Posts tagged ‘banking’

February 15, 2016

UK delighted as HSBC says it can come off the naughty step

by philapilus

Happily, Selfless Bankers Care

Celebrations spontaneously broke out in the streets today, after HSBC told Britain that it had decided the country had learned its lesson, and so the self-styled gentle giant wouldn’t be leaving after all.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for HSBC, said “As you all know, we very, very seriously thought about moving our headquarters out of the UK after you all stamped your little feet and demanded we be somehow ‘regulated’.

“But – selflessly – we have decided to stay and carry on looking after you. To that end you can

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January 31, 2012

Meaningless gesture solves problem

by articulatedsheep

Experts have declared that the annulment of Fred Goodwin’s knighthood means that the global economy has been put back on the path to certain, permanent recovery.

The move – widely praised by the markets – has resulted in united praise for tough, no-nonsense David Cameron, further confirming his reputation as the kind of man who takes the political road less travelled rather than the easy, populist option.

Apparently it is extremely satirical, clever and amusing to call him "Gideon"

Reacting to the news, the FTSE index of 100 leading shares rose by almost 57%, with the Dow rising a more modest, but still impressive, 34%.

Major financial institutions took the opportunity to announce that they had now seen the error of their ways, and were prepared to pay back every penny of the billions of pounds they have borrowed from our government by next Friday “at the very latest”.

“I think that we can all agree,” said an extremely moist Ed Miliband, “that this tough action was exactly what was required. Let’s not forget – this whole mess was caused by Fred “The Shred” and his cabal of evil, greedy bankers. It certainly wasn’t anything to do with successive Governments, starting in the 80s, rolling over onto their backs for the City and creating regulatory regimes that were woefully unfit for purpose.”

“And it certainly wasn’t anything to do with the idiotic and essentially unworkable ‘tripartite’ system of financial regulation set up by Gordon Brown in 1997 which – lest we forget – was co-designed and implemented by none other than my good friend the shadow chancellor, Ed Balls.”

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