Posts tagged ‘Angela Merkel’

February 9, 2015

People who complain about American intervention demand American intervention

by philapilus
File:Angela Merkel 2 Hamburg.jpg

“Merkel ought to get Obama’s bloodlust up: imagine Ann Diamond arriving on your doorstep – and she’s still not forgiven you for tapping her phone”

People unencumbered with brainpower who have spent years telling everyone how terrible the USA is, have decided it would be really good if America could wipe out IS and/or Russia as soon as possible.

Former ‘Anti-Yank’ Tim Twanks said “For years my friends and I have sat around at dinner parties, having lengthy conversations about the evils of the American military-industrial complex, and complaining about

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January 26, 2015

Greece presents Brussels and Berlin with large wooden horse

by philapilus

Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in

Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.

Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”

The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the

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June 5, 2014

Ritual humiliation of Merkel planned for D-Day anniversary

by philapilus

Merkel tries to remain stoic, after learning Silvio Berlusconi has been invited

World leaders are meeting in France tomorrow for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day landings, where it is understood they will line up and take it in turns to break wind in the face of Angela Merkel.

Visiting dignitaries will walk along a short length of red carpet, marked off with gilded rope, at the end of which will be seated the German chancellor, perched on a crude stool.

Each representative will then turn their rear towards Merkel, and let loose up to three anal salutes, which she will be compelled to give the appearance of savouring.

David Cameron, who will be the third Briton to cut the cheese in Merkel’s

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October 31, 2013

‘Putin could beat Obama at arm-wrestling’ says Forbes

by philapilus
Barack Obama & Vladimir Putin at Putin's dacha...

The only thing we need to know is who has the biggest tonker

The world’s most prominent magazine for list-making has released its hugely influential and important annual power-list, in which it has ranked Vladimir Putin above Barack Obama in arm-wrestling skills.

A spokesman for Forbes, Ivor Smalljohnson, said “In our (wholly theoretical) league-table of arm-wrestling skills, we reckon that Putin’s mighty iron fist could easily force Obama’s rather limp hand to the tabletop.

“After all, Putin is clearly a magnificent wanker; pretty much everything he does is a colossal shining sack of wank – his wrist muscles must be bigger than Arnie’s! Look at his brilliant new anti-gay law; astonishingly powerful wanking going on right there.

“Whereas Obama is

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February 25, 2013

Berlusconi “Absolutely delighted” by feminist bosoms

by philapilus
Prime minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi at V...

Berlusconi’s hands are pretty much always in this position.

Silvio Berlusconi has described his enormous enjoyment of a protest three women made yesterday, when they went topless and attempted to mob him as he cast his vote in Sunday’s elections.

As Berlusconi entered a polling station in Milan, three members of Ukrainian feminist group Femen bared their breasts, on which they had written ‘Enough of Silvio’ in Italian, and attempted to prevent him from voting.

Bodyguards and security personnel grabbed hold of the protestors, but Silvio intervened, shouting “Don’t crush their lovely breasts! Let me watch them bounce! Please, let me see them BOUNCE!”

He struck two

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March 2, 2012

EU birthday party ends in grumps

by philapilus
HVR's signature

Herman's drawing of a dinosaur won the Tube of Smarties, which Davey said was unfair because his mummy was the judge

It emerged today that at Herman van Rompuy’s birthday party tensions rose between member nations when David Cameron got a bit sulky and shouted that he was being ignored.

Davey had been drinking lots of cola and eating Wotsits, and had been getting a bit unmanageable because of all the sugar and E-numbers, according to witnesses.

At one point, Davey put his head in his hands, and yelled “No-one’s listening to me! You’re all listening to Angie and Nicky, and I keep trying to talk and no-one’s listening!”

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