Posts tagged ‘Andrew Lansley’

September 4, 2012

Nation supremely grateful as Osborne remains chancellor

by philapilus
George Osborne at Conservative Spring Forum 20...

It’s like being in a plane flying towards a fuck-off gigantic mountain, and opening the cockpit door only to discover that the pilot is a crash-test dummy

Euphoria and irrepressible gratitude have swept Britain today, as David Cameron’s cabinet reshuffle leaves the nation’s favourite politician, George Osborne, in his role as chancellor of the exchequer.

Whilst obviously every member of the Tory-led coalition has been just brilliant, and no-one has done anything remotely bad at all, Cameron’s new broom has swept up some surprising casualties.

Perhaps the biggest upsets so far have been Jeremy Cunt the Hulture Secretary, and Andrew Lansley the Health Secretary, both losing their positions despite truly outstanding work that has delighted the electorate.

But Osborne has clung on.

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March 28, 2012

BBC website crushed by the morbidly obese

by philapilus
Obese man early 20th century

Certain 'cuddly' people will need vast emergency chocolate injections on what is left of the NHS, to slim down before obesity causes health problems

The BBC’s news website was yesterday borne down under an impossibly vast volume of traffic, and remained offline whilst technicians shook their heads, whistled inwards between their teeth like 1950s workmen, and said “Tricky; looks like this could be expensive guv”.

Apparently the problem was that a huge number of hits was generated by an innocuous seeming article, about an American study suggesting chocolate consumption might help keep you thin.

Moments after the article appeared, every fat person in Britain virtually fell off their chairs, slamming their pudgy fingers on the mouse or keyboard repeatedly, in their haste to open the webpage.

BBC Health correspondent, Fats Waller, sat down on a chair which creaked dangerously, and tried to explain what had happened, “The problem [wheeze]  is that [wheeze] – sorry there were like nine stairs up to the office – [wheeze] phew, I think the website isn’t [wheeze] – look; sorry I’m a bit short of breath, can we discuss this later?”

Using a special keyboard with extra-large keys, navigable by fingers the size of aubergines, scientist Orson Welles tweeted “Chocolate is good for you? I’m on my way down to Mr Patel’s and today it’s going to be two plastic bags, not just the usual one! I’ll be running marathons in no time.”

Britain’s most popular man, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “I think there’s a danger that through populist headlinemongering – yes, that’s right, I said ‘headlinemongering’ – the BBC is going to give the impression that it is fine to indulge in – Aaaarrrghhhh!” as unfortunately a large herd of roly-polies crushed him in their effort to get to the Ministry’s seriously over-used snack machine.

People all over the country very slowly stampeded into shops, and bought up entire shelves of chocolate bars, leading supermarket chains Tesco and Sainsbury’s to ask the government to set up a chocolate rationing system.

“Fuck the drought,” said a spokesman for the campaign, “We’re going to be out of chocolate if we aren’t careful. In a country where two thirds of the adult population is overweight! Do you have any idea how bad this could get? Have you seen 28 Days Later? Where everyone is eating each other? That’s what it will be like!”

Large commedienne Dawn French (who isn’t funny, so perhaps we should just say ‘Large Dawn French’) said through a mouthful of food, “MMmmff mmf mmf mf, unh unh mf MMF mmf”.

Which is of course indisputably true.

***

TMB would like to announce that we utterly refute allegations that we are in any way endorsing fattism. We’re much thinner than you.

February 17, 2012

Burnley reeling from being ‘liked’ by Prince shock

by unpseudable

This man also 'likes' Michael Winner, Peter Stringfellow and Oliver Letwin. "One is just trying to be helpful"

After decades of speculation, Prince Charles has finally revealed the football team he despises most in the country: Burnley FC.

In a statement the Prince veiled his ire by feigning appreciation for the team. However sources close to the Prince suggest that this is all a subtle ploy to ruin their chances of promotion. “The Prince keeps a close eye on football, but the team he follows most closely is Burnley. He hates them. I mean, really hates them. Nobody quite knows why. So, when he saw they had a chance of moving into the playoffs, maybe even getting promoted, he knew he had to make his move. So, yes, he said he liked them. He didn’t mean it.”

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January 24, 2012

Elderly mentalists to be rehoused

by philapilus
English: Menzies Campbell, British politician ...

This man would have to be relocated into the Stone Age diorama at the Natural History Museum

In a move designed to revolutionise care for the elderly, the NHS is to begin implementing plans for new accomodation for dementia sufferers. The scheme is based on one recently green-lit in Switzerland, where a mock 1950s-style village is being built outside Bern.

“Basically,” said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, “demented old codgers – sorry, I mean elderly people with dementia – spend most of their time mentally living in the past. Well, the Swiss have this plan for a care-home complex built to emulate that past. A sort of mini 1950s world.

“My idea goes one better. Rather than expensive – and necessarily small-scale – new-build villages, we are going to immerse our crazy old folk in an entire culture that is six decades behind.

“We are going to move them all up North.”

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