Posts tagged ‘apocalypse’

December 20, 2012

21/12/12 apocalypse to be caused by Christmas lights

by philapilus
English: Christmas lights in Haughton, Staffor...

Sort of like the Sistine chapel

A study published this morning warns that the Mayan prediction of the ending of the world this Friday has been verified by scientific evidence, and will in fact be a direct result of Christmas decorative lighting.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Roundabout Institute for Apocalypse and Taxidermy Studies, said “What people don’t seem to realise is that the proliferation of absolute aesthetic horror that is the draping of houses with gaudy flashing lights, will in a matter of hours bring about the end of days.

“You know your neighbour, with the garden full of neon reindeer, a 12 foot glowing santa on her roof, and multi-coloured lights surrounding every window and flashing 24 hours a day for six weeks? Well thanks to her, you are utterly fucked, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can

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May 26, 2012

Eurovision revealed to be massive social experiment

by unpseudable

An artist’s literal interpretation of Eurovision

It has emerged today that the Eurovision Song Contest was in fact designed to be an ongoing social experiment on the people of Europe.

Bob Kettering, who, with French penpal and colleague, Francois Toulouse, came up with the idea in the early 50s, has revealed all in the newly published book, EuroBollocks. Subtitled, Getting a Whole Continent to Act Like Twats.

On the day of this year’s cultural nadir, we offer extracts from the book.

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March 14, 2012

‘Sell me your children’s future’ says Osborne

by philapilus
Travis (chimpanzee)

believe it or not, this is one of his best ideas, bless him...

Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has today cemented his reputation for no-nonsense, sound, tough-but-fair, ingenious economy-stabilising measures which are always, in a very real sense, completely fucking insane.

Terms like ‘true economic genius’, ‘trailblazing problem-solver’ and ‘competent financial manager’ have all been applied to Osborne this morning, though unfortunately all were preceeded with the phrase ‘He is definitely not a…’

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February 17, 2012

Apocalypse update: Murdoch visit spells doom for Sun newspaper

by philapilus
The Great Red Dragon and the Woman Clothed in Sun

Apparently the overrated, godawful artist who painted this knew what he was talking about after all...

The ongoing apocalypse seems to be ticking along nicely and going according to schedule, with the timely appearance of the prophesied “Foul Beast descending from the Sky, which will tear apart the Sun; lo, and with its wretched bile and falsehoods will harvest the souls of its followers.”

Rupert Murdoch flew in to the UK last night, and today will pay a friendly, morale-boosting visit to the headquarters of the Sun newspaper.

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January 31, 2012

Six month old news about bread is “most read” article on BBC News website

by articulatedsheep

In what is understood to be news harbouring the breaking of the sixth seal, an article about bread nomenclature on the BBC News website – which relates to an incident that occurred more than six months ago – is perceived as the most important, relevant and interesting thing to British users of that website, who presumably number in their tens of millions.

The article received significantly more page views than news about a UN

That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I love your tiger feet

debate on the response to a vicious Government crackdown on rebel-controlled areas of Damascus, the death of dozens of people in central and eastern Europe as temperatures plunged below freezing, the sinking of a ship in Turkey with the suspected loss of ten lives and a weird story about a “self-steering bullet”.

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