Posts tagged ‘Andy Burnham’

June 18, 2015

Labour candidates promise paperclips and Fanta

by philapilus

The 1926 General Strike was Corbyn’s first venture into the world of politics

The candidates for the Labour leadership engaged in a TV debate in Nuneaton yesterday, unleashing a fierce battle of ideological one-upmanship.

Although pundits had predicted little in the way of substance or policy, the four hopefuls exceeded expectations and laid out their candidacies with firm strategy.

Liz Kendall offered “A Britain that has many, many more paperclips available, not just in our offices but in our schools, our townhalls, and even

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May 18, 2015

Cameron states “NHS pledges are achievable with sofa-cash”

by philapilus

“There’s probably four grand in that one”

David Cameron has insisted today that the Conservatives will meet their pre-election pledges on NHS funding because “there’s bound to be shitloads of cash down the back of hospital sofas.”

The prime minister said “Look, you know how it is, you sit down and maybe 20p rolls out of your pocket, gets stuck between the cushions, and you don’t find it till months later when you strip the cushions off to make a fort.

“Well imagine that for every sofa in every hospital, but then

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April 14, 2014

Government promises golf-playing doctors will check their email

by philapilus

The government has today announced that a hundred-squillionty-million people will have 25 hour a day access to GPs, through an initiative to pay doctors overtime for checking their Blackberries.

‘Just listen to it yourself, OK? I’m busy’

David Cameron announced that “Our new GP Access Fund, which is much less gay than any of Labour’s plans, will mean that after your local surgery has shut, you’ll be able to email your doctor.

“Then, whilst he’s teeing off for the 9th hole, he’ll helpfully respond with an email carefully addressing your symptoms point by point, or tell you to just take an aspirin and

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January 24, 2012

Elderly mentalists to be rehoused

by philapilus
English: Menzies Campbell, British politician ...

This man would have to be relocated into the Stone Age diorama at the Natural History Museum

In a move designed to revolutionise care for the elderly, the NHS is to begin implementing plans for new accomodation for dementia sufferers. The scheme is based on one recently green-lit in Switzerland, where a mock 1950s-style village is being built outside Bern.

“Basically,” said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, “demented old codgers – sorry, I mean elderly people with dementia – spend most of their time mentally living in the past. Well, the Swiss have this plan for a care-home complex built to emulate that past. A sort of mini 1950s world.

“My idea goes one better. Rather than expensive – and necessarily small-scale – new-build villages, we are going to immerse our crazy old folk in an entire culture that is six decades behind.

“We are going to move them all up North.”

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