitated Enoch Powell’s infamous ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech.

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said Cable was “Like an uppity house negro who’s powdered his face and thinks he can ‘strut wid’ de masser'”, while Nigel Mills, MP for Amber Valley, called Cable “a demented hellspawn, who should be hung from the gallows after such base treachery on a TV programme.”

The prime minister, who was told by the chairman that Cable had definitively called him “The dog-sodomising offspring of Thatcher and Enoch Powell” reportedly told Shapps to

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December 20, 2013

BBC: “Choudary gives balance by representing views of ‘utter c*nts'”

by philapilus
Muslims Against Crusades  30.7.2011-563

Very much the BBC’s ‘go-to cunt’

The BBC have defended the decision to interview Anjem Choudary on the Today programme this morning, saying that “Without Choudary’s contribution, the debate would not adequately have included the views of total bastard fuckwits.”

After the sentencing of the killers of Lee Rigby yesterday, the extremist Muslim preacher was invited to discuss the slaughter, in order to remind Radio 4 listeners that some people are just utter cunts who spout worthless shite.

Presenter John Humphrys said “What you need to realise is that the BBC has a duty to be as objective as possible. That could involve playing it safe by

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November 12, 2013

Born to Raise Hell: David Dimbleby

by philapilus
English: no original description

Another coke-fuelled harangue from the bad boy at the beeb

In this week’s ‘Born to Raise Hell’, our regular column about bad boys and dangerous girls, we interview TV hard man, David Dimbleby

David, you and your brother Jonathan have always been seen as real toughs, haven’t you?

Yes, I think so. This one time in 1972 we were in a car, and someone cut us up at the lights. Jonathan said ‘let’s get him’ and we drove really close to his bumper and shook our fists in the air. Madness. It was like we were the Krays.

You’ve recently had a tattoo done. Tell us about

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November 8, 2013

BBC reveals Johnny Depp is ‘made of cake’

by philapilus
Jack Sparrow (Madame Tussauds, London).

Those dreadlocks are actually made of liquorice

The BBC has made the extremely surprising discovery that actor Johnny Depp is actually made entirely of cake.

Depp, whose works include the enormously successful ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ quadrilogy, has more often than not been seen as the ‘eye candy’ in his films, but few people – if any – in the industry were aware quite how literal this was.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Scary Sweetstuffs, said “I think that everyone just assumed his

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October 29, 2013

Southern England blown into Atlantic by storm

by philapilus
The North-South divide in the United Kingdom

Experts say that it will take months for the St Jude-battered country to return to it’s normal colour

The entire South of England, as well as parts of Wales and the West country, were last night being towed back to the mainland, after monster storm St Jude ripped them loose and hurled them hundreds of miles out to sea.

Although the search has been called off for still-missing parts of Hampshire and Kent, rescue-ships were jubilant this morning to discover the Isle of Wight, which had been swirling round and round in a whirlpool about 80 miles off the coast of Ireland.

Estimates of the economic cost of the storm, which veteran weatherman Michael Fish called ‘the embodiment of evil personified’, have been increasing hourly, but Minister for

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