Posts tagged ‘Archbishop of Canterbury’

October 24, 2013

Royal Christening chaos

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Still missing

The private christening yesterday of Prince George was mildly overshadowed by ‘supernatural oddities’, according to eye witnesses.

A close relative of the couple said “It all started when Kate carried him in to the Royal Chapel at St James Palace. The walls began trembling, and the pews bounced across the floor, which hadn’t happened in the chapel since Prince Philip ate that dodgy curry in 1987.

“Then, just as the Duchess was about to

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June 12, 2013

C of E row over ‘breakdancing Jesus’s’ views on gay marriage

by philapilus
Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...

Just imagine how useful that halo could be for headspinning

The Anglican communion has once again come to the verge of schism, after the unveiling of a mural in Bristol depicting a breakdancing Jesus.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, said “This painting of Christ, doing that sort of ‘handstand-on-one-hand’ thing breakdancers do, is on the one hand (pardon the pun) a wonderful celebration of cultural and religious diversity.

“But, unfortunately, it has of course also raised the deeply controversial question of how a breakdancing Jesus might feel about the issue of gay marriage. Would a toprocking saviour feel that bumsex or muffdiving was something to be celebrated in sanctified matrimony? I think not.”

Liberal Christians, however, contend that

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June 7, 2013

“Clean your fucking plates” says Pope

by unpseudable

Mmmm, tasty.

Pope Francis this week slammed the culture of waste in the West, likening the disposal of food to stealing from the poor.

“Throwing away food,” he said, “is like stealing from the table of those who are poor and hungry. You bastards, you utter, utter bastards. You all think it’s perfectly normal to chuck away a chicken, to dump a dumpling. But you’re wrong. You make me sick. But I’m going to hold it in – lest I waste my lovely ham sandwich lunch. Which would – obviously – be wrong.”

Religious commentator, Reg Illous, commented:

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March 21, 2013

Archbishop spells out radical new message on homosexuality row

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Hands up if you still can’t decide…

The newly enthroned Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, announced today that he would bring to the church a new way of thinking about the controversial issue of gay marriage.

Speaking to a 2000-strong congregation, which included Prince Charles and David Cameron, Welby said “I feel that the deep divisions over same-sex marriage within the Anglican community have brought us to  a point of crisis, and the time for a new direction has come.

“And so whereas my predecessor, Dr Rowan Williams, characterised his feelings on this issue as ‘Frustrated’, I think you will all agree my approach is both original and positive when I tell you that I, on the other hand, feel ‘Challenged’.”

He beamed and repeated “‘Challenged’, see? It’s a totally different word.”

After several moments of

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December 5, 2012

‘Now just hang on a frigging minute!’ say ordained women

by philapilus
Adam and Eve

The whole problem started with this dopey cooze; “Eat the apple, oh go on, eat the apple.” Idiot.

The recently unsuccessful campaign for women bishops reformed itself around a new purpose this morning, following the government’s announcement of changes to the rules of royal succession. 

The changes will allow Prince William’s first child to succeed automatically to the throne, even if he has a girl — a move which women liberals in the CofE have condemned as a violation of all that is natural and/or holy.

Large commedienne Dawn French, who has played a vicar and therefore knows what she is talking about, said “Women everywhere have struggled for the right to be the one in the funny hat and robes who tells all the ones in the funny robes but without hats what to do.

“I mean it’s pretty demeaning that

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November 22, 2012

Pope’s outlandish claims about Jesus

by unpseudable

In the week the Church of England failed to drag itself vaguely into the 20th Century, the Roman Catholic Church appears to have pounced on the opportunity to look cutting edge and contentious.  Pope Benedict makes the incendiary claim in a new book that Jesus was actually born earlier than previously thought, going as far as to say, “several years before”.

Definitely not an accurate nativity scene

Getting the taste for controversy the Pope continues: “And furthermore, I say, there were no oxen, donkeys or other animals present at Jesus’ birth.  I know, I know – your mind is literally blowing right now, isn’t it?  I actually read the Bible the other day, the gospels, yeah?  There are no animals referred to at all in any of the nativity scenes.  None.  I am not shitting you.  I should have read the thing years ago.”

These revelations have shaken the Catholic world, and the wider Christian church.  Being nearby at the time, the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, not one generally known for employing extreme sarcasm, responded, saying, “He said what?  Oh, I’ve never heard that before, what a biiiiig surprise.”

Meanwhile, Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, said,

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November 22, 2012

“God prefers willies” says Church of England

by philapilus
English: Rowan D. Williams, Archbishop of Cant...

“I’m not saying its massive, but at least it dangles, and that’s all God cares about”

In the wake of the General Synod’s vote yesterday, which saw the CofE reject proposals to allow women bishops, a statement was released this morning claiming that, generally speaking, God Almighty is much more into dicks than fanny.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and Justin Welby who will succeed him at the end of his term, co-authored a letter to the Times in which they explained that “Before the vote the Church engaged in long and deep prayer sessions, asking that the will of God be revealed through the voting of his followers.

“Clearly therefore, it was His holy guidance which led us to decide that women aren’t as good at stuff like wearing dresses and talking loudly in public.”

The letter continues “On the whole, God is

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November 19, 2012

“Actually, we don’t want to be bishops anyway” say women

by philapilus
English: Henry Chichely, Archbishop of Canterbury

“We already get to wear much nicer dresses, anyway.”

As the Church of England’s General Synod prepares to vote tomorrow on whether to allow women to become bishops, the Anglican communion has been rocked by the revelation that women don’t care anymore.

Across the country, equality groups and feminist campaigners said this morning that the whole thing was just boring now.

“It’s taken twenty years to get to this vote,” said Reverend Dawn French, whose congregation at Dibley had been very keen to see her leave and stand for a bishopric “And frankly, I just think I want to work in a sector where wondering if women aren’t some dirty, inferior shadow to men isn’t cutting edge, radical thought.

“I was thinking of

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March 18, 2012

Job Opportunities/Archbishoprics: Canterbury

by philapilus
Brian made this picture while Rowan Williams, ...

thoroughly nice but fundamentally ineffectual chaps wanted!

Are you stuck in a rut? Looking for a change of direction? Have you ever considered the church? No? Oh go on, you might like it!

The Church of England is delighted to offer this exciting managerial position, a fantastic opportunity to work with a broad spectrum of people who believe in brotherly love and unity, and violently disagreeing to the point of schism over unbelievably minor stuff.

Keep reading! Please? 

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