Posts tagged ‘Alcohol intoxication’

June 25, 2013

Julia Gillard pilloried for not knitting giant middle finger

by philapilus
Koalas australia zoo

No worries, the Australian parliament will debate the pictures in tomorrow’s session, if they aren’t all full as googs.


Australian prime minister Julia Gillard has been the subject of intense scorn this week, after a photoshoot in which she sat in an armchair knitting a kangaroo for the child of William and Kate.

National media attacked her cliched feminine pose and passively pro-Royal stance. But most of all Australians were furious that she was not photographed drunkenly knitting a large middle finger emblazoned with ‘Fuck you, England’.

Opposition leader Tony Abbott put down his lager, swayed disconcertingly, and said

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May 14, 2012

Scottish government intitiative to increase consumption of meths and turpentine

by philapilus

It is hoped the new minimum price will cut per capita daily intake down to roughly this amount

The Scottish Nationalists have unveiled a bold strategy to get completely wankered Scotsmen off booze and back on to cheaper, more dangerous substances.

The move comes after calls from the medical profession, the police, charities, and even the alcohol industry, for a cull on the swelling numbers of unruly, pissed-up twats, who are currently destroying any chance the country has of entering the modern era.

Unveiling a new fifty pence minimum price for a unit of alcohol, Alex Salmond – whose political supremacy proves just how dire the national drink problem is – said “Och, wha’ ye dinnae ken iz the extent o’ tha trooble. Yon’ pissers iz go frae sprits an beer frae morn bin nacht. An’ they dinnae keel o’er frae long, long yeers. Iz a drrrain on tha’ cuntry’s feenance. E’en us Scoats iznae prood o’ sum’ o’ they. Tha’ ought tae shew ye quate how bad it iz noo.”

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April 24, 2012

Welshmen “thought penguin was a lass from Swansea”

by philapilus
Humbolt Penguin at Whipsnade Zoo.

Gwyneth Evans, MP for Aberystwyth, utterly condemns the blatant racism of this article, angrily retorting 'Qweuack, qweuack qweu qweu QWEEUUUAAACK'

Two intoxicated Welshmen who broke into an Australian theme park and abducted a penguin, have protested against prosecution charges on the grounds that they mistook the creature for a Welsh woman.

The men who have not yet been named – but are almost certainly called something like Dai Evans and Gareth Jones – are being charged with trespass, and stealing and keeping a protected animal, as well as drunken fuckwittery.

Dai and Gareth – or Hugh and Morgan, or Lewellyn and Brynn, or whatever they were called – have issued a statement, written with a thick Welsh accent, saying “We are so very sorry, see? But it didn’t half look like a beautiful lady from the valleys, see? Small, sleek, very furry and smelling of fish; we were convinced she was a flower amongst Welsh women. We said to one another ‘There’s lovely, isn’t it?’ We had no idea it was a penguin. Deary, deary me.”

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