June 20, 2017

Theresa May almost successfully bakes potato

by philapilus

Nailed it, sort of

In news guaranteed to encourage Theresa May’s supporters Number 10 announced this morning that the prime minister baked “a nearly palatable potato for dinner last night.”

Percy Spoke, May’s spokesperson, said “OK so things haven’t been amazing recently. There was the whole election thing, the miscalculation on handling the Grenfell Tower fire, and Continue reading

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June 6, 2017

Trump threat to Khan: ‘I could destroy London’

by philapilus

The tiny-handed little scrotumface dictating his tweet to someone with large enough digits to work a phone

The Twitter spat between London Mayor Sadiq Khan and orange blob Donald Trump escalated dramatically this morning, after the latter tweeted ‘Khan should watch out; I could destroy London. Nuke it. No problem. And will if he doesn’t start respecting me. #watchoutlondon.’

In the aftermath of terrorist attacks on London at the weekend Mr Khan had reassured Londoners that subsequent increased police presence was nothing to worry about.

Trump however mistook this to mean that the Continue reading

June 1, 2017

Election: May misses leader debate to heal the sick and minister to the needy

by philapilus
File:Theresa May MP.JPG

“Scared? Don’t make me laugh!” said May from several hundred miles away

Theresa May announced this morning that her decision not to attend last night’s televised debate between party leaders was “absolutely not down to abject terror” and was purely because she was “busy ministering to the sick and needy”.

May said that she didn’t have time to waste on unimportant matters like being accountable to the country on live TV, or answering questions that people really want the answers to before they vote on who will run the country.

“That would have been Continue reading

May 22, 2017

Glowing telepathic orb ‘traumatised’ after touch of Trump

by philapilus
Solar Background

‘The horror…the…horror…’

A glowing orb designed to read the minds of all who touch it has said it will never work again after being handled by Donald Trump yesterday.

Trump – along with Saudi King Salman and the Egyptian president Abdul Fattah al-Sisi – decided to have their profoundest secrets and thoughts exposed to  Continue reading

May 4, 2017

Macron and Le Pen have ‘night of passion’

by philapilus
File:Macron & Le Pen.jpg

Animals

It has been revealed that French presidential candidates Marine Le Pen and Emmanuel Macron retired to a hotel after their stormy TV debate last night, where they gave in to their obvious attraction and had relentless intercourse.

News that the pair had left the debate together and checked into a nearby hotel was corroborated by Continue reading

May 2, 2017

Farron: “I’ll offer real alternative or more of the same – whichever you prefer”

by philapilus
File:Tim Farron 02, July 2016.jpg

“Really? That’s what I think too!”

Tim Farron has continued to lay out a strong Liberal Democrat election platform today, offering to be as different or as similar to other parties as people want.

“Only we have a real message of a different Britain – or alternatively, the same Britain if you’d rather” pledged Farron.

“I’m offering real Continue reading

April 21, 2017

Brenda from Bristol demands capital punishment and expulsion of all immigrants

by philapilus
File:HappyPensioneer.jpg

“The only thing that makes me happy is sitting outside food banks and laughing at the poor”

A BBC news clip of a Bristolian woman launching into a bigoted tirade has gone viral today, with hundreds of thousands of repostings on social media.

Around 2 million people are thought to have watched ‘Brenda from Bristol’ demand that “Mrs May take back Britain from the coloureds and their ilk, and go back to hanging those evil bastards who do graffiti and littering and loitering”.

Brenda also called for extremely high taxation for anyone Continue reading

April 19, 2017

US armada lost at sea

by philapilus
File:Fleet 5 nations.jpg

“F*ck knows where they’re going, but they do look cool when they’re in formation don’t they?”

The US Navy has confirmed that the Carl Vinson strike group “could be pretty much anywhere”.

A spokesperson said “Look, when we said we were sending warships to North Korea we were expressing a sort of passing notion, not actual military tactics.

“It was more of a vague Continue reading

April 19, 2017

Vote tory or I’ll end you, by Theresa May

by philapilus
File:Theresa May.jpg

Unlike Labour, I’m going to MEAN to do it when I ruin everything for everyone

As you will all have heard by now, I have called a snap election for next month.

I know you all thought I’d been saying for weeks there was no way I would do it, despite my slim majority, because it would cause national uncertainty. But you’re misremembering. Stop it.

The plain fact is that Continue reading

April 19, 2017

I guess you could vote Labour? by Jeremy Corbyn

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn crop.jpg

About twenty per cent less up for this than he looks

Hi everyone, Jeremy here, with some advice for the very exciting upcoming general election – a snap election which is bound to cement my position as Labour leader!

My message is simple and sincere, and it’s this: you won’t necessarily be wasting your vote if you vote for Labour (although I should point out that Continue reading