Posts tagged ‘a level results’

August 14, 2014

Mingers to get their A-level results a day late again

by philapilus

“Ok, on 3 everyone jump up and cheer – those of you we didn’t speak to earlier, please make sure you’re facing in the opposite direction. Everyone ready?”

Unattractive people who took A-Levels this year will once again be denied their results today, leaving the media free to focus on just the pretty ones.

Newspaper editors signalled their approval, after the DfE announced exam boards had only graded the papers of pupils rated at least 8 out of 10 by a board of lecherous teachers.

Ofsted inspector Roger Kidd said “Do I think it’s wrong? Hell no! No one wants to see a fatty jumping up and down excitedly, the outer regions of her stomach wobbling like blancmange.

“Grading attractive students ahead of

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August 16, 2012

“Oiks still getting into university” says Willetts

by philapilus
English: David Willetts speaking at the Big So...

David ‘two-brains’ Willetts will not be spending an eternity paying off debt for the degrees that either of his brains studied. Isn’t that nice?

Universities Minister David Willetts has today hit back at critics of increased tuition fees, accusing them of “Egalitarianism and class prejudice.”

As A-level results come out today, thousands of students across the country face the exhilirating prospect of comparing their bleak, shelf-stacking options, with the further education they would have been going into several years ago.

Willetts, a millionaire who studied at Oxford without paying tuition fees costing his bodyweight in gold, responded angrily to claims that his government was forcing less wealthy students to forgo education, saying “My research has convinced me that the number of people applying for university places has fallen for reasons entirely unconnected to the sphincter-splitting rise in fees.”

Interviewed on Radio 4 this morning, Willetts said “The problem is that there simply aren’t enough eighteen year-olds to go round. There are a lot less of them than there used to be, and that is reducing the numbers of people applying to spend the next forty years paying off large debts.”

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July 26, 2012

Telegraph picture editors on hunt for “perfect” female A-level result celebration photograph

by articulatedsheep

Hacks at the Daily Telegraph have begun their annual search for a large photograph of attractive eighteen year-old private school girls to plaster over the front cover of their 17 August edition, ostensibly to illustrate a story about A-level results.

Absolutely not what we are looking for


Work started in earnest last week, with all leave being cancelled and photographers being urged to work “around the clock” to identify high quality, nubile young women for their readership to unashamedly lech over. Letters have gone out to girls’ schools across the country, asking headmasters to send photographs to a specially convened “judging panel” – to include Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, Jim Davidson, Michael Aspel and actor Tom Conti – of possible candidates.

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