Posts tagged ‘bankers’

June 17, 2015

RBS to refuse customers access to their money

by philapilus

No one noticed before that this translates as ‘The bank that despises you all”

RBS said this morning that the 600,000 payments to customers that went ‘missing’ last night were not the result of a mistake. A statement by the publicly owned bank also warned that “customers can expect a lot more of this sort of thing once nice Mr Osborne lets us go private again.”

Jerry Grossekatzen, spokesman for the RBS group said “Normally I’d say some bollocks about the computer system, probably. Or elves with little nets coming and taking your money in the night. But actually we can’t be bothered to make this shit up anymore; we’ll soon be free of you grubby little oiks.

“Our CEO Ross McEwan has filled a swimming pool with your cash, and once Osborne flogs RBS, he and Fred Goodwin are going to swim in it all day. You remember

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April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

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January 15, 2014

RBS “to eat your children”

by philapilus

“Money doesn’t come into it; they do it out of the goodness of their hearts”

Labour leader Ed Miliband has suggested it might not be the best thing in the world to throw all newborn children “into the rapacious maw of RBS.”

His comments come after it was revealed that RBS’s top bankers are pushing for bonuses equal to double their salaries, and a spring barbecue in which they want to spitroast the children of the working and middle classes.

Miliband said “The government owns 80% of RBS, and it is up to the shareholders to decide how high bonuses go. Given that this bank is full of fucking idiots, maybe we shouldn’t let them

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July 10, 2012

Diamond to forgo ginormous bonus: ‘That makes it all ok then’, says everyone

by philapilus
Ed Balls

Seriously, that’s his name. We aren’t even joking.

The news that Bob Diamond, the former CEO of Barclays who resigned last week, is not going to get his £20m bonus, has turned away the wrath of everyone in the country, according to an important study.

Diamond, who is at the centre of the rate-fixing scandal that has brought the otherwise unsullied, golden reputation of bankers down into the dirt, left his job having done unbelievably unethical things with interest rates.

“If interest rates were little children, Diamond would be guilty of paedophilia,” commented Tim Twanks, an unemployed commentator, “and the rest of Barclays would at least be guilty of being in some sort of child-porn ring. And the public would have been unknowingly deflowering minors, thinking they were of age…actually hang on, can I start this again? I think I picked the wrong metaphor.”

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January 31, 2012

Meaningless gesture solves problem

by articulatedsheep

Experts have declared that the annulment of Fred Goodwin’s knighthood means that the global economy has been put back on the path to certain, permanent recovery.

The move – widely praised by the markets – has resulted in united praise for tough, no-nonsense David Cameron, further confirming his reputation as the kind of man who takes the political road less travelled rather than the easy, populist option.

Apparently it is extremely satirical, clever and amusing to call him "Gideon"

Reacting to the news, the FTSE index of 100 leading shares rose by almost 57%, with the Dow rising a more modest, but still impressive, 34%.

Major financial institutions took the opportunity to announce that they had now seen the error of their ways, and were prepared to pay back every penny of the billions of pounds they have borrowed from our government by next Friday “at the very latest”.

“I think that we can all agree,” said an extremely moist Ed Miliband, “that this tough action was exactly what was required. Let’s not forget – this whole mess was caused by Fred “The Shred” and his cabal of evil, greedy bankers. It certainly wasn’t anything to do with successive Governments, starting in the 80s, rolling over onto their backs for the City and creating regulatory regimes that were woefully unfit for purpose.”

“And it certainly wasn’t anything to do with the idiotic and essentially unworkable ‘tripartite’ system of financial regulation set up by Gordon Brown in 1997 which – lest we forget – was co-designed and implemented by none other than my good friend the shadow chancellor, Ed Balls.”

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