Posts tagged ‘Australia’

August 8, 2016

China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and

read more »

May 14, 2015

“DEATH TO DEPP’S DOGS!!” screams Australian Minister

by philapilus

Just look at those eyes – it can’t wait to sink its fangs into a kangaroo’s jugular

Barnaby Joyce, Australian agricultural minister, is on a mission to personally murder the dogs belonging to Johnny Depp, according to the British media.

Depp took his dogs on his private jet when he flew in to Australia last month, to film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 37: Now it’s just getting stupid’. Crucially however, he neglected to declare he was bringing in the animals.

Joyce said “That bloody Depp’s got to pay! I’m going to string those dogs up by the bollocks, and slit ’em down the front with a blunt knife, then chuck the entrails on a barby and

read more »

September 17, 2013

Samantha Cameron having affair with Manu Tuilagi

by philapilus


Winston Churchill in Downing Street giving his...

By 1945 Winston had had nearly every housewife in London. His fingers were so sore from making the cuckold sign that he resorted to using this one instead.

It emerged this morning that the prime minister’s wife has been having an affair with young rugby player, Manu Tuilagi.

The British and Irish Lions star visited Downing Street with his team-mates yesterday, for a function celebrating victory over Australia. During the official photo shoot, Tuilagi was caught on camera sticking fingers up behind David Cameron’s head.

A No 10 spokesman said “Initially we thought he was simply performing the schoolboyish ‘bunny ears prank’, which would have been quite high-level comedy for a rugby player.

“But forensic

read more »

September 13, 2013

“We wouldn’t date you bastards either” say Blobfish

by philapilus
English: A dominant male proboscis monkey at t...

“I wouldn’t kiss Richard Littlejohn to save the fucking rainforests”

After being named the planet’s ugliest creature in a competition to pick a mascot for the Ugly Animal Preservation Society, blobfish said today that, as far as they were concerned, humans weren’t all that either.

Spokesfish Bob Flish said “Speaking on behalf of the various species that you hairless monkeys have taken it upon yourselves to call ugly, I’d like to say that, collectively, the entire animal kingdom would rather go extinct than on a date with Bruce Forsyth.

“I mean you’ve got some fucking nerve, haven’t you? Look at Esther Rantzen, Anne Diamond, David

read more »

June 25, 2013

Julia Gillard pilloried for not knitting giant middle finger

by philapilus
Koalas australia zoo

No worries, the Australian parliament will debate the pictures in tomorrow’s session, if they aren’t all full as googs.


Australian prime minister Julia Gillard has been the subject of intense scorn this week, after a photoshoot in which she sat in an armchair knitting a kangaroo for the child of William and Kate.

National media attacked her cliched feminine pose and passively pro-Royal stance. But most of all Australians were furious that she was not photographed drunkenly knitting a large middle finger emblazoned with ‘Fuck you, England’.

Opposition leader Tony Abbott put down his lager, swayed disconcertingly, and said

read more »

December 6, 2012

Queen told to fuck herself

by philapilus
Queen of United Kingdom (as well as Canada, Au...

Try not to automatically punch her in the kidneys and call her a vag-faced Aussie cockmaster

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was this morning repeatedly told to “Fuck off”, “Piss off” and generally “Go shag a corgi”, by everybody with whom she spoke on the telephone.

A source close to the ageing monarch let slip that the royal psychiatrist had been called to comfort her, after continual telephonic rebuffs and insults left her catatonic with shock.

In a rare move, Buckingham Palace issued a press statement about the Queen’s private conversations, explaining that “Since the hoax by two Australian radio presenters, who

read more »

November 19, 2012

Drunk Australian’s completely mundane behaviour

by philapilus
Saltwater Crocodile (Crocodylus porosus).

The average salt-water crocodile’s relatively flattened girth is testimony to the hundreds of drunks who ride it during its lifetime.

Australians everywhere have today expressed their surprise at global interest in the non-story of Michael Newman, who after getting drunk climbed into a crocodile enclosure where he tried to ride a 5 metre long crocodile called Fatso.

Newman had been thrown out of a bar earlier in the evening for being legless, and after attempting to ride Fatso was almost literally legless too, as the 16 foot long reptile tore chunks of flesh out of

read more »

April 24, 2012

Welshmen “thought penguin was a lass from Swansea”

by philapilus
Humbolt Penguin at Whipsnade Zoo.

Gwyneth Evans, MP for Aberystwyth, utterly condemns the blatant racism of this article, angrily retorting 'Qweuack, qweuack qweu qweu QWEEUUUAAACK'

Two intoxicated Welshmen who broke into an Australian theme park and abducted a penguin, have protested against prosecution charges on the grounds that they mistook the creature for a Welsh woman.

The men who have not yet been named – but are almost certainly called something like Dai Evans and Gareth Jones – are being charged with trespass, and stealing and keeping a protected animal, as well as drunken fuckwittery.

Dai and Gareth – or Hugh and Morgan, or Lewellyn and Brynn, or whatever they were called – have issued a statement, written with a thick Welsh accent, saying “We are so very sorry, see? But it didn’t half look like a beautiful lady from the valleys, see? Small, sleek, very furry and smelling of fish; we were convinced she was a flower amongst Welsh women. We said to one another ‘There’s lovely, isn’t it?’ We had no idea it was a penguin. Deary, deary me.”

read more »