Posts tagged ‘Barack Obama’

July 19, 2016

Trump’s wife made ‘covert attempt to derail husband’s campaign’

by philapilus

May contain plastic

Melania Trump has admitted that she did not plagiarise Michelle Obama, but was rather “in agreement with her about Barack.”

Mrs Trump said “When I repeated her comments about President Obama, I was actually trying to subliminally remind everyone that Michelle has a sane, competent, and actually even occasionally  inspirational spouse.

“I have Donald.”

She went on to

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June 8, 2015

Cameron’s tough-talk to cabinet on EU ‘unrelated to warning from Obama’

by philapilus

The Prime Minister said “Do not fuck with me on this, because you will lose and you will die. I am definitely completely in charge here. Disagree with me and I will end you.”

But critics have suggested that Mr Cameron is acting tough to save face, after a weekend in which Barack Obama “heavily suggested” Britain should not cut defence spending, and that he “looked forward” to Britain staying in

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January 21, 2015

Obama uses State of the Union Address to remind everyone Republicans are c*nts

by philapilus

“Let me spell that for you: C-U-N-…”

President Obama has used his annual State of the Union Address to remind Americans that the collapse of his personal trajectory, from shining star to damp squib, doesn’t mean that the Republicans have in any way stopped being “A bunch of utter c*nts”.

The President said to Congress “I admit that I appear to have frittered away the goodwill of the nation, and gone from hero to zero with impressive speed. And I know that generally ‘Yes We Can’ has kind of turned into ‘Sorry, Actually It Turns Out I Can’t’.

“But I’d like everyone to remember that the alternative is a party of total assholes, whose

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March 3, 2014

US threatens Russia with stern phonecalls

by philapilus
File:Barack Obama on phone with Benjamin Netanyahu 2009-06-08.jpg

“Can I speak to Vladimir please?… Well, can you tell him it’s really rather urgent?… Well can I leave a message then?”

President Obama has said that Russia’s military presence in the Crimea constitutes a violation of Ukrainian sovereignty and could lead to “Some really very serious phonecalls.”

Having already rung Vladimir Putin over the weekend, to explain just how ticked off the Western world is with him, Obama has threatened the Russian president with at least one more phonecall, possibly two, by the end of Monday.

“This Russian aggression is utterly unlawful, and we condemn it,” said Obama, “US telephones are already being strategically placed on every desk within the White House, so that no matter which room I am in, I can call Putin any time I want, and make

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February 21, 2014

US-China drama as Obama meets Lama: ‘He just makes me calmer’

by philapilus
File:Wang Qishan ,Obama Basketball S&ED.jpg

‘Calm down guys; you’re still my main homies! He’s never even SEEN my basketball, much less got to throw it”

America has politely suggested China should chill the fuck out, after the bristly country complained that Barack Obama was once again meeting with the Dalai Lama.

The exiled spiritual leader of Tibet is due to visit the White House today, in a move that Beijing has denounced as political interference.

President Obama, however, said “It’s not political. I’m just like, really stressed at the moment guys. I’m dealing with this fucking Putin asshole half the time, I’ve got that whiny little Cameron bitch trying to crawl up my ass, and unless I start trying to bomb something soon, all the Republicans are going to start yelling. Well, yelling louder.

“The Dalai Lama is

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December 31, 2013

Anus of the Annus, 2013

by philapilus

After a year in which we have been spoiled for choice with your selection of ‘Wankers of the Week’, ‘Masturbators of the Month’, and even ‘Fingerers of the Fortnight’, the votes are in, and we can proudly present the person that YOU the readers think was the most awful fuckwit of the

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December 12, 2013

Mandela memorial event signer had acid flashback

by philapilus
English: Nelson Mandela Statue Nelson Mandela ...

“In my mind’s eye Madiba turned into this enormous beast and started attacking the symbols of Western Imperialism. That’s when I knew it had ‘gone bad’.”

The interpreter responsible for translating speeches into sign language during the memorial service for Nelson Mandela has blamed his completely nonsensical interpretation on “a crazy acid flashback”.

In an interview posted on the Grateful Dead’s website, www.dead.net, Mr Dyantyi said “It was, like, craaaaazy daddio! Lights and stars and rainbows everywhere, bursting into fireworks of spiritual evanescence. And beautiful pink badgers started appearing all over the stadium.

“Then, quite suddenly, a cohort of zebras marched past, telling me to wave my hands to the groovy

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December 10, 2013

Obama: “Mandela was a twat”

by articulatedsheep

US President Barack Obama has used his address to the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg to launch a blistering attack on the former South African President.

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he'd have wanted to be sent off

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he’d have wanted to be sent off

Appearing in front of a capacity crowd at the FNB Stadium, Obama started his address by saying, “I expect you want me to stand in front of you and say a load of fawning guff about Madiba, about how I was humbled in his presence, all that crap.”

“Well, no. He was a dick and I don’t mind saying so.”

Obama spent more than three hours listing Mandela’s defects, including a long, rambling anecdote relating an incident when the two men were sitting next to each other at an official dinner and Mandela stole Obama’s bread roll.

“Then, cool as you like,” Obama concluded, his voice rising to an incredulous yell, “he turns to me and says, ‘Oh look! They’ve given me two rolls, I’ve got one this side of me as well!’ And, get this, he casually picks it up and pops it into his mouth. Grade A wanker.”

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October 31, 2013

‘Putin could beat Obama at arm-wrestling’ says Forbes

by philapilus
Barack Obama & Vladimir Putin at Putin's dacha...

The only thing we need to know is who has the biggest tonker

The world’s most prominent magazine for list-making has released its hugely influential and important annual power-list, in which it has ranked Vladimir Putin above Barack Obama in arm-wrestling skills.

A spokesman for Forbes, Ivor Smalljohnson, said “In our (wholly theoretical) league-table of arm-wrestling skills, we reckon that Putin’s mighty iron fist could easily force Obama’s rather limp hand to the tabletop.

“After all, Putin is clearly a magnificent wanker; pretty much everything he does is a colossal shining sack of wank – his wrist muscles must be bigger than Arnie’s! Look at his brilliant new anti-gay law; astonishingly powerful wanking going on right there.

“Whereas Obama is

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October 21, 2013

Everything now brilliant in Syria

by philapilus
A basic gel fragrance air freshener.

It still smells a bit chemical-weapony in places, so the Foreign Office is advising British holidaymakers to take their own air fresheners. Otherwise it’s basically fine.

Everything in Syria has calmed right down, and everyone is very much going about their daily business with a contented smile, according to a new report published today.

The United Nations-commissioned report confirms that, by a bizarre coincidence, as soon as the world’s media stopped paying attention to things in Syria, the country’s civil war petered out, and hostilities gave way to ‘a general atmosphere of peace and love, sort of a bit like Woodstock, except nationwide, and without all the embarrassingly trite hippy sentiment’.

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Stuff That Doesn’t Stop When You Switch Off The Telly, said “It’s odd, but ever since

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